Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

from The Jerc Store!

Don't forget to wish your momma a happy Mother's Day today! And if you're having trouble finding the right words to say, DON'T take the Shia-LaBeouf-approach...

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds." -- Actor Shia LaBeouf

That's, uh, flattering...and really f'ing creepy. Read more here.

What's also moderately creepy (but obviously much more hilarious) is SNL's new "Dick-in-a-Box" guys skit, "Motherlover."

Anyway... Happy Mother's Day!

"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Grandma-ma

So it's pretty offbeat when a 56-year-old woman gives birth, and even more so when a 56-year-old woman gives birth to triplets. But how about when the kids she's birthing are actually her grandkids.

Jaci Dalenberg, of Cleveland, was acting as a surrogate mother for her daughter, Kim Conseno. She gave birth to identical twin girls and their fraternal sister Oct. 11 by way of C-section.

The babies were born more than two months premature and each weighed less than 3 pounds, but are said to be doing well.

According to a spokeswoman, the 56-year-old offered her surrogate service to the daughter when she and her husband, Joe, were waiting to adopt. The couple used vitro fertilization and the embryos were implanted into Dalenberg's uterus.

Joe and Kim also have an 18- and 13-year-old. You can check out their "Our Life With Triplets and and Teens 'Oh My'" blog.

So...what do the kids call Dalenberg? Mama? Grandma? Grandmamama?

Luck of the flush

Ever since my dad told me the story about how my uncle won $10,000 on a scratch-off lottery ticket last week, I've mentioned it in casual conversation whenever family, the lottery or luck have come up...

And then during a delicious dinner at The Melting Pot this weekend, my friend told me about Kory McFarren, the Kansas man who won $20,000 on a scratch-off twice this year.

Wow, that's really luck--Wait a sec...Haven't I written about him before? Ohhhh, that's right--he's the guy whose girlfriend was stuck in the bathroom and on the toilet for two years.

Yup. The guy involved in one of the most unbelievable stories I've ever heard struck gold twice in one year. He cashed in his winning $2 Bonus Crossword ticket Monday. (I am addicted to that crossword one, too, by the way.)

In July, McFarren received six months of probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor mistreatment of a dependent adult.

He called police in February when "something was wrong" with his girlfriend, Pam Babcock, who had essentially been living in the bathroom for the last two years and was literally stuck on the toilet for about a month. The seat had adhered to sores on her body and she underwent several months of treatment following police intervention.

McFarren said the woman developed a phobia about leaving the bathroom which stemmed from beatings she received in her childhood. To read more about the incident, click here.

Thanks, Jax!

RELATED LINKS
Literally stuck on the john

"Drama follows them"

In true MTV fashion, most of what was worth watching during Monday night's 'Hills' episode was already broadcast on previews for the show that ran throughout last week. But admittedly, that never stops me from tuning in...

Episode two focuses on Stephanie Pratt's birthday party -- Lauren is invited. Spencer and Heidi are invited, but pretend like they're not interested. Lo is going to tag along with Lauren, but Audrina might stop by. Doug is coming with Brody and Frankie.

Everyone attends and, much to my shock and surprise, awkward drama ensues!
Was anyone else completely confused by the Audrina/Lo interaction at the bar? Either Lo was bombed and giving Audrina googly eyes, or there was clearly something that happened off-camera. And after 30 seconds of switching close-ups of LC to Heidi to Spencer to Stephanie and back again, Spencer randomly barks, "Get those obnoxious girls out of here." Like, what? Kudos to Brody for peacing out of that drama cesspool.

The rest of the "good guys" follow suit, leaving Stephanie alone at her table with just "Speidi." Spencer maniacally laughs about the situation, probably because he feels empowered driving six people away from a VIP table and ruining his sister's birthday. Schmuck.

But the most gripping part of the episode (and that's dripping with sarcasm, I might add) is the conversation between Stephanie and Spencer in which we truly learn the depth of Spencer's wisdom. He tells his sister, "As long as you're running with that posse, you have nothing to do with my life. Straight up." But if that wasn't clear enough for her, he explains that attempting to get Spencer to get along with Lauren is like "trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along." I'm pretty sure he also used the term "un-brother" (in a noun form, nonetheless),

As promised, the next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you see an outfit made completely of sparkles.
• Every time you hear the word 'trust,' twice if it's from LC.
• Whenever you think that Kelly Cutrone is way too hideous to make people feel that awful about themselves.
  
• Every time there is foreshadowing of Stephanie going after Doug.
• Every time Doug is smoking hot.

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'