Pageants and healthcare are about integrity, okay?

 With all the drama drama surrounding the Miss USA pageant last week, I feel the need to bring the attention off the question of gay marriage that [in my opinion] Miss California so totally flubbed and focus it on Miss Arizona's awesomely terrible "stance" on health care in America.

"SNL"/"All That"/"Keenan and Kel"/"Mighty Ducks" star Keenan Thompson (dressed to the nines in a hoodie) asks the pageant contestant, Alicia-Monique Blanco, if the United States should have universal health care as a right of citizenship. 

Taking a page right out of Miss South Carolina 2008's book ("Everywhere, like such as, the Iraq..."), Blanco declares the issue a matter of integrity... several times... and leaves us all scratching our heads.

Really? Did these girls not come prepared to answer questions like these? We just had a presidential election with bountiful coverage of every important issue plaguing our country --you had the "study guide" five months before the test, you witless loser.

Go fish

I love offbeat news stories as much as the best person, but I love 'em even more when they hit closer to home:

In what really shouldn't have been an entertaining story, employees at a Philadelphia pet store were shocked this weekend when they opened what they believed to be a shipment of exotic fish and instead found a cadaver.

Jon Kenoyer, of California, died unexpectedly last week and had requested his body be donated to Alzheimer's research in Allentown, Pa. His body, flown across country by US Airways, somehow got mixed up with a shipment bound for Pets Plus USA.

When the package arrived at the store, the owner knew immediately that something was amiss. The package was not opened.

If you take a second to think about it, this story is horrible, but the one shred of lightheartedness was the wife's statement that her late husband was a practical joker and she considers this his one last prank.

Important to note that this should not dissuade people from donating their bodies to research, she added.

"You'll shoot your eye out!"

Just think: 25 years ago that phrase was nothing more than a line in some movie about a little blond kid and his BB gun, a movie that debuted around Thanksgiving and was pulled from theaters before Christmas even came around.

But now, "You'll shoot your eye out, " sexy leg lamps and the phonetical pronunciation of "fragile" (fraaah-jeeel-aaay,--must be Italian) are Christmas staples, especially thanks to TBS and TNT's 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" -- a tradition that began in 1997.

Love it or hate, the movie has become a holiday tradition: Last year, the movie marathon brought in 4.4 million viewers - about 1/6 of the American population. Pretty ridic.

What's also ridiculous is the fact that a San Diego man has recreated the Parker house after winning an eBay auction, and it's become a major tourist attraction in Cleveland. Read all about it here. Roadtrip anyone?

And if you have any interest in reading the original movie review for "A Christmas Story," click here.

So, enjoy your holiday and sing "fra-ra-ra-ra" as you enjoy 24 hours of Christmas classic -- I triple dog dare you.

"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Proposition 8 passing

NOTE: This is a special-guest feature from my coworker (and fellow blogger), Geoff, regarding the recent passing of Proposition 8. Check out his blog and visit often!

I've been asked to write this post about Proposition 8 passing in California not only because I have a super-awesome blog about facing anti-gay prejudice, but also, I suspect, because I seem to have picked up the "gay beat" at the office.

For those not in the know, Proposition 8 was a referendum passed this November in California by a margin of 52-48. It actively removes gay couples' previously legal right to marry under the state constitution, defeating a recent state Supreme Court decision saying that very constitution afforded us those rights.

The way in which it was done has brought about a lawsuit, something I plan to post about on my blog in the future. The proposition's passage was a surprise for many because early polls showed the "no" votes winning by a decent margin. A last-minute cash infusion from certain right-wing causes, notably the Church of Latter-Day Saints, helped the "yes" side air a great number of misleading ads and apparently pushed them to victory.

Although it passed along with similar referendums in Florida and Arizona (where it had previously failed), and an initiative in Arkansas (where gay marriage is already illegal) banning unmarried couples from adopting, Prop 8 is particularly unsettling for several reasons, mostly because it actively took rights away, using a document that's supposed to grant them. That sets a dangerous precedent that should scare us all.

Protesters across the nation demonstrated their displeasure with the passage of California's Proposition 8 on Saturday, and with any luck, gave the gay-rights movement some much-needed momentum. I know a number of people who were involved in the various demonstrations, and I've heard they were moving, massive, and momentous.

My friend Dima Otvertchenko called Saturday "a day to remember." He also took some great pictures of the rally in Los Angeles, and they make me feel all warm, fuzzy and empowered inside. Check 'em out:

You can see more of them here.

My friend Nori, above left, told me she wore her rainbow Batman shirt specifically for the march. "Though I suspect the 'Straight Against H8' sign Dima and I had broke a few hearts," she noted sagely. (Soon you'll be able to see her thoughts on marching over at her own blog.)

Sara Perle, a friend of mine who's a law student in New York City, says The New York Times underestimated the protest there with its guess of 4,000 people. She told me that a friend of hers who volunteered had a somewhat better view than she did and thought there were about 20,000 people there.

"I could only see a very small part of it because it was so packed I couldn't get around the corner!" Sara said. "They had traffic basically down to one lane on Broadway and people totally packed on either side of the street."

She also suggested you look up estimates of the turnout at the protest nearest you.

Another friend of mine posted a note on Facebook describing the rally in Santa Barbara, Calif. which he said featured speakers from all walks of life talking about why this is something we need to protest.

It all sounds very moving, and I'm sorry to have missed it, but it was my boyfriend's birthday this weekend, and he had to work on protest day. While I work a normal week, his days off are Thursday and Friday, and though he managed to get Sunday (his actual b-day) off, he had no such luck with that day in-between. I live in central New Jersey while he lives 2.5 hours north, outside of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., so seeing each other takes a bit of planning.

That means that while everyone was protesting, I was up in Fishkill, N.Y. doing laundry, grabbing a last-minute card and one final gift, and then going out to dinner.

I rationalized missing everything by deciding that celebrating him would be my own form of protest. While I didn't get them to do the birthday "gong parade" to our intimate table for two at O'Sho in Poughkeepsie, I did give him a pile of presents the next morning, making him a very happy 25-year-old.

So to all of you who protested, please accept my sincere thanks! And to you who voted for Prop 8, I say this:

Too bad! I still love him, and that's not something you can change with a poorly reasoned law.

I remain firmly convinced that history will be on our side, and that in our lifetime we'll be able to get a real, 100% legal and federally approved marriage. But I'm not about to sit around waiting for someone else to make it happen!

RELATED LINKS
Gay in Public

I'm singing M-to the-C-to the M-to the A...

After years of sidekicking the "Tonight Show," making children's dreams come true on "Star Search" and delivering those big ass Publisher's Clearing House checks to small towners, Ed McMahon now plans to spread the love as a rapper for FreecCreditReport.com.

Think of it as his own personl bailout plan...

McMahon, who recently revealed he was fighting foreclosure after falling $644,000 behind on mortgage payments on his Beverly Hills home, will be featured wearing a tracksuit, being chauffeured around LA in a Cadillac Escalade golf cart and spitting lyrics about his very public financial troubles.

"When I retired, I was famous/I had money and glory/ I bought a house for 6 mill/I thought nothing could touch me/ Until my credit went south, and debt started to crunch me/ Next thing I know, instead of playing gin rummy, I was scrambling just to make ends meet/It wasn't funny," so the rap goes.

The spots will appear in two viral videos, set to be released online in October.

Charles Harris, FreeCreditReport.com's vice president of strategic marketing, said the company sought out McMahon to star in the humorous spots after seeing him openly discuss his finances on "Larry King Live." Harris said McMahon represents "a man who is taking charge."

I think it's brilliant. Does anyone remember when FreeCreditReport.com's old commercials just had a lady singing "Freeee credit report dot com!" and that was it? Probably not because they were lame. Women are crooning over the indie boys in the new commercials and people everywhere can't get the songs out of their heads. I'm sure these new ones will be no exception. The Web site even has the "As seen on TV" logo on its mainpage. Talk about hamming it up.

This one is my fav.

Back in 'The Hills'

Old news now, I know, but this week has been nuts.

For those of you who didn't tune into MTV's "The Hills" season premiere Monday, you weren't alone: Apparently ratings are down nearly 30 percent from the March premiere.

We step right back into the drama surrounding the girls' new house during Audrina's birthday party. The long and short of it? Audrina has friends that don't have Gucci sunglasses and blond hair and apparently they're abhorrent enough to send Lo to her room for an hour while the party was in full swing. The two have a moderately heated conversation in the poolhouse wherein Audrina tells Lo that they'll never be friends (whether that was audio spliced in while Audrina is off camera or not, who knows).

Lauren's got a new guy named Doug. He's hot. They go on a date and it's pretty obvious Lauren gets her conversation topics from her latest Cosmo magazine: Doug orders a beer -- "I think your drink says a lot about you...It says you're a guy's guy." Such stimulating conversation. I guess this lends some more credibility to Gavin's take on dating LC from last this year.
Spencer and Heidi are seemingly happy again and in pure scripted drama fashion, Heidi's sister unexpectedly arrives to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Spencer throws a temper tantrum and insults the breakfast Holly makes for him. As she's getting into her car for the airport, she tosses out the possibility of her moving out there aaaand perhaps she'll stay with them while she looks for a place, which pisses off the Gerber baby. Holly in Hollywood -- I smell another spinoff!

Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on the radio recently, "Speidi" said they think that Lauren is sick of doing the show (and apparently she's expressed that this could be the last season of it). But regardless of what LC decides, Spencer and Heidi say they're "just beginning" and would gladly continue doing the show. Spencer even 'selflessly' volunteered to takeover the voice over narration job.

I think the way I'll handle this season is by creating a Hills drinking game, like, every time XYZ happens, you take a drink. For this premiere episode:

• Every time Heidi hisses, "That's my sister," to Spencer.
• Every time you see a red mohawk.
• Whenever you think about how much you used to love Lo.
• Every time you wonder, "What does Spencer actually do all day?"

9021Oh noo.....

Thanks to a quick commercial in the middle of tonight's season finale of "Gossip Girl" (and a heads up from my friend, Jackie), I have learned of the CW's intention to make a 90210 spinoff.

When I first heard about the reinvention of one of my favorite teenage dramas, I was like totally stoked, but after learning of the show's intended plotline, it is not looking so good in the upscale neighborhood.

This spinoff, which is set to premiere in the fall, is based around the Mills family (reminiscent of The Walshes), who have moved from St. Louis to Beverly Hills and are adjusting to the scenery.

According to E! News, there's Harry Mills (aka the Jim Walsh of the series)and his wife Celia (aka Cindy Walsh) and the couple's biological daughter, Annie--who much like Brenda Walsh--is into acting and alternative music and longs to fit into the cool crowd at school.

But in order to differentiate from the original series, the Mills don't have twins--they instead have Dixon, an adopted son who's the same age as Annie and was taken in by her family six years earlier. And apparently the show is looking to cast a minority actor in the role in order to more accurately depict California than its predecessor's completely whitebread cast.

And while there are Andrea Zuckerman and David and Donna-like characters, none of the original cast will be featured in the show. E! reports, however, that both Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering have said that they would participate if asked.

This...yeah. Not so good. I doubt CW will strike gold as they have with "Gossip Girl" (which is seriously one of the best shows on television these days), but I will probably end up checking this out...if nothing else, but to see what The Peach Pit looks like and if Nat is still alive.

For a taste of retro 90210, watch the show's intro below. Gotta love those good times on the beach.

Baby mama drama

Updating a previous item:

The father of Jamie Lynn Spear's baby, boyfriend Casey Aldridge, 19, could face up to 10 years in prison for statutory rape after getting the 16-year-old Nickelodeon star pregnant.

If the baby was conceived in Spears' home state of Louisiana, the act could technically be considered "felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile. There, a person can only legally consent to sex at age 17. If aged 15 or 16, the other person involved must be no more than two years older for the act to be considered legal.

If the baby was conceived in California, where Spears shoots Zoey 101, he could face up to three years in prison: Any person who engages in sexual intercourse with a minor under 18 who is not more than three years younger than the perpetrator, is guilty of a misdemeanour and faces up to one year in a county jail. If Casey boy is more than three years older than Spears, he could face felony charges, which carry up to three years in prison.” ...Poor guy.