"The Hills" have five

For as much as I loved Whitney on "The Hills," I must admit I've barely given "The City" a second glance. I'm not really sure why -- Perhaps it's the lack of Speidi or the fact that I can't understand anything that Australian guy says. 

Either way, I am [shamefully] looking forward to MTV's original scripted drama returning to Monday nights in April.

Check out the trailer for season five below. I love how it opens with a fortune teller soothsaying Lauren's misfortunes ("People who you thought were your friends turned out to be your enemies"). Gee, how insightful. Think she's got cable?

And just as Brett Favre proclaims at the end of every

 season, Lauren Conrad claims to be quitting The Hills...for good this time...

Seriously...

...But probably not.

And even if LC does take a break from the show that made her famous enough to have fake internships, fake boyfriends and a fake clothing line, producers are looking at ways to continue airing the popular show. Rumor has it that Lo is on board. And I'm sure they'll have a hard time getting Heidi and Spencer to come back...

"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Speidi and the Patron make it happen

As much as I feel the last episode of "The Hills" deserves a Jerc Store-style recap (and perhaps it will get one, if my job ever stops consuming my life), I just have to ask the question now: Was anyone else super confused by the Speidi wedding in the Mexico this week?

I consulted with fellow Hills-buff, Stef, on this and she confirmed that it wasn't just me being as vapid as most of the girls on the show - the continuity of the episode really didn't make sense.

In real life --that is, the life that you and I lead-- news of Heidi and Spencer eloping in Mexico broke Nov. 24, just three weeks before this episode aired. Meanwhile (in Hillsland), Lauren and the crew are saying goodbye to Whitney, who is about to leave for a new life in New York City. But, we've been seeing promos for Whitney's new show, "The City," for at least three weeks now and the show premieres in two. How is that they'd already shot, cut, edited and shipped all the footage for Whitney's new show essentially before she's left?

Did that explanation make sense to anyone? No? Okay, try this one out then...

Heidi and Spencer go to Mexico. One night they're drinking--heavily. Now, it's nighttime when Spencer seemingly forces shots of Patron down Heidi's throat and convinces her to marry him right then and there. (Of course, being the gentleman he is, Spencer pushes, pushes, pushes and then sticks his lip out and says, "You're sure?" Please.) The next time we see the couple --now newlyweds-- is during a morning in their hotel room as Heidi talks about being hungover last night from all the Patron. But yet, they whip out a camcorder to show footage of their wedding, shot in daylight.

If they were taking the shots at night and decided on a whim to get married at night, how was the wedding that they're seemingly discussing "the morning after" shot in daylight?

Could this mean that The Hills is --OMG-- fake? Did they do something like this to --GASP-- improve ratings?

[UPDATE] And hey, previews for next week's season finale show Heidi and Spencer making their elopement legal in a courtroom, but apparently that was filmed after hours and is likely not real either. Haaaaaa.

Thanks, Geoff and Stef!

More 'Hills'

While my coverage of "The Hills" has been waning in recent weeks, I still thought it fair to post a 'scoop' I heard tonight: After much speculation whether or not MTV's most famous faux-reality show would continue for another season, Audrina Patridge has confirmed that the fifth season is a go.

Lately, Hills protagonist Lauren Conrad has been questioning whether she'd like to continue with the show that made her famous, but apparently she caved. Or maybe she's not even on the show anymore and we'll be watching Audrina and Holly live their lives. Just like watching paint dry.

Check out what Audrina had to say here.

"If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree"

I swear, I will get a 'Hills' update soon: I passively watched last night, and while the episode was pretty bland, I did find some things to poke fun at. I'll have to On Demand-it-up over the next few days and try to put together a comprehensive Hills fest of the last three episodes.

In the meantime, check out Lauren's appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night.

The first few minutes are somewhat awkward, with Letterman straight up telling Lauren that she's the reason why people on The Hills hate each other...and she has no idea how to react.

Lauren then discusses the show, the cast, her upcoming books and plans for the future--or tries to, as Letterman interrupts her every 2.5 seconds. Still, LC manages to slip in a great jab at Spencer (around 2:15 in).

Overall, Lauren seems pretty daft, but she's probably just too creeped out by Letterman drooling all over her. Check it out, particularly around 5:45 when Letterman starts giving his thoughts on Brody.



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

The short on Port

My apologies for the lack of 'Hills' recaps lately. Admittedly, I've missed the last two episodes and have had no time to catch up...and until that happens, here's a little teaser for the new Hills spinoff, "The City," starring Whitney.

From what I can gather, there will be a bit less airhead conversation and bit more focus on the career path than The Hills offered; that's a good thing if we're trying to influence young women to get excited about being successful in a professional sense, but it's probaaably not going to be that good for ratings.

Then again, if Lauren makes good on her promise to quit filming the reality show, then I guess "The City" is all we got.

Hey, at least there's a guy with a hot Australian accent!



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over "The Hills"
Head from "The Hills"

Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'

Uh-oh 'Hills' fans - Lauren is talking about calling it quits!

The Hills protagonist told Extra! last night that, "It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away. I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Ahhh, suddenly it makes sense why they are not pushing Whitney's life on us!

Lauren apparently wants to walk away from MTV's most popular show to tour college campuses and talk to co-eds about domestic violence and the like. (Similar to past Real World-ers.)

But wait--there's more: Lauren and Heidi are friends again!

USmagazine reports that the two made up at a Malibu Rum sponsored dinner at STK in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Heidi came over and congratulated Lauren on her clothing line and the two hugged. Daww, how sweet...but I didn't believe they were ever really fighting in the first place.

RELATED LINKS
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Head from 'The Hills'

It appears that MTV is trying to suck its 'Hills' franchise dry: Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad's friend and co-worker, will be getting her very own spinoff in 2009.

Rumors of the spinoff have been swirling for awhile now, but MTV announced today that Whitney will star in "The City" --clever title. The show will air in the spring.

Cameras will follow Whitney from LA to NYC, where she will work for designer Diane Von Furstenberg. reunite with "a best friend from her past" and meet "a guy she's head-over-heels for," according to the release.

I mean, I'm all for the "normal" girl on the overly-hyped television show having her day, but do we really think Whitney can carry the show on her own? I mean, she's intelligent and beautiful, but let's face it: She's just an ancillary character in the drama-tastic world of The Hills--that's the downside of having substance and integrity.

MTV is already heading off our worries with this exaggerated description of the show:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose. In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from." - MTV

You know, I thought Whitney was smart for shying away from the cameras during The Hills and focusing on her career, but I'd say this seems like a step in the wrong direction. Still, it will give me some more meaningless television to watch, so...okay.

"If she never met Spencer..."

So I've been slacking on my Hills updates lately--I've been a bit uninspired. Let's see if we can get back on track this week...

This week's episode was completely sans Stephanie - already an upgrade. (In case you missed last week's episode, Stephanie and Doug had been "dating," he called her a lost puppy to hide his shame for macking it with her, Lauren coldly consoled her. It was thrilling.)

There was much more Audrina in this episode, mostly following her on awkward dates. How terrible do you feel for these guys whose first date with a hot girl is put on display for all of America to see? Anyway, Audrina goes out with Colin twice, but she repeatedly brings up Justin Bobby. Good first date etiquette. Poor Colin tries his hardest to point out every discernable difference between him and JB --including their drunk personas (charming)-- but Audrina just can't get over that mumbling, inconsiderate, combat-boot-wearing Justin.

On to more important matters... Heidi and Holly discuss the Lauren situation ad nauseum: "You don't think I want to be catching up with her, seeing how her life has been over the last two years?" Heidi says to her sister -- Hmm, I'm pretty sure that Heidi could turn on MTV at any given moment and be able to catch herself up on the life of LC. (Or she could read this blog.)

Cut to commercial - Did anyone catch the Sonic ad that (I think) was meant to replicate The Hills, like, kind of? You might not have - It was a quick 30-second spot, but I found it really hard to concentrate on anything after they said 'banana pudding shake.' Too much salivating.

During weekly chat with Whitney, Lauren presents letter from Heidi, which Whit proceeds to read out loud. And the content - Can we say laaaame? The letter sounded like it was written by a polite kindergartner. She even signed it "Heidi Montag," like Lauren wouldn't have known who it was from without the surname, or even based on inane content alone. LC also aptly points out that even though Heidi apologizes in the letter, she still cannot blame Spencer for what happened.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Holly are chatting about the letter when -DUNDUNDUN- Spencer menacingly enters stage left and a hush falls over the room. He and Holly get into a sass-fight: Holly says Lauren "straight up" won't be friends with Heidi if Spencer is in the picture, but Spencer shushes Holly and smuggly takes credit for the discord between the friends.

Next week we've got Spencer threatening to move out if Holly isn't gone and Audrina taking her top off. Scaaandalous.

Here's another round of my Hills drinking game!

• Everytime Lo creepily stares at Holly, making comparisons to Heidi.
• Whenever Justin Bobby speaks "British"
• Whenever editing makes an awkward date look more awkward.
• Anytime you wonder what your life would would be like if Heidi never met Spencer.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

"You always miss a best friend"

Good thing tonight's half-hour of "The Hills" coincided with halftime of the Cowboys/Eagles game, or else I would have been mad I missed an exciting football game for a pretty pathetic episode.

As the promos promised, Holly spends some time with her sister's sworn enemy after Heidi and (of course) Spencer express some dissatisfaction with the whole situation. Lauren's skeptical about spending more time with Holly because she doesn't want to cause more problems like she did while hanging out with Spencer's sister.

Back in the Hills' house, things are suddenly rainbows and sunshine with Lauren, Lo and Audrina - I'm sure all that prior drama wasn't scripted at all. The girls head out to Audrina's work function, which -- um, Audrina works? I guess they needed to switch up the scenery a bit; splicing subtitles over dark nightclub scenes probably got a bit old for the production crew.

Justin Bobby bails. Audrina complains about how he doesn't show her he cares. This all is soooo last season. Moving on...

Heidi has lunch with her co-worker and we get a glipse of creative editing at its finest: While Heidi is reminiscing about her friendship with Lauren, LC is simultaneously admitting to Stephanie that she misses being with Heidi because, well, predictably, "You always miss a best friend."

Tonight's ep was a yawn-fest in my opinion, but it seems like stuff's gonna hit the fan next week when Lauren travels to Italy, leaving Stephanie the opportunity to move in on Doug. I guess when the Cheshire Cat's away, the former drug addicts will play.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you hear, "three musketeers" or "best friend."
  
• After every mention of an artist you've never heard of and their new music you don't care about.
• During any mention of nipple piercings.
  
• Whenever Holly is bland (pace yourself).
  
• Whenever you almost wish Spencer was in the episode more because these broads are putting you to sleep.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

So I've been a bit tardy on my 'Hills' updates. I didn't have a chance to write about last week's episode, but all I really missed was stupid Lauren broke up with Doug for like, no reason. And then MTV threw me for a loop this week by putting a new episode on Sunday before the VMAs, in an obvious and pathetic attempt to get people to watch the lackluster awards show. So here's a double shot for you...

In "Boys Make Girls Cry," the crew jetsets to Vegas for the night to celebrate Frankie's birthday. Stephanie's former drug problem (click for a terrible mugshot) comes to light and Brody calls her a 'complete psycho,' sending her to the girls' hotel room in tears. Lauren imparts her wisdom -- "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you" -- and then compassionately tells Stephanie to stop crying because it will ruin her blue eyeliner and she really doesn't have time to retouch it.

Things continue to be awkward between Lauren and Audrina. Apparently they're growing in different directions. Like, Lauren is an aspiring fashion designer who doesn't actually design any clothing and Audrina is an aspiring actress whose acting gig is a part in a reality television show. Yeah. Completely different directions.

In other news, Holly makes good on her sister's offer to move out to Hollywood and into her and Spencer's apartment. While shooting for a high score on his personal arcade game, Spencer complains to Heidi about having to live with another girl and having to see extra tampons in the house (I'm not making that up).

The best part of this episode: "What would you do if you were me and you wake up in the morning, do your average thing, walk out to go work out and your sister’s half-naked on the rowing machine erasing my TiVo rowing her little ass off?" The next time my grandma comes to stay, if she erases "Gossip Girl" on TiVo, she's out on her ass. Straight up.

The episode ends with a garbage cliffhanger: Doug and Brody are in jail. GASP! Except cut to Monday's episode, "Something Has to Change," and we find they were actually just filling out paperwork in a casino holding cell after some lune accosted them on the floor. And who knows if that's even true.

This entire episode is a long and uneventful buildup to Lauren and Audrina's 30-second 'what is happening to our friendship' conversation.

In the meantime, we've got Spencer telling Holly to move out and Holly disappearing for --ohmygod-- a few hours. Then there's JustinBobby giving Audrina advice on the roommate situation. You know, JustinBobby's eloquence as of late has been quite surprising. Perhaps he was on drugs the last two season and has finally cleaned up his act. Maybe he attended the same rehab center as Stephanie. Maybe it's just the haircut.

In the end, Audrina and Lauren have their long-awaited conversation and ultimately make amends, but not without LC throwing in a teary jab about having to awkwardly bob her head at Audrina's "weird" concerts. Poor Audrina; she must not have known when she was approached by producers to befriend these girls that listening to alternative music and having friends who are not blond would make her an outcast.

They hug and make up. Now that Audrina and Lauren have seemingly put their differences behind them, it looks like MTV has the stage set for a Lauren/Heidi reconciliation. I guess we'll find out next week.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time Frankie looks like he's gonna drunkenly make out with someone in Vegas.
  
• Whenever you should feel bad for Stephanie, but don't.
  
• Everytime you hear some version of, "We used to be such good friends..."
  
• During every a cry fest. Take a shot when you see black tears.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"

"Drama follows them"

In true MTV fashion, most of what was worth watching during Monday night's 'Hills' episode was already broadcast on previews for the show that ran throughout last week. But admittedly, that never stops me from tuning in...

Episode two focuses on Stephanie Pratt's birthday party -- Lauren is invited. Spencer and Heidi are invited, but pretend like they're not interested. Lo is going to tag along with Lauren, but Audrina might stop by. Doug is coming with Brody and Frankie.

Everyone attends and, much to my shock and surprise, awkward drama ensues!
Was anyone else completely confused by the Audrina/Lo interaction at the bar? Either Lo was bombed and giving Audrina googly eyes, or there was clearly something that happened off-camera. And after 30 seconds of switching close-ups of LC to Heidi to Spencer to Stephanie and back again, Spencer randomly barks, "Get those obnoxious girls out of here." Like, what? Kudos to Brody for peacing out of that drama cesspool.

The rest of the "good guys" follow suit, leaving Stephanie alone at her table with just "Speidi." Spencer maniacally laughs about the situation, probably because he feels empowered driving six people away from a VIP table and ruining his sister's birthday. Schmuck.

But the most gripping part of the episode (and that's dripping with sarcasm, I might add) is the conversation between Stephanie and Spencer in which we truly learn the depth of Spencer's wisdom. He tells his sister, "As long as you're running with that posse, you have nothing to do with my life. Straight up." But if that wasn't clear enough for her, he explains that attempting to get Spencer to get along with Lauren is like "trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along." I'm pretty sure he also used the term "un-brother" (in a noun form, nonetheless),

As promised, the next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you see an outfit made completely of sparkles.
• Every time you hear the word 'trust,' twice if it's from LC.
• Whenever you think that Kelly Cutrone is way too hideous to make people feel that awful about themselves.
  
• Every time there is foreshadowing of Stephanie going after Doug.
• Every time Doug is smoking hot.

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'

Back in 'The Hills'

Old news now, I know, but this week has been nuts.

For those of you who didn't tune into MTV's "The Hills" season premiere Monday, you weren't alone: Apparently ratings are down nearly 30 percent from the March premiere.

We step right back into the drama surrounding the girls' new house during Audrina's birthday party. The long and short of it? Audrina has friends that don't have Gucci sunglasses and blond hair and apparently they're abhorrent enough to send Lo to her room for an hour while the party was in full swing. The two have a moderately heated conversation in the poolhouse wherein Audrina tells Lo that they'll never be friends (whether that was audio spliced in while Audrina is off camera or not, who knows).

Lauren's got a new guy named Doug. He's hot. They go on a date and it's pretty obvious Lauren gets her conversation topics from her latest Cosmo magazine: Doug orders a beer -- "I think your drink says a lot about you...It says you're a guy's guy." Such stimulating conversation. I guess this lends some more credibility to Gavin's take on dating LC from last this year.
Spencer and Heidi are seemingly happy again and in pure scripted drama fashion, Heidi's sister unexpectedly arrives to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Spencer throws a temper tantrum and insults the breakfast Holly makes for him. As she's getting into her car for the airport, she tosses out the possibility of her moving out there aaaand perhaps she'll stay with them while she looks for a place, which pisses off the Gerber baby. Holly in Hollywood -- I smell another spinoff!

Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on the radio recently, "Speidi" said they think that Lauren is sick of doing the show (and apparently she's expressed that this could be the last season of it). But regardless of what LC decides, Spencer and Heidi say they're "just beginning" and would gladly continue doing the show. Spencer even 'selflessly' volunteered to takeover the voice over narration job.

I think the way I'll handle this season is by creating a Hills drinking game, like, every time XYZ happens, you take a drink. For this premiere episode:

• Every time Heidi hisses, "That's my sister," to Spencer.
• Every time you see a red mohawk.
• Whenever you think about how much you used to love Lo.
• Every time you wonder, "What does Spencer actually do all day?"

Going through 'Hills' withdrawal?

August is just about two hours away at this point, and my fellow reporter, Steph, brought up a good point this week...

"When does 'The Hills' come back?!?!?"

That's a good question. How are we less than three weeks away from the season four premiere and there's barely been a blip on the MTV radar?

Hype or no hype, the fourth season of the Hollywood pseudo-reality show is quickly approaching. Tune in Aug. 18 at 10 p.m. to catch all the drama from past seasons carry on and some brand-spanking-new (undoubtedly scripted) drama unfold.

And be on the lookout for the Pussycat Dolls' new song, "When I Grow Up," to be featured during the premiere.

Lauren, Audrina and Whitney all apparently have some new men in their lives. The "Will Audrina move out?" drama continues. Stephanie Pratt is strangely reminiscent of Jen Bunny ala season two. Brody goes to jail? The newly reunited "Speidi" has some more trouble in paradise when Heidi --for some reason-- invites her sister to move in with them...and I already know I'm going to have trouble telling Heidi's sister and Spencer's sister apart. Does everyone in Hollywood really need to be that blond?

Take a look for yourself. Below is the full season four trailer. Who's excited?!

Baby popularity contest

The Baby Center recently released a list of its top 100 names for both boys and girls based on statistics, and frankly, some of these names are freaking ridiculous.

What I find even more ridiculous, though, is the fact that people are naming their children after Britney Spears' kids and Grey's Anatomy! Addison?? Come on...


Here are the top 10 for both sexes:

Girls' names	Boys' names
1. Sophia	1. Aiden
2. Isabella	2. Ethan
3. Emma	3. Jacob
4. Madison	4. Jayden
5. Ava	5. Caden
6. Addison	6. Noah
7. Hailey	7. Jackson
8. Emily	8. Jack
9. Kaitlyn	9. Logan
10. Olivia	10. Matthew

I guess some of these names aren't so bad, but look through the list and feel free to scoff at some of these references. You've got Tristan, which to me, is a Gilmore Girls reference all the way, but maybe I'm wrong. Jayden--Jayden James Federline, and Preston is on there too, guhh. Brody--Brody Jenner?

The one that really makes me cringe though? Nevaeh - heaven backward. Give me a break. And I'm hoping these people didn't get that from "Crazy" (Heather) from Flavor of Love, because that's incredible sad (it's sad that I even get the reference to begin with, but anyway...)

And my name isn't on there? My name had been in the top 10 since 1980, and just suddenly dropped off the list this year. Wtf.

Maybe I'm just overreacting, but don't be surprised next year when this baby list comes out and Audrina, Cohutta and Dannielynn end up at the top.

'The Hills' in Paris, real? Je ne crois pas!

Sorry, 'Hills' haters. Just a little tid bit of news for those on Team Lauren who are salivating in anticipation for the next eight episodes of season three...

More tampering with reality going on in The Hills, according to The New York Post's Page Six. Before Lauren and Whitney went to Paris, apparently producers were “frantically calling publicists to see if anyone knew any guys to set the girls up with in Paris. If they had a love affair there, then it would look better,” a source told Page Six.

When we catch up with Lauren and Whitney in Paris, we'll see the girls being set up with a band called Rock & Roll - yes, the most creative band name known to man - and Lauren miiiight be hooking up with the band's guitar player, Matthias. Scandalous.

Sucks for Brody.

According to a bulletin Audrina posted on MySpace yesterday, the episodes will be airing in late February/early March, and I've seen on MTV.uk that the show is scheduled to return on Jan. 20.

And in response to recent reports that Lauren's bff had joined Team Heidi? As fake as the show itself (those obviously weren't her words, p.s.). Audrina says she's been spending time away from Lauren to be with her pregnant sister and if she runs into Heidi out in a club, they will acknowledge each other's presence but they are not friends.

UPDATED: Lauren and Whitney will more than likely not be with Teen Vogue during the fourth season, according to a spokeswoman. "The girls have moved on from Teen Vogue," she said, declining to say whether or not Teen Vogue will be part of the series next time.

Tons of television

Good news for those of you going through late-night television withdrawal lately: Leno, Conan, Jimmy Kimmel, Letterman and Craig Ferguson will all return to air tomorrow night.

But there is still a lot up in the air regarding primetime programming, and some people are worried that the reality TV monster is going to gobble up television as we know it. Sorry folks, but there's not a lot we can do about it, so let's celebrate some of the incredible--that's slightly sarcastic--television slotted to premiere in the next few weeks.

Biggest Loser Couples - NBC - Jan. 1: I've not been a follower of this show in the past, but I watched the premiere tonight and it was moderately entertaining [click here to read more about this season]. Interesting twist on the original. Something that might be left on in the background.

The Celebrity Apprentice - NBC - Jan. 3: I just got into The Apprentice last season, and I'm excited for more Trump time, but this list of celebrities is filled with scrubs. But I'm excited for the shameless product placement to come.

American Gladiators - NBC - Jan. 6: This is going to be incredible. That's all I have to say.

Rock of Love II - VH1 - Jan. 13: I'm a sucker for Bret Michaels and the first season of this show was entirely too addictive. It don't mean nothing but a good time, so please, tune in.

The Gauntlet III - MTV - Jan. 23: It's been way too long since MTV has put out a Real World/Road Rules challenge, so I'm stoked for the new Gauntlet. The cast will again be split into Rookies v. Vets and the characters look like they will not disappoint. Coral is back, baby!!

Let's also look forward to Flavor of Love III (Feb. 11), the continuation of The Hills' season three, Top Chef Chicago, and I guess we can look forward to American Idol's whatever number season it is, beginning Jan. 16. And in a non-reality television sense, we've got Entourage coming in sometime this year and grr, a postponed due to the writer's strike season of 24.

That's a lot of TV.
P.S. I do have a life, seriously.

'Hills' stars spill some gossip

A few little tidbits of The Hills news, because Lord knows fans are in agony during this mid-season break and are dying to get their fix of Hills heroin.

• Heidi told Us Weekly (on stands today) that she and Spencer are no longer engaged, but still in a relationship. And for keen eyes who noticed Heidi was not wearing her ring during The Hills finale show last week: "I turned it into a pendant," she says. "It wasn't my dream ring. I don't like what it represents. I might sell it." Ouch.

• Following up on a previous issue, Lauren still insists that the events of The Hills are real, but she recently admitted that MTV sets up the scenes: "Basically what they're doing is taking our lives and telling a story. I mean, it's not lying to anyone, it's telling what really happened, but it's just the way they film reality shows." Lauren said that the nail-polish incident was a result of something that happened when cameras stopped rolling, and MTV need to set the scene and film it to properly tell the story. Gee, no wonder it seems so disingenuous. [click here to read the entire interview]
  

• Rumor has it that the original antagonist to LC's perfect world, Kristin Cavallari may be returning to reality television...on The Hills!--gasp. E! reports that sources close to the show's producers are considering reuniting the two Laguna ladies, and are we surprised that Lauren is less than thrilled?

Humdrum Hills "finale"

WARNING: SPOILERS

Dry your mascara-laden eyes, Hills fans. Despite the "finale" episode last night, the season is not over!

Yes, if you missed last night's special aftershow you missed nothing but MTV compensating for the writer's strike and extending its most popular reality show's third season, beginning "in the first quarter" of 2008.

Lauren announced that viewers would "get to see our whole trip to Paris, and everything that follows afterwards." But based on last night's "last hurrah," I'm thinking these episodes are gonna be a snoozefest. Let's recap:

Heidi and Spencer went their separate ways, but we're not actually sure if they broke up...?

Whitney is asked to again join the skeleton-like Lisa Love in Paris and Lauren is sad. Whitney accidentally asks Lauren what Paris is like this time of year (duhhh) and Lauren is sad again. Then, to the shock of viewers across the nation (note sarcasm, please), Lauren is invited on the trip and she shares her Cheshire-cat like smile with us all.

But wait! What about Brody? Will Lauren again be forced to choose between some pretty boy who is likely banging every other blond girl in LA and the je ne sais qua of Pari?

Actually, it doesn't matter, because she's going for like, four days and she and Brody aren't even dating. YAWN.

There was a lot of self-recollection time while the cast drove in their fancy schmancy cars and half of them got on airplanes. My favorite part was of it all was Audrina, sitting alone in the apartment doing nothing while everyone else is going through some life-changing experience.

Overall, this finale was super lame and the only thing more pathetic than it was the slopfest that followed on the aftershow. I don't think MTV could have picked two more annoying and incompetent hosts. They got no information out of the show's "stars" and they were practically drooling all over the place.

I know this is a paltry recap effort, but please, let me direct you to a fantastic analysis of last night's episode. It's so wonderful, I must give it props.

Thrills in The Hills? I should write for this show...

Now I don't usually do a weekly update of The Hills (mostly because I usually catch a rerun over the weekend), but tonight's episode left me with a lot of interrogative thoughts:

• Why does Spencer want to marry a girl who kind of looks like his sister (Stephanie, right)? Then again, he and his sister looks creepily similar...are Heidi (left) and Specer related? Ooh--that could make a nice scripted twist for next season!

• Why are Heidi and Spencer 21-going on-35? "Don't you dare lea--if you leave, don't come back! SPENCER!" Please...You guys are young and (somewhat) attractive living in Los Angeles! You should be chugging Grey Goose and waking up with some strangers' overly priced designer clothes on!

• Did Brody get some extremely bad haircut just prior to the filming of this episode? Not only did we see him more in this episode than any other this season (now that Lauren decides to fall for him), but his backward black cap was doing nothing but making his head look ungodly square...but I guess that's fitting for his character, eh?

• And finally...now that next week's episode is the season finale, is The Hills production team praying for the end of the writers strike? I mean...how will they create such a horrendous, but terribly addicting script if the strike doesn't end? At least we have a nice rehashing of footage this Sunday during Lauren Looks Back: a 2-hour movie event.