Prostitute 'slap-chopped' by the ShamWow guy

I'm an infomercial junkie and the ShamWow! ranks right up there with the Magic Bullet and Snuggie as one of my favs. So, naturally, I was pretty upset to hear that the magic towel salesman, Vince Shlomi, was recently arrested for assaulting a hooker.

According to reports, Shlomi -- also known as "Vince Offer" -- paid 26-year-old prostitute Sasha Harris $1,000 in February for "straight sex." But, as he told police, the woman bit his tongue while kissing him and refused to let go. He then punched her several times and ran into the hotel lobby to call police.

I guess it's pretty unlucky that his other highly tauted infomercial is for the "Slap Chop." (And ironically enough, he quips "You're gonna love my nuts" during the demonstration. See below for the remixed version.)



Both were charged with battery. Check out the pics courtesy of The Smoking Gun. They're pretty gruesome:



Funny -- I can't look at those pictures without saying, 'wow' every time. Thanks, Vince!

Thanks, TJS!

'Ew' does not even begin to describe this...

The bad news is that my laptop is still all virused-up, but the good news is that I've opted to completely wipe out the hard drive and start over. So until that's done, my posting will still be scarce, but I have to share this story I heard today -- And I thought my computer was sick!

From Philadelphia Daily News:
Dad had gone out to get coffee and breakfast. Mom was helping their 4-year-old son on the toilet. Their 9-year-old daughter was playing Nintendo.

That was how the morning of Jan. 3 played out for the Wolfe family of Massachusetts inside Room 142 of the Homewood Suites in Mount Laurel, Burlington County. Soon, the Wolfes would pack up and finish their long drive home from Florida.

But, wait: The couple's 22-month-old son was supposed to be on the hotel's pull-out sofa, watching TV. Instead, according to a federal lawsuit filed this week in New Jersey, the toddler was choking on a used condom that had been left in their room before they checked in.

When Amy Wolfe heard her youngest child chewing and choking on the condom, she rushed over to help him and retrieved it from his mouth, but according to the lawsuit, the boy already had "ingested the contents."

[I won't be offended if you just threw up in your mouth a bit. And actually, if you don't think that's gross, pretend like you're that child and consider it one more time... That would be disgusting if it were your own --'stuff'-- but you just ate a lustful night between anonymous people. That thing was hanging out for God knows how long in the rollaway couch in what you considered to be a "nice" hotel.

Now, I was shocked to hear that this happened in Mt. Laurel, the town next to mine. So I thought, "Hmm, let me check this place out" and went to its Web site. Lo and behold, I'VE STAYED THERE.
The Wolfe family's lawsuit contends that Homewood Suites and its subsidiaries, Hilton and Blackstone, put the child at risk by subjecting him to an increased risk of contracting a "sexually transmitted disease, including HIV or AIDS, or some other, potentially life threatening, potentially fatal illness."

I guess Hilton hotels are just as skanky as the heiress herself?

Guess he's not 'shooting blanks'...?

A Florida man reportedly shot himself in the arm after his girlfriend shot down having sex with him.

Police said Jonathon Guabello, 29, and his live-in girlfriend of five months, Ryan Mackinnon, came home from a bar around midnight Wednesday, and when Guabello started to get frisky, Mackinnon said she just wanted to go to sleep.

The 24-year-old girlfriend went into the spare bedroom, but several minutes later heard two gunshots. Guabello --who was under the influence of alcohol and Xanax-- came into the room with the gun and told her if she called for help or tried to put him in rehab, he'd kill her. He then stumbled into the kitchen, walked into the oven and knocked himself unconscious.

After being treated for the gunshot wounds at a local hospital, Guabello was charged with threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling. He was being held on $100,000 bail.

So, men, what lesson did we learn today? When you're drunk, randy and wielding a gun, your girlfriend probably won't want to have sex with you.

Cells stunt semen

While some studies are looking at cell phones' effect on brain cells, this one is testing the testes.

Men, beware:
Your phone is cooking your balls!

Thou shalt not obey Katy Perry

I guess the Havens Corners Church isn't a fan of cherry chapstick.

The Ohio Church posted a sign outside reading, "I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT THEN I WENT TO HELL" -- an obvious play on Katy Perry's radio hit.

The pastor at the church proclaimed the sign a "loving warning to teens" to advise them not to do what the Perry advocates in her song, and that people familiar with the Scriptures should not be shocked at the message because they're not ambiguous.

Lynne Bowman, director of Equality Ohio, a gay and transgender advocacy group, said that the 100-person church has made it clear that it is not welcoming of all people.

"That sign just tells them where they cannot go to find the love and faith in Christ." - Lynne Bowman.

I am always a little skeptical of church sign stories, because it's pretty simple to create your own -- as evidenced below. But, I checked out the church's Web site, and its "Finding and feeding His sheep" tagline and the "What Must I Do to Be Saved?" page don't make it too hard to believe this is legit.

Thanks, Mc!

New meaning to 'tramp stamp'

I love when typos lead to embarrassing stories in national news:

People calling a federal phone number to order $15 duck stamps --required to hunt migratory waterfowl-- are instead reaching "Intimate Connections" and are being enticed to "talk only to the girls that turn you on" for $1.99.

The mix-up came after a printing error on the carrier card for the stamps; instead of reading 1-800-782-6724, it lists 1-800-872-6724. The first number spells out 1-800-STAMP24, while the second number spells out 1-800-TRAMP24.

You know, I'm glad they didn't try to spell out "duck" with that phone number - it might have ended up even raunchier...

Proceeds from the cards go toward purchasing waterfowl habitat for the National Wildlife Refuge System. Officials said reprinting the cards would cost $300,000 and it likely would not be remedied. Those dialing by letter would reach the correct number and the typo was only printed on self-adhesive versions of the stamp.

Please make it stop

Nowadays, I wouldn't bother posting about Tila Tequila. My adoration for her and her show skedaddled when she passed up Dani on the first season of "Shot at Love."

But I noticed that she's coming out with a new music album and the title had me doubled over in pain. The album, which Tila promises will be "the dopest album of the year," will be called "I HAVE TOURETTE'S!"

"PS-PLEASE REMEMBER THE TITLE OF THIS ALBUM SO YOU DON'T GET CONFUSED WITH OTHER STUFF THAT THE MEDIA TRIES TO PUT OUT OK???? MUAH! " she writes on her MySpace page, followed by a number of expletives, presumably in an attempt to show that she might actually have the disorder...? I don't know.

Does anyone else find that appalling? Or are you all just shaking your heads in disbelief that I can still be surprised by garbage like this?

And in other awful --but related-- news... MTV is currently casting for "A Shot at Love 3," only it looks like Tila will not be the subject of suitors' adoration this time around. Fill out an application here.

Tila's exclusion from the show might have something to do with her ass getting dumped at the end of season two, or the fact that she's got a new (and very rich) girlfriend. Courtney Semel, who is the heir of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, looks like a bore, though-- Team Dani for life!

RELATED LINKS
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - BORE
Can you handle another shot of 'Tequila'?
How to save a bi
Here's to a shot at shameless self promotion
Ordering up another round of "Shot"
Tequila making you sick?
That's A-stupid

Inane things you can do, I (apparently) can't do better

Some of these may be questionable, but I thought maybe I'd stir up some controversy by posting AskMen.com's list of the Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do.

As a woman, I hesitate to say some of the things on the list made me laugh. It also made me think of Ron Burgundy's line, "I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."

So without further ado... [click the links below for a more detailed account]

• 10. Go topless - well sometimes we'd prefer if you didn't...
  
• 9. Hold their liquor - Click this one. Totally true.
  
• 8. Manscape - Um, well, yeah. Duh.
  
• 7. Navigate spatially
  
• 6. Shave their heads
  
• 5. Play real sports - Don't even get me started on this one...
  
• 4. Fertilize eggs - Where, pray tell, are you finding these eggs?
  
• 3. Pee standing up - Yeah, true. Unfair.
  
• 2. F^%* things - Way to go, boys. Be proud.
  
• 1. Age well - I won't argue this one. George Clooney will still be hot when he's 85.
  

It's all in good fun, though, right? Any woman want to try her hand at creating a Top 10 Things Men Can't Do list? I'm sure we could come up with more than 10...

Betrayed by the 'Bell'

Isn't it the best feeling when you're getting ready for work at 7 a.m., all the while knowing that you can put on TBS and see your friends from Bayside up to their old antics?

"Saved By the Bell" is probably one of the greatest shows of my adolescent life. There is not one episode I have not seen, one backstory I cannot describe in detail or one super corny line that I cannot recite.

But there were some things about the show -
particularly the real lives of its teen-now-adult stars - that I never really knew too much about... And thanks to Dustin "Screech" Diamond, that might soon be changing.

"Behind the Bell," Diamond's planned tell-all book, promises to detail "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" during the SBTB days, according to New York Magazine.

And while this is probably the greatest idea ever --it's enough to make me sing, "I'm so exciiiited, I'm so exciiiited"-- a part of me wants to forever preserve the innocent images of Zack, Kelly, Jessie, Lisa, Slater and Screech hanging out by their lockers and sharing fries at The Max. I don't want to hear if Mark Paul Gosselaar was actually taking drugs; that would be way too Johnny Dakota of him.

...Plus, I really hate Dustin Diamond and think he's a huge douchebag that doesn't deserve to make money like he'll make off of this. Who knows if he'll even be telling the truth. The guy's got serious "angry typecast" syndrome and probably resents the rest of his castmates that went on to do something else with their lives, like not starring in 67 episodes of "Saved By the Bell: The New Class."

Sex obviously sells

Congrats to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte--

The ladies proved this weekend that sex sells, as the "Sex and the City" movie's opening weekend numbers trumped the opening weekend sales of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

I absolutely refuse to give away any bit of the SATC movie, but two of my girlfriends and I went opening night to see it, and I must say...If you are a woman who's seen even one episode of this show and you still haven't seen the film, what in the name of Manolo Blahnik are you waiting for??

The ladies have obviously aged, but I don't care what Maxim has to say: Sarah Jessica Parker looks stunning in this movie.

And two warnings: If you're a crier at movies, pack your tissues. My friend Jenn and I cried for a good hour of the movie. It's a tad more depressing in parts than you might like. And also, the movie is 2.5 hours long, so go easy on the pre-show martinis.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be glad you didn't drag your grudging boyfriend to the film for him to complain about how unrealistic it is to spend $500 on shoes or how unattractive he finds Miranda to be.

Here's the trailer:

Update: Reality TV brilliance, if there is such a thing...

As previously reported, VH1 is taking their reality television programming to another level with "I Love Money," which pits former "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York" and "Rock of Love" contestants against each other in the quest for money--what they were actually on those shows for in the first place.

Now, the entire cast list has been announced, including:

Flavor of Love: Hoopz, Nibblz, Pumkin, Toasteee,
Rock of Love: Brandi C, Destiney, Heather, Megan, Rodeo,
I Love New York: 12-Pack, Chance, The Entertainer, Heat, Midget Mac, Mr. Boston, Real, Whiteboy


And a long "supertease" trailer has been released. These challenges are off the wall (a spitting contest inspired by Pumkin and some sort of chicken catapult??), the hook-ups look extremely underhanded and entertaining (Heather and 12-Pack, Real and Hoopz) and the 40-year-old Rodeo looks awkwardly out of place amongst the scantily clad youngsters.


video.vh1.com

More mindless television for me to get sucked into. God, I love it. "I Love Money" is set to premiere July 13 (with a casting special slated for July 6).


RELATED LINKS
Reality TV brilliance, if there is such a thing

Girl meets girl??

As most of my friends know, McFaddens in Philadelphia (particularly on 3rd Street) is a horrendous bar--terrible DJs, awful music and this obnoxious siren that goes off every 30 seconds.

But...had I known I would have been given the chance to make out with Topanga, I totally would have suffered through all that babel.

Yes folks, below you'll find a photo of Danielle Fishel at McFaddens this past weekend, making nice (and making out) with the locals...especially of the female variety.

*courtesy of collegehumor.com

Hopefully she didn't drive home afterward...

And where the heck is Cory!!? I'm sure that lovable brillo-head would have something snappy to say. Does anyone think it's ironic that she used to date gay *NSYNC-er Lance Bass?

RELATED LINKS:
Girl meets law

"Surgery could make me hotter. Surgery couldn't make her smarter"

WARNING: SPOILERS

So last year, Bret Michaels thought he had found his Rock of Love with Jes, but it turned out that she left and got a new boyfriend during the time between when the show was airing on VH1 and the reunion show in the fall. Fortunately, Rock of Love brought in some insane number of viewers and VH1 decided to give the Poison front man another go around of strippers and slutty rocker chicks.

He whittled 20 women down to two, eliminating "Frenchie" the Stripper, theUkrainian Love Tank Ina, crazy-ass Kristi Joe, Former 'Beauty and the Geek' Contestant Megan and Ultimate Groupie Destiney.

In the end, Bret was forced to choose between Daisy, the real-life plastic surgery version of Daisy Duck, or Ambre, the peppy Spartan Cheerleader-like actress who seemed like a fish out of water in Bret's house-o-rock.

The finale focused mainly on the fact that Bret has always had a sexual connection with Daisy (well duhhh, her silicone sambas were hanging out of every single thing she put on), but he's still concerned about her cloudy past. With Ambre, Bret has always felt comfortable and confident, but he wasn't sure if the physical connection was there and if she could handle his "rock and roll lifestyle," which, really? Come on.

As in all of VH1's formated celeb searching for life final episodes, Bret takes each girl on a day-long date, which begins with some sort of innocent--but scantily clad--activity, topped off with dinner and a nightcap.

Date 1: Daisy tells Ambre she's not sexy. Ambre focuses in on slutting it up on her next date with Bret. They go on some jungle tour and have some massages. She jumps on his back and rubs him down. They go to dinner (and PS. why does Bret NEVER get dressed up for any of these occasions? I guess he's too "rock and roll" for that). Ambre reveals she's not wearing any underwear and proceeds to cross and uncross her legs. Bret barks, "Check please!" and they whisk away to his candlelit bedroom, where he describes every piece of furniture in the room as something "to make love on," including some sort of peanut cart? Oh Bret, how I love thee. They ultimately land on the bed outside on the moonlit balcony. Romance, la la la.

Date 2: Bret takes Daisy out on a boat to go fishing, because she obviously looks like a girl who loves to fish. They somewhat reenact a scene from "Titanic" out on the front of the boat, except Daisy gets woozie and hurls over the side of the boat. But it turns Bret on--just like everything else on the planet does--and he feels a closer connection with Daisy. Fast forward to dinner: Daisy tells Bret she loves him. "Check please!" again, and away they go to the same bedroom...and the same bed on the balcony. Sanitary indeed.

The verbal battles between Daisy and Ambre in the bedroom made me want to punch a puppy, though it did yield the title to this entry. God I love Ambre. And why the hell couldn't the producers give these girls a keycard to the damn bedroom? The awkward knocking and entering scenes were terrible. [click here to watch bonus footage of Daisy and Ambre's arguments]

Elimination time. Bret gives his speech on how he loves both of them and they have both made an extreme impact on his life, yadda yadda. He calls Daisy forward--and in an extremely less dramatic and less clever style than last season's King Midas twist--Bret tells Daisy her tour has ended and selects Ambre to be his Rock of Love. [watch below!]


video.vh1.com

What's funny is Daisy's reaction to all of this: "I just want to curl up in a ball and eat a lot of ice cream." How profound.

And just as Bret said, it's funny how fate works out because Ambre was sent packing day one until Jackye had a panic attack and went home and Bret filled her place with Ambre.

So again, my favorite girl from the start has won Bret's heart. I hope this one lasts. Well, I'd love it if it did, but...I would be slightly okay with another season of this show. I need to go to Bret Michaels Anonymous, like, seriously.

And be on the look out for next week's season two reunion show. It looks like Daisy gets her ass beat by Heather, yessss!

Can you handle another shot of 'Tequila'?

Yes, as I mentioned at the start of 2008, Tila Tequila and her bi-sexual reality show are back for another round.

Starting April 22, another lot of lesbians and straight toolbags will move into an MTV mansion to win a "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." It looks like a lot of blood, sweat, tears...and vomit?

This season's trailer is seriously disgusting...


That's fine. I won't follow this as intensely as the first season--because I was pulling for my Indigo Girls-song-inducing-Dani to win Tila's heart--but I will probably end up watching this. I'm a sucker for some man-on-man headbutting, what can I say?

Otherwise, this show will probably be as terrible as its first season's spin off with Domenico. Is that show even on anymore??

RELATED LINKS:
How to save a bi
Here's to a shot at shameless self promotion
Ordering up another round of "Shot"
Tequila making you sick?
That's A-stupid

Teenage STDs--WTF?

A CDC study this week found that 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD. And when we say 'teenage,' we mean 14-19.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here when I say that I find this extremely disturbing. You're like, in 8th grade and you have an STD? I don't even think knew what sex was at that age. And I'm pretty sure I didn't learn about STDs until senior year of high school.

About half of the girls studied acknowledged having sex. And one in four has an STD? That's like, a lot. And they were only testing for four STDs...

HPV, which is the leading cause in cervical cancer, was found to be most prevalent among the girls studied. And despite a recent outpouring of HPV prevention and awareness campaigns, parents need to wise up to the times and teach their kids what's up. Hopefully these numbers will serve as a wake-up call because kids are having sex way too young and being completely irresponsible.

...and let me tell you, I didn't even attempt to find a good picture to illustrate this point. I had enough problems studying my health textbook senior year.


Thanks, Dave.

Experience the 'O'

In honor of my two friends' inquiring minds, please visit this site--it helps you understand what the opposite sex experiences during a 'ride on the ole bone roller coaster.'

Have fun ;)

That's a-stupid

Alright, make fun of me all you want for liking "Shot at Love With Tequia Tequila," but I will never, ever, ever like the show's spin-off "That's Amore!" with Domenico. I have better reality television standards than that (if that's not an oxymoronic statement).

I caught about 10 minutes of this show. I saw girls shoving meatballs in their mouths and talking about their fake boobs. Something about one of them not shaving her nether regions and one girl revealing she had sex in a stadium restroom in her first conversation with Domenico. The offer to stay and be Domenico's "bambina" also kinda made me gag. What the hell is this? I thought he was an actor with a terrible accent on Shot at Love and now he's running around in that Italian flag Speedo and getting it on with some smutty blonds?

And why is there always an ambulance in a reality show montage of episodes to come!?

To top it all off, former Tila-obsessed cowboy, Ashley, is Domenico's sidekick on the show. The man is a teacher and he told a girl she "has a well head on her shoulders."

I'm serious. I'm not watching this show.

2008 will be a sexy year

AskMen.com has released its annual Top 99 Women of the Year.

To see the list in its entirety, click here. For the "Jercnotes" version, keep on readin'...

TOP TEN
10. Adriana Lima
9. Marisa Miller
8. Rihanna
7. Jessica Biel
6. Scarlett Johansson
5. Jessica Alba
4. Eva Mendes
3. Kate Beckinsale
2. Alessandra Ambrosio
1. Katherine Heigl

Understandably, the Jessica Alba-Biel powerhouse landed in the top 10, and Lord are we thankful Jessica Simpson has finally fallen off the map.

But they've got three Victoria's Secret models in the top 10, and kudos to them for being hot, but really? Top 10? Mehh, don't know about that.

I'd like to petition for Scarlett Johansson to be moved up on that list, because if ever I had a celebrity girl crush, she's the one (or maybe Blake Lively, who landed at number 99 this year). And Eva Mendes on this list was probably a good idea at the time, but AskMen might be regretting this once her new movie tanks.

I'm not the biggest Katherine Heigl fan, but this woman has had an incredible year. From Grey's Anatomy--which I'm not into but is apparently the television form of crack-- to Knocked Up (awesome movie) and finally to the latest uber-chick flick 27 Dresses, she's got her success in the bag. Good for her.

Thoughts?

New meaning to 'cock pit'?

Good news for nudists!

OssiUrlaub.de, a German travel agency, will begin taking reservations for a July 5 flight where passengers can be nude the entire time.

In Germany, Naturism --or "free body culture" (FKK)--is a normal thing, and the flight is not intended to promote membership in the mile-high club, according the agency's director.

The flight will be a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, and will cost 499 euros, or $735.

Passengers must remain clothed until they board and put their clothes on before exiting the plane. The flight crew will remain clothed the entire flight due to safety reasons.

The flight holds 55 people, and the director said the plane is very small. So...great - as if flying weren't uncomfortable enough; now you've got some wrinkly, naked man crammed up next to you. But I guess if that flies with you, you can fly the nudist flight to Usedom.

Update: Hot for teacher, err, waitress?

Updating a previous item:

Debra Lafave, the 27-year-old teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old boy in Nov. 2005, was found in violation of her probation in a Florida courtroom Thursday after having contact with minors, but the judge did not send her to jail.

Lafave was arrested after a 17-year-old female coworker claimed to have had one-on-one and group conversations with Lafave about "non-work related issues such as family problems, friends, high school, personal life, boyfriend issues and sexual issues."

She also had physical contact with the girl, but claimed that it was "innocent" hugging because the work staff was almost like family. Lafave also said that she did not speak about her personal life in the aforementioned conversations, but that the teenager was very forthright "in a group setting" about her sexual life.

Lafave was forced to quit her job at the restaurant and is now working at her mother's beauty salon, where hopefully no one under the age of 18 comes in, because the judge actually told the woman, "Please don't come back."