RIPs

UPDATE: Pitchman Billy Mays was found dead today in his home. He was 50. Unbelievable.

I haven't updated in a long time -- no time at all -- but I felt the need to chronicle today/this week as it will become legendary in pop culture history.

Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," died suddenly today after an apparent heart attack. The artist behind best-selling album of all time died at the age of 50.

Also today, actress Farrah Fawcett lossed her very public battle with cancer. The "Charlie's Angels" actress famous for her pin-up status, Fawcett recently released a documentary depicting her struggles called "Farrah's story." She was 62.

Hollywood lost another legend earlier this week when former Johnny Carson sidekick Ed McMahon submitted to a number of health problems. He was 86.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

from The Jerc Store!

Don't forget to wish your momma a happy Mother's Day today! And if you're having trouble finding the right words to say, DON'T take the Shia-LaBeouf-approach...

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds." -- Actor Shia LaBeouf

That's, uh, flattering...and really f'ing creepy. Read more here.

What's also moderately creepy (but obviously much more hilarious) is SNL's new "Dick-in-a-Box" guys skit, "Motherlover."

Anyway... Happy Mother's Day!

Pageants and healthcare are about integrity, okay?

 With all the drama drama surrounding the Miss USA pageant last week, I feel the need to bring the attention off the question of gay marriage that [in my opinion] Miss California so totally flubbed and focus it on Miss Arizona's awesomely terrible "stance" on health care in America.

"SNL"/"All That"/"Keenan and Kel"/"Mighty Ducks" star Keenan Thompson (dressed to the nines in a hoodie) asks the pageant contestant, Alicia-Monique Blanco, if the United States should have universal health care as a right of citizenship. 

Taking a page right out of Miss South Carolina 2008's book ("Everywhere, like such as, the Iraq..."), Blanco declares the issue a matter of integrity... several times... and leaves us all scratching our heads.

Really? Did these girls not come prepared to answer questions like these? We just had a presidential election with bountiful coverage of every important issue plaguing our country --you had the "study guide" five months before the test, you witless loser.

RIP Bea Arthur

We are losing American icons left and right this month...   :(

Actress Beatrice "Bea" Arthur, best known as Dorothy on Golden Girls, lost her battle with cancer today. She was 86. 

[read the full story]

Thank you for being a friend, Bea.

Prostitute 'slap-chopped' by the ShamWow guy

I'm an infomercial junkie and the ShamWow! ranks right up there with the Magic Bullet and Snuggie as one of my favs. So, naturally, I was pretty upset to hear that the magic towel salesman, Vince Shlomi, was recently arrested for assaulting a hooker.

According to reports, Shlomi -- also known as "Vince Offer" -- paid 26-year-old prostitute Sasha Harris $1,000 in February for "straight sex." But, as he told police, the woman bit his tongue while kissing him and refused to let go. He then punched her several times and ran into the hotel lobby to call police.

I guess it's pretty unlucky that his other highly tauted infomercial is for the "Slap Chop." (And ironically enough, he quips "You're gonna love my nuts" during the demonstration. See below for the remixed version.)



Both were charged with battery. Check out the pics courtesy of The Smoking Gun. They're pretty gruesome:



Funny -- I can't look at those pictures without saying, 'wow' every time. Thanks, Vince!

Thanks, TJS!

"PLEASE, let me be your Rock of Love..."

[NOTE] Leading up to this concert, I couldn't find many reviews -- mostly because this was only the third or fourth stop of this tour -- so I hope this helps people going to future concerts get an idea of what's in store.

As I mentioned last week, my girlfriends are fantastic for supporting my love of Bret Michaels and this weekend only elevated my irrational obsession of the "seasoned" rocker.

My four friends and I journeyed down to the House of Blues in Showboat Casino Friday night (March 20) for Bret's Atlantic City stop on the "Rock of Love Bus Tour."

We made it down in good time, but our 20-minute check-in and dimly lit hotel room made getting ready for the show a frantic mess of high heels, eyeliner and lingerie (What? Did you think we would show up to a Bret Michaels concert and not dress the part?).

Doors opened at 8 and the show was set to begin at 9, but we unfortunately got in there a little later than I had hoped and fans were jammed tight up to the stage. My friends and I scooted through the crowd and landed about 20-25 rows of people away from the stage. I wanted to get closer, but we were essentially stonewalled by people much larger than we. (Rachel would later say we were blocked by the "fat fortress.")

In my opinion, Bret brought the house down. His voice is a little gruffer than it used to be and he didn't play long (little more than an hour?), but his and the BMB's energy had the crowd -- hardcore Poison fans, Bret Michaels solo enthusiasts and reality television lovers alike -- dancing, jumping and unskinnybopping all over the place.

Bret was smiling the entire time, doing some dancing in his skintight jeans and repeatedly reaching out to the extended hands of fans pouring over the railings. He told mildly insightful stories about his songs (like writing "Every Rose" in a laundromat), reminded us that "ROL" has been the highest rated show on VH1 for three seasons and directed cameramen around the stage as they filmed segments for the channel.

The music was a mix of old Poison, new Bret Michaels Band and cover songs. He opened with the again-popular "Talk Dirty to Me" (for all the Guitar Hero fans in the room), ripped through the "oldest of the oldschool Poison" with "Look What the Cat Dragged In," ended with "Fallen Angel" and encored with "Nothing But a Good Time" (which I called from a mile away -- video below).

Bret also went oldschool with covers of "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Knocking on Heaven's Door." Of his newer material, he played the theme to his hit reality show, "Go That Far," the corny-but-catchy "Bittersweet" and --my favorite-- "Driven."

Looking back, I'm a little disappointed we didn't work to get backstage, and while I didn't get to meet Bret, my friends and I did manage to meet and get a hug from Chuck Fanslau, the drummer from the Bret Michaels Band (and who infamously kissed Beverly in ROLB ep. 4 -- pictured below)!

So, overall, Bret Michaels' solo concert was nothing but a good time and my friends and I are already planning to see Poison (with Def Leppard and Cheap Trick) in June when they kick off their tour in NJ in June -- whoo! And you can bet your extension-wearing, silicone-loving butt I'm going to be front row next time Bret comes to town ;)

Bret: 'Bus,' birthday and a book?

During my blogging sabbatical, lots of exciting and offbeat stories made it to the forefront of every imaginable news outlet (excluding, of course, The Jerc Store). Among these were the "Octo Mom," a violent chimp attack, a crashing plane miraculously landing in the Hudson and Chris Brown allegedly beating girlfriend Rhianna.

I'm over all of these stories, and --frankly-- too lazy to write about them, so let's move on to more important things, like Bret Michaels.

Today is his 46th birthday -- rarrr.

A big thanks to my girlfriends for dignifying my irrational love of the Poison front man: A group of us is going to see Bret in concert next weekend at the House of Blues in Atlantic City. (And we're buying appropriate "Rock of Love" attire, to boot.)

But what really prompted this Bret lovefest post is the announcement this week that he will be penning a "tell-all" autobiography called "Roses and Thorns: The Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy to My Realty." Got a nice ring to it, eh?

The book, which hits shelves in June, will explore "every aspect" of Bret's life, including the sex, the drugs, the rock 'n' roll...and the diabetes? He'll also go into detail about his very public conflicts with Poison guitarist CeCe DeVille.

And speaking of the band, Poison will be touring with Def Leppard and Cheap Trick this summer. Hey, whaddya know? They kick off the tour June 23 in Camden. Hmm... Maybe I will get more miles out of my new hookerwear than I thought!

Cos I'm Tripp-ing babies

You guys remember my post about the Palin family baby name generator? (If you didn't try it out, please do - it's quite entertaining). Well, we weren't just being mean by making fun of the ridiculous names the children in the family have: Apparently they're all quite fine with producing offspring with equally as terrible names.

Sarah Palin's 18-year-old daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a son Sunday. The baby's name? Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. If you got that output from the Palin family baby name generator, you win!

Tripp weighed in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces.

What makes me laugh is Bristol's fiance, Levi Johnston, apparently had the following on his MySpace page in September before news dropped about his sweetheart's pregnancy: Under status: "in a relationship," but after kids: "I don't want kids."

Either way, it looks like the couple will make out by selling photos of the new baby Palin. Reports Monday night put the number close to $300,000.

Yes, Sarah Palin is now a grandma. I guess now she's gone from MILF, to VPILF, to GILF. Either way, I've got a message for her: Have a nice Tripp, hopefully we don't see you Fall of 2012.

"You'll shoot your eye out!"

Just think: 25 years ago that phrase was nothing more than a line in some movie about a little blond kid and his BB gun, a movie that debuted around Thanksgiving and was pulled from theaters before Christmas even came around.

But now, "You'll shoot your eye out, " sexy leg lamps and the phonetical pronunciation of "fragile" (fraaah-jeeel-aaay,--must be Italian) are Christmas staples, especially thanks to TBS and TNT's 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" -- a tradition that began in 1997.

Love it or hate, the movie has become a holiday tradition: Last year, the movie marathon brought in 4.4 million viewers - about 1/6 of the American population. Pretty ridic.

What's also ridiculous is the fact that a San Diego man has recreated the Parker house after winning an eBay auction, and it's become a major tourist attraction in Cleveland. Read all about it here. Roadtrip anyone?

And if you have any interest in reading the original movie review for "A Christmas Story," click here.

So, enjoy your holiday and sing "fra-ra-ra-ra" as you enjoy 24 hours of Christmas classic -- I triple dog dare you.

Speidi and the Patron make it happen

As much as I feel the last episode of "The Hills" deserves a Jerc Store-style recap (and perhaps it will get one, if my job ever stops consuming my life), I just have to ask the question now: Was anyone else super confused by the Speidi wedding in the Mexico this week?

I consulted with fellow Hills-buff, Stef, on this and she confirmed that it wasn't just me being as vapid as most of the girls on the show - the continuity of the episode really didn't make sense.

In real life --that is, the life that you and I lead-- news of Heidi and Spencer eloping in Mexico broke Nov. 24, just three weeks before this episode aired. Meanwhile (in Hillsland), Lauren and the crew are saying goodbye to Whitney, who is about to leave for a new life in New York City. But, we've been seeing promos for Whitney's new show, "The City," for at least three weeks now and the show premieres in two. How is that they'd already shot, cut, edited and shipped all the footage for Whitney's new show essentially before she's left?

Did that explanation make sense to anyone? No? Okay, try this one out then...

Heidi and Spencer go to Mexico. One night they're drinking--heavily. Now, it's nighttime when Spencer seemingly forces shots of Patron down Heidi's throat and convinces her to marry him right then and there. (Of course, being the gentleman he is, Spencer pushes, pushes, pushes and then sticks his lip out and says, "You're sure?" Please.) The next time we see the couple --now newlyweds-- is during a morning in their hotel room as Heidi talks about being hungover last night from all the Patron. But yet, they whip out a camcorder to show footage of their wedding, shot in daylight.

If they were taking the shots at night and decided on a whim to get married at night, how was the wedding that they're seemingly discussing "the morning after" shot in daylight?

Could this mean that The Hills is --OMG-- fake? Did they do something like this to --GASP-- improve ratings?

[UPDATE] And hey, previews for next week's season finale show Heidi and Spencer making their elopement legal in a courtroom, but apparently that was filmed after hours and is likely not real either. Haaaaaa.

Thanks, Geoff and Stef!

'Oh, you guys can't breathe in outerspace?'

"Dark Knight" ads are popping up all over the place now that the movie is out on DVD and word just came out that Heath Ledger has been posthumously nominated for a Golden Globe. (Ledger, who played the Joker, will vie for the title of best supporting actor Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr., Ralph Fiennes and Philip Seymour Hoffman.)

All this Batman talk got me thinking about how awesome Dark Knight is and reminded me of a funny College Humor short I saw a few months back. I'm a Batman fan all the way (much more realistic, relative to other super heroes), but this made me laugh.




RELATED LINKS
Riddled with rumors
Dark curse?
Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint...and a Chupa Chup
Coasting by
"WHY SO SERIOUS?"
Update: Heath Ledger death an accident
Update: Heath Ledger's death
BREAKING NEWS: Actor Heath Ledger found dead

Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding...

Okay, so I'm backtracking on the Heidi-Spencer wedding, as is the rest of the free media world--or at least those who had nothing better to write about than the faux-reality show stars' apparently faux wedding in Mexico last week. (Yeah, and that includes you, Associated Press. You're not so much better than the rest of us. Pfft.)

It appears as though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's elopement was not actually a legally binding union, as previously reported.

"We had a beautiful ceremony here ... officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We've never been happier. And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we'll take care of the legal details when we get home," the couple said in a statement.

Us Weekly, which features the two on its cover this week, reported that Speidi decided to get married while drinking margaritas on the beach. An hour later, they were exchanging vows, the magazine said. Gee, that sounds super well-thought out!

Apparently, it was thought out enough for MTV to get in on the action: "Fans will be able to see the exclusive footage from the ceremony in an upcoming episode, and we will continue to follow the newlyweds' relationship as it plays out in real life," said Executive Producer of "The Hills," Liz Gately.

It's not clear right now whether the footage of the ceremony will be a reenactment of the ceremony or footage obtained from another source. But I'm so totally sure it will be as totally real as the rest of the show.

It's a 'Speidi' wedding!

Well, they did it. 'Hills' stars Heidi and Spencer have reportedly tied the knot, with fewer family members than photogs in attendance. Gee, that's not like Speidi at all...

Us Weekly has confirmed the union, and will feature a full spread on the private ceremony in its upcoming issue, on stands Wednesday.

Here's a taste:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue. See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

See more amazing celebrity wedding photos.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

"I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,'" Montag tells Us.

"She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that," she adds. "I don't know when I'll tell her." Um? I guess now?

Pratt and Montag have had a tumultuous relationship.

In 2007, Pratt popped the question (after just eight months of dating) with a diamond-encrusted platinum band set with a purple stone that he'd purchased from the mall.

See how much stars paid for their engagement rings.

But after bickering over Pratt hitting on women in a club, the pair took a "relationship vacation" just a few months later.

"I'd just turned 21, and it was scary because I was so young," Montag told Us following the split.

(What happened to the bling? "I turned it into a pendant," Montag told Us in December. "It wasn't my dream ring. I don't like what it represents. I might sell it.")

The pair gave it another go in May 2008, after a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico where "Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife,'" Pratt explained.

By the end, he'd convinced her to plan their wedding again.

"I'm ready to marry Spencer," Montag told Us that month. "He's my soulmate."

Just what the Dr. ordered

It's not exactly free health care, but as of right now, you can now get a free 'appointment' with Dr. Pepper.

The soft-drink maker said earlier this year that it would give a free soda to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses released its "Chinese Democracy" album before the end of 2008. The album, which has been famously delayed since recording began in 1994, goes on sale today (Sunday).

And what the heck is the connection here?

"It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper's special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love. So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection -- for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as 'Dr Pepper for the ears' because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic." - Dr Pepper director of marketing Jaxie Alt.

Coupons for a free 20-ounce Dr. Peppers will be available for 24 hours on Dr Pepper's Web site. They'll be honored until Feb. 28.

RELATED LINKS
Dessert in a can = no no
Dessert in a can
Chocolate's 'Reign' over marketing

Happy Birthday, Leen!

Sex down under

The Hollywood actor with the most pornstar-like name has been named People's 2008 Sexiest Man Alive.

Hugh Jackman, star of the upcoming "Australia," will be featured on the cover of this week's mag, which hits stands Friday.

The 6-foot-2 Wolverine likes to sing and make pancakes at his home, his wife of 12 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, told the magazine. Hmm... that kinda makes him seem a little less bad-ass.

Jackman beat out a number of hunks to win the sexy title. People gave us a sneak preview of the runners up before Friday's issue is out, including Daniel Craig, Twilight's Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron and Michael Phelps (um, are they just looking at pictures of his body?).

There were also a few blasts from the past, namely Mark-Paul Gosselaar and ex-Dawson Creek-er Joshua Jackson, who have both reinvented themselves in primetime dramas "Raising the Bar" and "Fringe," respectively. Hey, what about Mario Lopez?

Who else can we expect? Guess we'll have to wait for the issue to come out, but I'm hoping to see Chase Crawford (left, Nate, "Gossip Girl"), Ryan Kwaten (Jason, "True Blood") and of course, Bret Michaels! haaaa

RELATED LINKS
Sexy time

'True' hit

I was so happy to hear from several of my friends over the last few weeks that they are as obsessed with HBO's "True Blood" as I am. And now CNN is jumping on the vindication train. Whoo!
If you've never watched the show (or have only watched one episode), you probably think the viewing population has been drinking some sort of Tru Blood Kool-Aid; I'll admit, I was a little weirded out by the first episode myself. But give it two episodes, and you'll be absolutely hooked.

Anna Paquin ("Fly Away Home" anyone?) stars as Sookie Stackhouse, an innocent-but-feisty Louisiana girl who's got the hots for Bill the vampire in a town where vamps have only recently begun integrating. The ancillary characters have got issues all their own, and there's lots of sex, drugs and blood-thirsty roles.

Read more about how the show has taken off since its September premiere.

Now, I know the haters are probably rolling their eyes over the whole vampire trend (ala "Twilight"), but this show is way, way better--and hotter. (Be warned, True Blood is not for watching with your parents in the room--I don't care how old you are.)

Anyway, give it a shot. Sundays at 9 on HBO. But if you'd like to get the full effect of how incredibly addictive the show is, go online or watch On-Demand and start from the beginning.

And for those of you who already True Blood fans, you'll be pleased to hear that it's been picked up for a second season!

Thanks, Geoff!

More 'Hills'

While my coverage of "The Hills" has been waning in recent weeks, I still thought it fair to post a 'scoop' I heard tonight: After much speculation whether or not MTV's most famous faux-reality show would continue for another season, Audrina Patridge has confirmed that the fifth season is a go.

Lately, Hills protagonist Lauren Conrad has been questioning whether she'd like to continue with the show that made her famous, but apparently she caved. Or maybe she's not even on the show anymore and we'll be watching Audrina and Holly live their lives. Just like watching paint dry.

Check out what Audrina had to say here.

To church in a hank-Baskett

Okay, that was a bad pun attempt. Sorry.

I probably wouldn't be writing about some playmate and a football player, but Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson has become quite the local celebrity in my town lately now that she's been dating Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett. Apparently the two really enjoy hitting up the Redstone in my town.

The 23-year-old Wilkinson and the 26-year-old Baskett are now officially engaged, sources say. Not only am I happy for them, but this gives me a chance to post my pictures of Hank buying my friends and me shots last summer at McFadden's in Philly. My friends think it's funny that one of our female friends (who shall remain nameless) was repeatedly hit on by Hank that night, but she turned him down; they then deduced that that would make her more unattainable than a Playboy Playmate. Good for her!

Baskett reportedly proposed to Kendra --on one knee-- at the Space Needle in Seattle last weekend. The Eagles were away playing the Seahawks Sunday. Both families were on hand for the proposal.

Hugh Hefner, who was recently ditched by all three of his Girls Next Door, released a statement Saturday, saying that Kendra had found "someone she would like to spend the rest of her life with." He said that he would give her away in a special wedding ceremony at the Mansion in June.

Hef's other former-gf, Holly Madison, has been dating “Mindfreak” illusionist Criss Angel, but I don't think the 82-year-old minds too much: He's "dating" a pair of 19-year-old twins, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Good for him!

RIP Michael Crichton

Famed writer Michael Crichton died unexpectedly Tuesday night after a private battle with cancer, sources say.

Crichton, a 66-year-old medical doctor, was best known for penning "Jurassic Park" and his work with the television show "ER."

He also wrote "The Andromeda Strain," "Sphere" and "Rising Sun" and his 2004 novel, "State of Fear," in which he took on global warming and the theories surrounding it. He directed "Westworld" (1973), "Coma" (1978), "Looker" (1981) and "Runaway" (1984).

Crichton, who graduated from Harvard Medical School, won an Emmy, a Peabody and a Writers Guild of America Award for "ER," and won other awards as well.

[click here to read his New York Times obit]

He is survived by his wife, Sherri, and daughter, Taylor.

BOO!

Happy Halloween from The Jerc Store!

So, what are we gonna see more of this year: Political figures (most notably Sarah Palin) or Heath Ledger's The Joker? Maybe it'll be the rebirth of Britney Spears. What am I being? That's a secret ;)

I haven't been this excited about Halloween in awhile, so bring on the trick-or-treaters and crappy candy corn - it's Halloween weekend!

[and Happy Birthday, Rachie!]