"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Speidi and the Patron make it happen

As much as I feel the last episode of "The Hills" deserves a Jerc Store-style recap (and perhaps it will get one, if my job ever stops consuming my life), I just have to ask the question now: Was anyone else super confused by the Speidi wedding in the Mexico this week?

I consulted with fellow Hills-buff, Stef, on this and she confirmed that it wasn't just me being as vapid as most of the girls on the show - the continuity of the episode really didn't make sense.

In real life --that is, the life that you and I lead-- news of Heidi and Spencer eloping in Mexico broke Nov. 24, just three weeks before this episode aired. Meanwhile (in Hillsland), Lauren and the crew are saying goodbye to Whitney, who is about to leave for a new life in New York City. But, we've been seeing promos for Whitney's new show, "The City," for at least three weeks now and the show premieres in two. How is that they'd already shot, cut, edited and shipped all the footage for Whitney's new show essentially before she's left?

Did that explanation make sense to anyone? No? Okay, try this one out then...

Heidi and Spencer go to Mexico. One night they're drinking--heavily. Now, it's nighttime when Spencer seemingly forces shots of Patron down Heidi's throat and convinces her to marry him right then and there. (Of course, being the gentleman he is, Spencer pushes, pushes, pushes and then sticks his lip out and says, "You're sure?" Please.) The next time we see the couple --now newlyweds-- is during a morning in their hotel room as Heidi talks about being hungover last night from all the Patron. But yet, they whip out a camcorder to show footage of their wedding, shot in daylight.

If they were taking the shots at night and decided on a whim to get married at night, how was the wedding that they're seemingly discussing "the morning after" shot in daylight?

Could this mean that The Hills is --OMG-- fake? Did they do something like this to --GASP-- improve ratings?

[UPDATE] And hey, previews for next week's season finale show Heidi and Spencer making their elopement legal in a courtroom, but apparently that was filmed after hours and is likely not real either. Haaaaaa.

Thanks, Geoff and Stef!

Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding...

Okay, so I'm backtracking on the Heidi-Spencer wedding, as is the rest of the free media world--or at least those who had nothing better to write about than the faux-reality show stars' apparently faux wedding in Mexico last week. (Yeah, and that includes you, Associated Press. You're not so much better than the rest of us. Pfft.)

It appears as though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's elopement was not actually a legally binding union, as previously reported.

"We had a beautiful ceremony here ... officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We've never been happier. And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we'll take care of the legal details when we get home," the couple said in a statement.

Us Weekly, which features the two on its cover this week, reported that Speidi decided to get married while drinking margaritas on the beach. An hour later, they were exchanging vows, the magazine said. Gee, that sounds super well-thought out!

Apparently, it was thought out enough for MTV to get in on the action: "Fans will be able to see the exclusive footage from the ceremony in an upcoming episode, and we will continue to follow the newlyweds' relationship as it plays out in real life," said Executive Producer of "The Hills," Liz Gately.

It's not clear right now whether the footage of the ceremony will be a reenactment of the ceremony or footage obtained from another source. But I'm so totally sure it will be as totally real as the rest of the show.

It's a 'Speidi' wedding!

Well, they did it. 'Hills' stars Heidi and Spencer have reportedly tied the knot, with fewer family members than photogs in attendance. Gee, that's not like Speidi at all...

Us Weekly has confirmed the union, and will feature a full spread on the private ceremony in its upcoming issue, on stands Wednesday.

Here's a taste:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue. See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

See more amazing celebrity wedding photos.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

"I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,'" Montag tells Us.

"She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that," she adds. "I don't know when I'll tell her." Um? I guess now?

Pratt and Montag have had a tumultuous relationship.

In 2007, Pratt popped the question (after just eight months of dating) with a diamond-encrusted platinum band set with a purple stone that he'd purchased from the mall.

See how much stars paid for their engagement rings.

But after bickering over Pratt hitting on women in a club, the pair took a "relationship vacation" just a few months later.

"I'd just turned 21, and it was scary because I was so young," Montag told Us following the split.

(What happened to the bling? "I turned it into a pendant," Montag told Us in December. "It wasn't my dream ring. I don't like what it represents. I might sell it.")

The pair gave it another go in May 2008, after a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico where "Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife,'" Pratt explained.

By the end, he'd convinced her to plan their wedding again.

"I'm ready to marry Spencer," Montag told Us that month. "He's my soulmate."

To church in a hank-Baskett

Okay, that was a bad pun attempt. Sorry.

I probably wouldn't be writing about some playmate and a football player, but Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson has become quite the local celebrity in my town lately now that she's been dating Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett. Apparently the two really enjoy hitting up the Redstone in my town.

The 23-year-old Wilkinson and the 26-year-old Baskett are now officially engaged, sources say. Not only am I happy for them, but this gives me a chance to post my pictures of Hank buying my friends and me shots last summer at McFadden's in Philly. My friends think it's funny that one of our female friends (who shall remain nameless) was repeatedly hit on by Hank that night, but she turned him down; they then deduced that that would make her more unattainable than a Playboy Playmate. Good for her!

Baskett reportedly proposed to Kendra --on one knee-- at the Space Needle in Seattle last weekend. The Eagles were away playing the Seahawks Sunday. Both families were on hand for the proposal.

Hugh Hefner, who was recently ditched by all three of his Girls Next Door, released a statement Saturday, saying that Kendra had found "someone she would like to spend the rest of her life with." He said that he would give her away in a special wedding ceremony at the Mansion in June.

Hef's other former-gf, Holly Madison, has been dating “Mindfreak” illusionist Criss Angel, but I don't think the 82-year-old minds too much: He's "dating" a pair of 19-year-old twins, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Good for him!

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds marry

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds married today in Canada, sources say.

Us Weekly reported on its Web site Sunday that the small wedding took place at a resort outside Vancouver, British Columbia. Guests included Scarlett's mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson, the magazine said.

Johansson, on whom I have a huge girl-crush, and Reynolds began dating last year and announced their engagement in May. This is the first marriage for both celebs.

Reynolds had been in a four-year relationship with singer Alanis Morrissette, who has reportedly wished her ex well. Johansson has previously been linked to Derek Jeter, Benicio del Toro, Jared Leto, Justin Timberlake and "Black Dhalia" co-star Josh Hartnett. Daaaamn, what a list. But Ryan Reynolds is hot, too, so kudos to them. Can't wait for the beautiful babies!

Have we been Punk'd?

Oscar award winner Jennifer Hudson is engaged...to Tiffany "New York" Pollard's leftovers!

Hudson's boyfriend of less than a year, David "Punk" Otunga, popped the question with Neil Lane diamond ring Friday in Los Angeles.

The proposal came on the Dreamgirl's 27th birthday.

Punk was a contestant on the second season of VH1's "I Love New York." He lasted 10 episodes, getting booted by New York before only "Buddha" and the season's winner, "Tailor Made."

In Hudson's defense, David --a Harvard grad and lawyer-- was definitely the most eligible bachelor of the bunch. Sadly, it seems as though Punk has fallen into the ex-reality star routine, as evidenced by his lame song, "Rock Out With Punk," on his MySpace page. I thought he was better than that, but hey, at least now he can ride the coattails of a woman with talent.

Making a good impression for the rest of us

Watch this reporter completely ruin one of the biggest moments in this couple's relationship. God, I love this profession.