Luck o' the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day
from The Jerc Store!

It kinda stinks that St. Patty's Day is on a weekday this year, but that doesn't seem to stop millions from celebrating the notoriously drunken holiday. I will not be partaking, but Godspeed to those of you who do.

Little fun fact for you: The most leaves found on a clover is 18, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Think about how lucky that would be!

And for all you true Irish out there (1/2 of myself included), here's St. Patrick's tale:

Good St. Patrick traveled far, to teach God's Holy Word
And when he came to Erin's sod, a wondrous thing occured
He plucked a shamrock from the earth and held it in His hand
To symbolize the Trinity that all might understand
The first leaf for the Father
And the second for the Son
The third leaf for the Holy Spirit
All three of them in one.

I nose this ain't a good way to die...

Yeah, it's been almost a week since my last update - work is killing me, but hopefully things will calm down soon. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I 'picked' a nugget of story to come back with...

Apparently no one taught Ian Bothwell that picking your nose isn't a good habit to get into. The 63-year-old Manchester man reportedly died 'digging for gold' in his shnoz.

According to a coroner's report, Bothel -who suffered from dementia and alcoholism- died from a nosebleed caused by constant picking. Authorities initially believed the man had fallen and hit his head, but later found his nasal cavity was filled with blood as a result of epistaxis (aka nosebleed).

"There is no explanation for this death other than he died from a nose-bleed, consistent with picking his nose. I do not think for a moment he knew what he was doing was going to cause his death."- Manchester coroner Nigel Meadows

I'm writing this one down to threaten my kids with some day. "Hey, little Jimmy - quit picking you're nose or you'll end up dead in a pool of your own nose blood like Ian Bothwell."

Drinking makes you dumb!

Alright, that's not completely true...but a new study has found that drinking alcohol--even in moderate amounts--can shrink your brain.

I know a few people who are in trouble...

Is this significant? Judge for yourself: Does drinking alcohol shrink your brain?

"If she never met Spencer..."

So I've been slacking on my Hills updates lately--I've been a bit uninspired. Let's see if we can get back on track this week...

This week's episode was completely sans Stephanie - already an upgrade. (In case you missed last week's episode, Stephanie and Doug had been "dating," he called her a lost puppy to hide his shame for macking it with her, Lauren coldly consoled her. It was thrilling.)

There was much more Audrina in this episode, mostly following her on awkward dates. How terrible do you feel for these guys whose first date with a hot girl is put on display for all of America to see? Anyway, Audrina goes out with Colin twice, but she repeatedly brings up Justin Bobby. Good first date etiquette. Poor Colin tries his hardest to point out every discernable difference between him and JB --including their drunk personas (charming)-- but Audrina just can't get over that mumbling, inconsiderate, combat-boot-wearing Justin.

On to more important matters... Heidi and Holly discuss the Lauren situation ad nauseum: "You don't think I want to be catching up with her, seeing how her life has been over the last two years?" Heidi says to her sister -- Hmm, I'm pretty sure that Heidi could turn on MTV at any given moment and be able to catch herself up on the life of LC. (Or she could read this blog.)

Cut to commercial - Did anyone catch the Sonic ad that (I think) was meant to replicate The Hills, like, kind of? You might not have - It was a quick 30-second spot, but I found it really hard to concentrate on anything after they said 'banana pudding shake.' Too much salivating.

During weekly chat with Whitney, Lauren presents letter from Heidi, which Whit proceeds to read out loud. And the content - Can we say laaaame? The letter sounded like it was written by a polite kindergartner. She even signed it "Heidi Montag," like Lauren wouldn't have known who it was from without the surname, or even based on inane content alone. LC also aptly points out that even though Heidi apologizes in the letter, she still cannot blame Spencer for what happened.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Holly are chatting about the letter when -DUNDUNDUN- Spencer menacingly enters stage left and a hush falls over the room. He and Holly get into a sass-fight: Holly says Lauren "straight up" won't be friends with Heidi if Spencer is in the picture, but Spencer shushes Holly and smuggly takes credit for the discord between the friends.

Next week we've got Spencer threatening to move out if Holly isn't gone and Audrina taking her top off. Scaaandalous.

Here's another round of my Hills drinking game!

• Everytime Lo creepily stares at Holly, making comparisons to Heidi.
• Whenever Justin Bobby speaks "British"
• Whenever editing makes an awkward date look more awkward.
• Anytime you wonder what your life would would be like if Heidi never met Spencer.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Guess he's not 'shooting blanks'...?

A Florida man reportedly shot himself in the arm after his girlfriend shot down having sex with him.

Police said Jonathon Guabello, 29, and his live-in girlfriend of five months, Ryan Mackinnon, came home from a bar around midnight Wednesday, and when Guabello started to get frisky, Mackinnon said she just wanted to go to sleep.

The 24-year-old girlfriend went into the spare bedroom, but several minutes later heard two gunshots. Guabello --who was under the influence of alcohol and Xanax-- came into the room with the gun and told her if she called for help or tried to put him in rehab, he'd kill her. He then stumbled into the kitchen, walked into the oven and knocked himself unconscious.

After being treated for the gunshot wounds at a local hospital, Guabello was charged with threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling. He was being held on $100,000 bail.

So, men, what lesson did we learn today? When you're drunk, randy and wielding a gun, your girlfriend probably won't want to have sex with you.

Oops-skee

Follow me on my train of thought here:

I was looking at pictures from a weekend bar outing my friends and I went on this weekend, and I started thinking about what we used to do for social gatherings before we were old enough to drink: go to the mall, the movies, Friendly's (ew)--hey, whatever happened to going to Chuck-E-Cheese?

The pizza that always looked better on TV than it did in front of you, the person who had to dress up as the rat mascot (I knew someone who had to do that when she worked there in college) and--of course--playing Skee Ball. That game was the shit, right?

I remember one time I got my fingers slammed by a ball that was returning down that slot, but I think that's as far as my Skee Ball injuries extend; the little boy in this video, however, isn't so lucky, and unfortunately for him, he's not getting too much sympathy from the man taking the video.



And either that girl had it in for that cute little kid or she just really sucks at Skee Ball and can't keep it in her lane.

"You always miss a best friend"

Good thing tonight's half-hour of "The Hills" coincided with halftime of the Cowboys/Eagles game, or else I would have been mad I missed an exciting football game for a pretty pathetic episode.

As the promos promised, Holly spends some time with her sister's sworn enemy after Heidi and (of course) Spencer express some dissatisfaction with the whole situation. Lauren's skeptical about spending more time with Holly because she doesn't want to cause more problems like she did while hanging out with Spencer's sister.

Back in the Hills' house, things are suddenly rainbows and sunshine with Lauren, Lo and Audrina - I'm sure all that prior drama wasn't scripted at all. The girls head out to Audrina's work function, which -- um, Audrina works? I guess they needed to switch up the scenery a bit; splicing subtitles over dark nightclub scenes probably got a bit old for the production crew.

Justin Bobby bails. Audrina complains about how he doesn't show her he cares. This all is soooo last season. Moving on...

Heidi has lunch with her co-worker and we get a glipse of creative editing at its finest: While Heidi is reminiscing about her friendship with Lauren, LC is simultaneously admitting to Stephanie that she misses being with Heidi because, well, predictably, "You always miss a best friend."

Tonight's ep was a yawn-fest in my opinion, but it seems like stuff's gonna hit the fan next week when Lauren travels to Italy, leaving Stephanie the opportunity to move in on Doug. I guess when the Cheshire Cat's away, the former drug addicts will play.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you hear, "three musketeers" or "best friend."
  
• After every mention of an artist you've never heard of and their new music you don't care about.
• During any mention of nipple piercings.
  
• Whenever Holly is bland (pace yourself).
  
• Whenever you almost wish Spencer was in the episode more because these broads are putting you to sleep.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

So I've been a bit tardy on my 'Hills' updates. I didn't have a chance to write about last week's episode, but all I really missed was stupid Lauren broke up with Doug for like, no reason. And then MTV threw me for a loop this week by putting a new episode on Sunday before the VMAs, in an obvious and pathetic attempt to get people to watch the lackluster awards show. So here's a double shot for you...

In "Boys Make Girls Cry," the crew jetsets to Vegas for the night to celebrate Frankie's birthday. Stephanie's former drug problem (click for a terrible mugshot) comes to light and Brody calls her a 'complete psycho,' sending her to the girls' hotel room in tears. Lauren imparts her wisdom -- "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you" -- and then compassionately tells Stephanie to stop crying because it will ruin her blue eyeliner and she really doesn't have time to retouch it.

Things continue to be awkward between Lauren and Audrina. Apparently they're growing in different directions. Like, Lauren is an aspiring fashion designer who doesn't actually design any clothing and Audrina is an aspiring actress whose acting gig is a part in a reality television show. Yeah. Completely different directions.

In other news, Holly makes good on her sister's offer to move out to Hollywood and into her and Spencer's apartment. While shooting for a high score on his personal arcade game, Spencer complains to Heidi about having to live with another girl and having to see extra tampons in the house (I'm not making that up).

The best part of this episode: "What would you do if you were me and you wake up in the morning, do your average thing, walk out to go work out and your sister’s half-naked on the rowing machine erasing my TiVo rowing her little ass off?" The next time my grandma comes to stay, if she erases "Gossip Girl" on TiVo, she's out on her ass. Straight up.

The episode ends with a garbage cliffhanger: Doug and Brody are in jail. GASP! Except cut to Monday's episode, "Something Has to Change," and we find they were actually just filling out paperwork in a casino holding cell after some lune accosted them on the floor. And who knows if that's even true.

This entire episode is a long and uneventful buildup to Lauren and Audrina's 30-second 'what is happening to our friendship' conversation.

In the meantime, we've got Spencer telling Holly to move out and Holly disappearing for --ohmygod-- a few hours. Then there's JustinBobby giving Audrina advice on the roommate situation. You know, JustinBobby's eloquence as of late has been quite surprising. Perhaps he was on drugs the last two season and has finally cleaned up his act. Maybe he attended the same rehab center as Stephanie. Maybe it's just the haircut.

In the end, Audrina and Lauren have their long-awaited conversation and ultimately make amends, but not without LC throwing in a teary jab about having to awkwardly bob her head at Audrina's "weird" concerts. Poor Audrina; she must not have known when she was approached by producers to befriend these girls that listening to alternative music and having friends who are not blond would make her an outcast.

They hug and make up. Now that Audrina and Lauren have seemingly put their differences behind them, it looks like MTV has the stage set for a Lauren/Heidi reconciliation. I guess we'll find out next week.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time Frankie looks like he's gonna drunkenly make out with someone in Vegas.
  
• Whenever you should feel bad for Stephanie, but don't.
  
• Everytime you hear some version of, "We used to be such good friends..."
  
• During every a cry fest. Take a shot when you see black tears.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"

"Drama follows them"

In true MTV fashion, most of what was worth watching during Monday night's 'Hills' episode was already broadcast on previews for the show that ran throughout last week. But admittedly, that never stops me from tuning in...

Episode two focuses on Stephanie Pratt's birthday party -- Lauren is invited. Spencer and Heidi are invited, but pretend like they're not interested. Lo is going to tag along with Lauren, but Audrina might stop by. Doug is coming with Brody and Frankie.

Everyone attends and, much to my shock and surprise, awkward drama ensues!
Was anyone else completely confused by the Audrina/Lo interaction at the bar? Either Lo was bombed and giving Audrina googly eyes, or there was clearly something that happened off-camera. And after 30 seconds of switching close-ups of LC to Heidi to Spencer to Stephanie and back again, Spencer randomly barks, "Get those obnoxious girls out of here." Like, what? Kudos to Brody for peacing out of that drama cesspool.

The rest of the "good guys" follow suit, leaving Stephanie alone at her table with just "Speidi." Spencer maniacally laughs about the situation, probably because he feels empowered driving six people away from a VIP table and ruining his sister's birthday. Schmuck.

But the most gripping part of the episode (and that's dripping with sarcasm, I might add) is the conversation between Stephanie and Spencer in which we truly learn the depth of Spencer's wisdom. He tells his sister, "As long as you're running with that posse, you have nothing to do with my life. Straight up." But if that wasn't clear enough for her, he explains that attempting to get Spencer to get along with Lauren is like "trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along." I'm pretty sure he also used the term "un-brother" (in a noun form, nonetheless),

As promised, the next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you see an outfit made completely of sparkles.
• Every time you hear the word 'trust,' twice if it's from LC.
• Whenever you think that Kelly Cutrone is way too hideous to make people feel that awful about themselves.
  
• Every time there is foreshadowing of Stephanie going after Doug.
• Every time Doug is smoking hot.

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'

Back in 'The Hills'

Old news now, I know, but this week has been nuts.

For those of you who didn't tune into MTV's "The Hills" season premiere Monday, you weren't alone: Apparently ratings are down nearly 30 percent from the March premiere.

We step right back into the drama surrounding the girls' new house during Audrina's birthday party. The long and short of it? Audrina has friends that don't have Gucci sunglasses and blond hair and apparently they're abhorrent enough to send Lo to her room for an hour while the party was in full swing. The two have a moderately heated conversation in the poolhouse wherein Audrina tells Lo that they'll never be friends (whether that was audio spliced in while Audrina is off camera or not, who knows).

Lauren's got a new guy named Doug. He's hot. They go on a date and it's pretty obvious Lauren gets her conversation topics from her latest Cosmo magazine: Doug orders a beer -- "I think your drink says a lot about you...It says you're a guy's guy." Such stimulating conversation. I guess this lends some more credibility to Gavin's take on dating LC from last this year.
Spencer and Heidi are seemingly happy again and in pure scripted drama fashion, Heidi's sister unexpectedly arrives to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Spencer throws a temper tantrum and insults the breakfast Holly makes for him. As she's getting into her car for the airport, she tosses out the possibility of her moving out there aaaand perhaps she'll stay with them while she looks for a place, which pisses off the Gerber baby. Holly in Hollywood -- I smell another spinoff!

Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on the radio recently, "Speidi" said they think that Lauren is sick of doing the show (and apparently she's expressed that this could be the last season of it). But regardless of what LC decides, Spencer and Heidi say they're "just beginning" and would gladly continue doing the show. Spencer even 'selflessly' volunteered to takeover the voice over narration job.

I think the way I'll handle this season is by creating a Hills drinking game, like, every time XYZ happens, you take a drink. For this premiere episode:

• Every time Heidi hisses, "That's my sister," to Spencer.
• Every time you see a red mohawk.
• Whenever you think about how much you used to love Lo.
• Every time you wonder, "What does Spencer actually do all day?"

Inane things you can do, I (apparently) can't do better

Some of these may be questionable, but I thought maybe I'd stir up some controversy by posting AskMen.com's list of the Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do.

As a woman, I hesitate to say some of the things on the list made me laugh. It also made me think of Ron Burgundy's line, "I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."

So without further ado... [click the links below for a more detailed account]

• 10. Go topless - well sometimes we'd prefer if you didn't...
  
• 9. Hold their liquor - Click this one. Totally true.
  
• 8. Manscape - Um, well, yeah. Duh.
  
• 7. Navigate spatially
  
• 6. Shave their heads
  
• 5. Play real sports - Don't even get me started on this one...
  
• 4. Fertilize eggs - Where, pray tell, are you finding these eggs?
  
• 3. Pee standing up - Yeah, true. Unfair.
  
• 2. F^%* things - Way to go, boys. Be proud.
  
• 1. Age well - I won't argue this one. George Clooney will still be hot when he's 85.
  

It's all in good fun, though, right? Any woman want to try her hand at creating a Top 10 Things Men Can't Do list? I'm sure we could come up with more than 10...

Close out that tab, mate

An Australian man who had heart broken was drowning his sorrows in alcohol, only he probably could have literally drown his sorrows and himself in the amount of beer he was consuming per week.

Michael Leary, a father of four, was spending an average of $972 a week on beer after breaking up with his partner five years ago, according to the Northern Territory News. (And P.S. that's about enough to buy 2,500 bottles of beer per month)

Authorities figured the construction worker had a problem when he was charged a few months ago with drunk driving...for the seventh time--no? You think he's got a problem?? The man was not sentenced to jail time, but has been banned from drinking or even holding a beer for 12 months.

Leary earns approximately $2,000 a week gross - or about $1440 after tax, according to the court. About $150 goes to rent, $150 on buses and taxis and $50 on his phone. The rest? Beer.

What's funnier is that the while in court, the judge made fun of the guy's taste in beer, saying, "(That is) poor judgment on two counts there -- drinking that much and drinking Melbourne Bitter."

It's kind of like the Australian version of Natural Light. Like drinking $1,000 worth of Natural Light. Come to think of it: I think I have a friend who might get along with Mr. Leary pretty well...

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - BORE!

"A Shot at Love II with Tila Tequila" wrapped up last week and --not surprisingly-- there might be more Tila in MTV's future.

If you didn't care about the first season of "Shot at Love," then you certainly don't care about "Shot at Love II"-- even I didn't care enough to watch 3/4 of the season and I'm a terrible reality show hog.

But in case you missed the finale, Tila turned down stud muffin Bo for the Barbie-like Kristy...and Kristy turned around and rejected Tila's offer.

"I feel humiliated... hat's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?" Tila sobs at the end of the episode, which of course begs the response: Um, you're looking for love on an MTV reality show? Duh?

Kristy babbled something about not being ready for her first real relationship with a woman and that Tila's plastic key was more than just a plastic key.

Tonight, MTV aired the "One Shot Too Many"reunion show, but to my surprise, it was less of a 'let's bring all of our dumbass loser contestants on the show with lots of gimmicks' (ala Flavor of Love, etc.), and only featured the show's three biggest characters and their feelings about show's end result. It was a little more --dare I say--real.

Still, the reunion was pretty lackluster--just a lot of talking about feelings and dramatic pre-commercial music. Like an episode of Dr. Phil. A bi-sexual, semi-faux version of Dr. Phil mediated by an MTV personality no one has heard of.

The only pulse the reunion show could muster was when Tila was able to confront Kristy after two months without speaking. The basic gist is that Kristy says she wasn't ready, she felt they were just friends, she did the same thing to Tila that Tila did to 16 other people. She says that she didn't want to end up one of those fake reality couples that just break up, but like, what? What the hell were you on the show for?

And that was apparently Tila's reasoning, too, as she accuses Kristy of using her to get on television and disrespecting her very serious quest for love. At the end of the show, she angrily asks the host if she really needs to sit there and talk to Kristy anymore...awkwarrrrd.

"If this bitch don't shut the $^@# up, I'm gonna...Shut your $%^#ing trash hole, bitch," Tila yells. This launches Kristy into a fit of anger as she storms off the stage, yelling about how she doesn't deserve to be talked to like that on national television. And then the host awkwardly closes the show because he's the only one sitting on stage. Good times!

Tila posted this on her MySpace page regarding the reunion show:

Tune in to see what Kristy's fake ass has to say to me and her lame excuses! Watch me put a beat down on her ass! haha! yea right I wish....but tune in anyway cuz it'll be interesting. I finally get to tell that bitch off and now I'm happy to put all of this crap behind me! YAY!

Visit MTV Overdrive to watch the entire reunion show.

Girl meets girl??

As most of my friends know, McFaddens in Philadelphia (particularly on 3rd Street) is a horrendous bar--terrible DJs, awful music and this obnoxious siren that goes off every 30 seconds.

But...had I known I would have been given the chance to make out with Topanga, I totally would have suffered through all that babel.

Yes folks, below you'll find a photo of Danielle Fishel at McFaddens this past weekend, making nice (and making out) with the locals...especially of the female variety.

*courtesy of collegehumor.com

Hopefully she didn't drive home afterward...

And where the heck is Cory!!? I'm sure that lovable brillo-head would have something snappy to say. Does anyone think it's ironic that she used to date gay *NSYNC-er Lance Bass?

RELATED LINKS:
Girl meets law

'Rehab' renewed

I don't think I ever wrote about VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" when it was on a few months ago (probably because it's not nearly as addictive as "Rock of Love"), but nonetheless, it turned out to be an extremely captivating and--can you believe this--real reality show.

And VH1 is bringing it back for another stint.

It appears as though Dr. Drew is back again, but there has been no confirmation on any cast members or when the next season will air. Stay tuned!

*So* worth the obnoxious two-in-a-row video post

Yeah, I hate posting two videos in a row because, well, this blog is supposed to be about the written word, but this is super crafty.

I know I posted the hand farting guy playing the Mario Bros. theme song, but this thing is way more incredible. Check it out!

Forgiveness, please

To any loyal readers--

My deepest apologies for not providing you with inane news stories, reality television updates and the like for the last, what, week? My job is generally taxing, but in an effort to have off this Friday to imbibe with friends and relish in NCAA basketball (which I really don't even care about) at the most dominant sports bar in Philadelphia (which I certainly do care about), I have been working insane hours and sitting at droning meetings deep into the night.

Wow, that sentence was really long.

Anyway, it could be another few days before I'm able to form some semblance of an entertaining post, but I will leave you with two reminders to close out the week:

Tomorrow...I guess now it's really today...well, whatever--MARCH 20th is the first day of spring, which means it is Free Rita's Water Ice Day! In honor of the seasonal change, Rita's is rolling out a new cream ice flavor: Birthday Cake. Not sure how I feel about it, but at least I won't be wasting any money to try it.


And secondly, Friday is Free Iced Coffee Day at Dunkin Donuts--and no, that is not the imbibing I was referring to above (this is), but I will certainly take part in this free festivity as well. God, that picture is gorgeous.

Enjoy the next however many days, and please come back. I promise I'll stop sucking in a few days.

IT'S A BIG AD

I ganked this off of an unknowing friend's away message the other day after the Super Bowl, obviously inspired by the lackluster showing of commercials this year.

It made me laugh a lot.

Thanks, Conte!

RIP Renfro

Actor Brad Renfro was found dead in his Los Angeles home tonight.

The cause of death is currently unknown, but the former childhood actor had been struggling with drugs and alcohol addiction for several years. In 2005, he attempted to buy heroin from an undercover cop and served time in jail during May 2006 for those charges and a DWI.

Renfro debuted in "The Client" at age 12, and also starred in "Sleepers," "Deuces Wild," "Apt Pupil" and "The Jacket. He just finished shooting a movie called The Informers with Winona Ryder, Mickey Rourke and Billy Bob Thorton, according to IMDB.

This entry will be updated as more information becomes available.

I'm pretty sure there's a Lorena Bobbit joke in this somewhere...

You'd think a 25-year-old guy could handle a few dicks drawn on his face after passing out on his friend's couch. Isn't that just the way it goes when you're the first one down for the count?

Well apparently Scott Masse, of Tennessee, didn't like what his friends drew on him and drew something of his own: a knife.

Masse woke up around 1 a.m. and realized that "someone had drawn a picture of a male genitalia on his face with black marker while he was asleep," according to the police report. He allegedly pulled a pocket knife and said he would start cutting people if he didn't find out who drew on him.

Dude, chill out?

The man scrubbed away the marker...just in time for his mugshot. and now he'll face felony charges when he appears in court March 6.