Guess he's not 'shooting blanks'...?

A Florida man reportedly shot himself in the arm after his girlfriend shot down having sex with him.

Police said Jonathon Guabello, 29, and his live-in girlfriend of five months, Ryan Mackinnon, came home from a bar around midnight Wednesday, and when Guabello started to get frisky, Mackinnon said she just wanted to go to sleep.

The 24-year-old girlfriend went into the spare bedroom, but several minutes later heard two gunshots. Guabello --who was under the influence of alcohol and Xanax-- came into the room with the gun and told her if she called for help or tried to put him in rehab, he'd kill her. He then stumbled into the kitchen, walked into the oven and knocked himself unconscious.

After being treated for the gunshot wounds at a local hospital, Guabello was charged with threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling. He was being held on $100,000 bail.

So, men, what lesson did we learn today? When you're drunk, randy and wielding a gun, your girlfriend probably won't want to have sex with you.

Close out that tab, mate

An Australian man who had heart broken was drowning his sorrows in alcohol, only he probably could have literally drown his sorrows and himself in the amount of beer he was consuming per week.

Michael Leary, a father of four, was spending an average of $972 a week on beer after breaking up with his partner five years ago, according to the Northern Territory News. (And P.S. that's about enough to buy 2,500 bottles of beer per month)

Authorities figured the construction worker had a problem when he was charged a few months ago with drunk driving...for the seventh time--no? You think he's got a problem?? The man was not sentenced to jail time, but has been banned from drinking or even holding a beer for 12 months.

Leary earns approximately $2,000 a week gross - or about $1440 after tax, according to the court. About $150 goes to rent, $150 on buses and taxis and $50 on his phone. The rest? Beer.

What's funnier is that the while in court, the judge made fun of the guy's taste in beer, saying, "(That is) poor judgment on two counts there -- drinking that much and drinking Melbourne Bitter."

It's kind of like the Australian version of Natural Light. Like drinking $1,000 worth of Natural Light. Come to think of it: I think I have a friend who might get along with Mr. Leary pretty well...

Forgiveness, please

To any loyal readers--

My deepest apologies for not providing you with inane news stories, reality television updates and the like for the last, what, week? My job is generally taxing, but in an effort to have off this Friday to imbibe with friends and relish in NCAA basketball (which I really don't even care about) at the most dominant sports bar in Philadelphia (which I certainly do care about), I have been working insane hours and sitting at droning meetings deep into the night.

Wow, that sentence was really long.

Anyway, it could be another few days before I'm able to form some semblance of an entertaining post, but I will leave you with two reminders to close out the week:

Tomorrow...I guess now it's really today...well, whatever--MARCH 20th is the first day of spring, which means it is Free Rita's Water Ice Day! In honor of the seasonal change, Rita's is rolling out a new cream ice flavor: Birthday Cake. Not sure how I feel about it, but at least I won't be wasting any money to try it.


And secondly, Friday is Free Iced Coffee Day at Dunkin Donuts--and no, that is not the imbibing I was referring to above (this is), but I will certainly take part in this free festivity as well. God, that picture is gorgeous.

Enjoy the next however many days, and please come back. I promise I'll stop sucking in a few days.

I'm pretty sure there's a Lorena Bobbit joke in this somewhere...

You'd think a 25-year-old guy could handle a few dicks drawn on his face after passing out on his friend's couch. Isn't that just the way it goes when you're the first one down for the count?

Well apparently Scott Masse, of Tennessee, didn't like what his friends drew on him and drew something of his own: a knife.

Masse woke up around 1 a.m. and realized that "someone had drawn a picture of a male genitalia on his face with black marker while he was asleep," according to the police report. He allegedly pulled a pocket knife and said he would start cutting people if he didn't find out who drew on him.

Dude, chill out?

The man scrubbed away the marker...just in time for his mugshot. and now he'll face felony charges when he appears in court March 6.

'Oh sh*t...'

A man who destroyed a neighbor's yard and fence while driving under the influence was pretty much shit outta luck Wednesday. That's because police found the proof they needed to tie him to the accident on the bottom of his shoes.

That's right. He was in deep doo-doo in more ways than one.

The yard that the Virginia man crashed into belonged to a man who owned four dogs and the suspect stepped in some dog doo before fleeing the scene, and proceeded to track it down the street. While police were following the poopsteps, they saw a white van swerving toward them and asked the driver to get out.

Josue Herrios-Coronilla, 18, reeked of alcohol and was charged with driving while impaired and drinking underage and released on $1,500 bail. That stinks, haaaaa.

Blowing for the record

As New Year's Eve approaches and images of champagne wishes and caviar dreams--alright, maybe Miller Light wishes and potato chip dreams in some cases--dance in your head, please don't forget to be safe. Drinking and driving is bad.

Just ask Meagan Harper, the 30-year-old Oregon woman who has set the female record for highest blood alcohol content after police found her passed out in the parking lot of a pizza place.

Harper blew a 0.55, which is seven times the legal limit in Oregon. This level of intoxication, according to the Rutgers University Center of Alcohol Studies, would require a 100-pound man or woman to consume roughly 10 drinks in an hour or a 200-pound man to drink about six drinks each hour for four hours.

That's impressive; I have two light beers in an hour and I'm down for the count. What's even more impressive is how functional she looks in her mugshot.

Harper was arrested and taken to the hospital. Her bail was set at $50,000. Harper has three previous DUI charges, one while she was at the helm of a boat. Idiot.

The woman, who is 5'11 and 130 pounds, fell just short of breaking the all-time BAC record, held by Willard Ashley III. The Indiana man blew 0.69 in October 2003.