Everywhere like such as this t-shirt

Generally, I'm not a mean person, but I don't think I'll ever get sick of making fun of Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina, Caitlin Upton and her ridiculous response to the question, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Now, you'll be able to locate Upton's answer on your back because her idiotic response has been printed in the shape of a sash on this new t-shirt from Busted Tees.

Don't worry, boys. It's available in men's sizes too!

Made for TV

Correcting a previous item:

Despite rumors posted on MediaTakeOut.com, citing "most trusted Vh1 sources," New York and Tailor Made are still together and still engaged.

But still, kudos to Mr. Wise for throwing a little spice in last night's reunion show. His airborne attack on Tailor Made was fantastic.



RELATED LINKS:
New York's Got it Made
Deja New York

Stick a fork in him

This is one of the most disgusting news stories I've seen: Police are saying that a 25-year-old Dallas man allegedly killed his girlfriend and then cooked her remains after they found her ear boiling in a pot on the stove and a slab of human flesh on the table with a fork in it.

Christopher McCuin told his mother to go in the garage Saturday and "see what he had done," and after they fled the scene for help, McCuin called police. Authorities are still unsure if the man had actually eaten any parts of the body.

McCuin is also being charged with stabbing the lover of his estranged wife prior to the slaying of his girlfriend, Jana Shearer. Police believe that the 21-year-old Shearer was abducted from her home after she left the home with no shoes, purse or cell phone Friday night. Neighbors said they had hurt the couple loudly fighting in the past.

I don't know if this guy was delusional and seriously wanted to eat his girlfriend or if he was just looking for a way to make national news, which is so often the case nowadays. This reminds me of that book "Two Bottles of Relish" by Lord Dunsany, except this guy was forthright in his means of murder and was almost bragging about it. Disgusting.

McCuin was charged with capital murder. He was being held in the Smith County Jail on a $2 million bond yesterday and did not have an attorney, officials said. He is scheduled to be arraigned today, and Texas will give him the death penalty for this heinous crime. Good thing this wasn't in New Jersey.

"Gladiators, are you ready?"

Please, tell me you didn't miss the premiere of NBC's American Gladiators tonight.

The two-hour reinvention of the 90's classic aired tonight and introduced America to 14 new Gladiators ready to whoop on some short and comparatively scrawny contenders: Blast, Crush, Fury, Hellga, Siren, Stealth and Venom for the women, and Hammer, Justice, Mayhem, Militia, Titan, Toa and Wolf for the men.

A little fun fact: Titan is the only Gladiator to be on both the original and the remake of the series, and Toa is the cousin of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

I was stoked for this show to start and tonight's double showing was entertaining, but honestly...it was a little too WWE for my taste. The extremely terrible overacting and audience singing "Nananana, hey hey hey, goodbye" every time someone fell into the water, sprinkled with the occasional heartfelt testimonial and shout out to the loving family, I felt like it was like fake-o wrestling meets Oprah Winfrey.

Also, I was pretty disappointed by how nice the female Gladiators were being. Don't shake that bitches hand--kick her while she's down!!

The 2008 American Gladiators leaves 1991 loyalists with much to be desired, but I was pleased to see the return of Assault (where contenders aim arrows and rockets at Gladiators while dodging 100-mph tennis ball shots) and the ever-popular Eliminator, which destroyed and embarrassed several of tonight's contenders.

I'm predicting the show probably won't last longer than this season (or until the strike ends), but for a shot of old school, cheesy, barbaric entertainment, check out the second part NBC's 2008 American Gladiators premiere tomorrow night at 8 p.m.

UPDATE: Titan appeared on a local radio show this morning saying that tonight's episode features a nice bone breaking - whoo hoo!

RELATED LINKS:
Reinventing Lace, Zap, Blaze and Laser

Interactive Tetris

In all the madness and obsession over Playstation 17 and Xbox180, honestly, I'm a little lost. Other than the Wii, I don't get why people are going nuts over these game systems.

I really miss the good 'ole days when I'd button mash and beat my brothers in Street Fighter, or come home and catch my parents playing Tetris anytime the console was free.

Yeah, Tetris... that was an awesome game, and if you happen to miss the game as much as I do, please watch this video of Human Tetris.



It's incredible, though I'm pretty sure I would totally dominate whoever is "playing" the game.

I am a sacred vessel--all you got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

I don't get out to the movies as often as I'd like, but last night, I was fortunate enough to catch Jason Reitman's new indie-like, "Juno." [click to watch trailer]

In a nutshell: Juno, a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant by her nerdy best friend, searches for a suitable couple to adopt the child while dealing with her high school peers and semi-dysfunctional family.

Might not sound like a standout film, but it totally is.

The acting performances are all on-point, and I'm sure Ellen Page ("Juno") is going to blow up as a huge star in no time; she's like a young Janine Garofalo. Michael Cera, whom you may remember from "Superbad," isn't in the movie as much as you'd might think, but I laughed incredibly hard anytime Bleeker said anything (but that's because I'm in love with all things awkward). Jennifer Garner, who plays Vanessa, really makes you feel her pain as a mother who can't conceive and is struggling for the chance to be a mother with her husband, Mark, played by Jason Bateman.

This is a non-spoilers review, so I'll withhold all ending details, but the movie keeps your interest the entire time without fail. It's a dark comedy feel, mixed with some Napoleon Dynamite/Superbad-ness, but has also got a slightly heavy and emotional side when dealing with adoption and love of all kinds (yeah, I cried for the last 20 minutes of the movie after laughing for the first 75).

While the dialogue is a little off-putting at first (lots of abbreviations and trend-speak), you adapt after about five minutes and it becomes entertaining, brassy, cheeky, laughable, etc. etc. etc. "Can't we just like kick this old school. You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?" [click to read quotes from "Juno"]

The soundtrack is also noteworthy--little odd, really catchy and the song that Bleeker and Juno sing at the end of the movie will undoubtedly become a huge iTunes download if enough people wise up and see this awesome movie.

Lipo-SUCK-tion

I'm severely opposed to plastic surgeries and whatnot (unless it is absolutely life saving), but this story makes me sick: A 12-year-old girl from Texas has undergone a number of surgeries, including liposuction and a lap-band surgery.

Brooke Bates, of Austin, weighed 180 pounds as an 11-year-old. At 12, she carried 220 pounds on her 5'5 frame, at which time her family decided that diet and exercise were not working and they needed to seek medical attention.

And instead of receiving a strict regiment from a nutritionist or dietician, Brooke underwent liposuction--and not gastric bypass because that's too dangerous.

You might be surprised by the numbers, though. Almost 3,000 people under the age of 18 underwent liposuction last year. Disgusting.

Now Brooke weighs 153 pounds and says she feels better because she's lighter and has boyfriends...because that's always validating [click here to watch Brooke's transformation, courtesy of Jezebel]. The twist here is that after gaining back a few pounds, Brooke is not going to have lap-band surgery.

So all you overweight teenagers out there, what have we learned tonight?
Don't worry about exercise, playing outside or being healthy. Eat your garbage food and sit on your butts, playing video games and spending hours on MySpace. There's nothing wrong with teenagers having liposuction (sarcaaaasm!)

Who called the caucus?

Iowa caucus results as of 1 a.m. Friday:

RESULTS: Obama 37.53; Edwards 29.88; Clinton 29.41 Huckabee 34; Romney 25; Thompson 14; McCain 13%; Paul 10%

So it appears Obama and Huckabee are the projected winers.

Iowa delivered fatal blows to the campaigns of Sen. Chris Dodd of Connecticut and Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, and both have bailed out of the race, according to CNN.

In a nutshell, the Iowa caucus is somewhat of a primary, except it doesn't involve ballots or secret voting; instead, people visit libraries, churches, farm houses and other locations throughout the state, and will walk to the corner or space by the wall designated for the candidate of their choice.

New Hampshire will hold the nation's first primary election on Tuesday.

I can't even bring myself to make a bacon joke...

A family wanting to keep their pet pig warm last night lost the animal and nearly destroyed their home.

The Wilgis family, of St. Augustine, Fla., worried their Vietnamese potbellied pig, Conan, would freeze staying outside during the coldest night of the season yet, so they provided him with a space heater outside in their pool house. Unfortunately, Conan knocked over the lamp and set his domain on fire, as well as the porch of the family's home.

Everyone inside the home was safe, but sadly the 100-pound pig did not make it and died of smoke inhalation.

Give me baby, one more time

Every news source puts out the same story every year: 'So and so was the first baby born in the new year at such and such hospital.'

But you don't often see a story like the Armstrong's from Gettysburg, Pa.

Becky and Kyle Armstrong welcomed new baby Faith Lynn to the world--and 2008--at the Gettysburg Hospital Tuesday at 5:23 a.m. But...she wasn't their first, first baby.

The couple delivered their firstborn child, Kaden Skye Armstrong, on New Year's Day last year and Kaden was the same hospital's first baby of 2007.

Hospital employees said they've never seen anything like it. No kidding, I don't think anyone could do that if they tried, which I'm sure they will now.

And a little fun fact: the babies' great-grandmother also shares the same birthday.

"It's a tranny mess up in here"

WARNING: SPOILERS

Tonight's episode of Project Runway was a sweet escape from the lackluster challenges this season has been cooking up: The remaining designers took an early morning trip to the Hershey's Chocolate store in New York City, and were asked to make a garment in one day from whatever they could get their hands on in the store.

Not surprisingly, the designers were thrilled at the start--running around like kids, well, in a candy store. But later on, most of them experienced a meltdown (anyone taking bets on how many confectionery references I can make in this post?).

In this episode, we learn that Kevin has some serious disdain for Christian and that Elisa was in a coma after a bad car accident. And don't worry, she's crazy, but I'm not gonna go there.

There was a lot of unwrapping in the design room, but most of the designers chickened out and only used the wrappers; Christian threw away an entire trashcan of Reese's cups. Jillian was the only one to take the big risk and create an edible garment. I'm not a fan of her personally, but she should have won this challenge for creating a corset out of Twizzlers.

Unfortunately for her, Rami was the winner with his loud, but fashionable, garment (below, left). The incredible tailoring was what won the judges over, versus Chris' Andy Warhol-like dress (below, center) and Jillian's courageous piece (below, right).

On the other end of the spectrum were Victorya, Elisa and Sweet Pea, who all seemed to send "sad" dresses down the runway in a challenge that was all about happiness and smiles, according to the judges.

Victorya had her model walking down the runway looking ridiculous with her hands open and out to the sides--what was that?? Sweet Pea's decision to scrap her initial design proved costly, especially because her first design didn't even seem that poor.

And there was Elisa...who sent the saddest dress of them all into the judges' claws. She said, "I wanted to make a beautiful, sexy, amazing dress, that felt like candy but didn't use candy." It was a brown mess, which Michael Kors said could have been sold at a flea market, and apparently the model was wearing a "silver swimming cap" on her arm. She was sent home and muttered some foreign words to Heidi Klum on her way out.


Six down--nine to go. Make it work!

RELATED LINKS:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

You might prefer the grannies over the g-string on this one

They're not my personal choice, but 'granny panties' can come in handy sometime--no, not in the bedroom; in the kitchen.

A man in London put out a kitchen fire Sunday with aunt's extra large underwear.

John Marsey and his cousin Darren Lines were frying bread in Jenny Marsey's kitchen when suddenly a fire started. Thinking quickly, Lines grabbed Lines grabbed the underwear from a nearby pile of laundry, ran it under water, and put the fire out.

That's gotta cause some skid marks.

According to the AP, the fire official at the scene said the general principle of using a large, wet cloth to cover a grease fire was a sound one. But as for using underwear: "Clearly it depends on what size you are — but I don't want to go there."

What also makes me laugh the most is that the Associated Press wrote: "his aunt's billowing, powder blue, size XL underpants." Billowing? I really hope no one ever describes any article of my clothing as billowing. Yikes. Hello embarrassing.

Ordering up another round of 'Shot'

Surprise, surprise. Tila Tequila and her selected suitor, Bobby, couldn't make their relationship work and MTV has the bi-sexual dating show signed up for another season.

Tila, who hosted a New Year's Eve show for the network, announced Monday that Bobby had broken up with her because he couldn't handle her schedule or dating a "celebrity."

"The night was amazing except for the fact that Bobby had broken up with me a few days before all of this went down. I wasn't expecting it at all because I thought I had finally found someone that I was compatible with, but I guess I was wrong. My hectic schedule was really hard on him and we both were getting frustrated, but at the same time.....I just wanted to find someone who would understand what a crazy lifestyle I have so it's too bad that things didn't work out between us. With that said I just want to make it known that I still think Bobby is a great guy and I wish him the best."- from Tila's MySpace page.

On the other hand, a MySpace bulletin posted by the boy wonder claims that Tila just stopped calling him after the reunion show, which aired Dec. 23.

"She never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number so pretty much I feel like and ass but we are not 2gather u cant have a realationship bye urself ya know." - from Bobby's MySpace page.

...which should lead us all to believe that MTV demanded that the two end their relationship, especially because the finale of "Shot at Love" drew 6 million viewers--the highest of the network since November 2002.

And come on, Bobby was pretty silly, but he's not a moron (though, after reading his horrendous grammar and spelling on the post, I might reconsider). Who would land MySpace's hottest vixen (and eat animal testicles for her) and then dump her two weeks later? I had an unnatural love for this silly show, but I don't want it to turn into Flavor of Love, which is coming out with it's like, 17th episode this season. It was pretty unreal before, but it's going to be uber fake now! Come on, MTV...

The show is rumored to begin in the spring of this year and will follow the same format of straight and lesbian hopefuls vying for Tila's affection. And be on the look out for Domenico's spinoff: That's Amore! featuring the Italian stallion and the moronic cowboy, Ashley.

RELATED LINKS:
How to save a bi
Here's to a shot at shameless self promotion

Tons of television

Good news for those of you going through late-night television withdrawal lately: Leno, Conan, Jimmy Kimmel, Letterman and Craig Ferguson will all return to air tomorrow night.

But there is still a lot up in the air regarding primetime programming, and some people are worried that the reality TV monster is going to gobble up television as we know it. Sorry folks, but there's not a lot we can do about it, so let's celebrate some of the incredible--that's slightly sarcastic--television slotted to premiere in the next few weeks.

Biggest Loser Couples - NBC - Jan. 1: I've not been a follower of this show in the past, but I watched the premiere tonight and it was moderately entertaining [click here to read more about this season]. Interesting twist on the original. Something that might be left on in the background.

The Celebrity Apprentice - NBC - Jan. 3: I just got into The Apprentice last season, and I'm excited for more Trump time, but this list of celebrities is filled with scrubs. But I'm excited for the shameless product placement to come.

American Gladiators - NBC - Jan. 6: This is going to be incredible. That's all I have to say.

Rock of Love II - VH1 - Jan. 13: I'm a sucker for Bret Michaels and the first season of this show was entirely too addictive. It don't mean nothing but a good time, so please, tune in.

The Gauntlet III - MTV - Jan. 23: It's been way too long since MTV has put out a Real World/Road Rules challenge, so I'm stoked for the new Gauntlet. The cast will again be split into Rookies v. Vets and the characters look like they will not disappoint. Coral is back, baby!!

Let's also look forward to Flavor of Love III (Feb. 11), the continuation of The Hills' season three, Top Chef Chicago, and I guess we can look forward to American Idol's whatever number season it is, beginning Jan. 16. And in a non-reality television sense, we've got Entourage coming in sometime this year and grr, a postponed due to the writer's strike season of 24.

That's a lot of TV.
P.S. I do have a life, seriously.

We'll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne

Welcome to 2008!

I wish I had some meaningful post for the first of the year, but all I've got are well wishes for everyone in the year ahead.

I also wanted to thank you for the support and for visiting The Jerc Store. Don't forget: You can now access the site by typing "thejercstore.com" in your browser!

In The Jerc Store's inaugural three months, this site has received almost 15,000 hits, with 80 percent of those hits coming in the month of December. It's a nice feeling knowing that you're writing for more than just your own menial entertainment.

Keep coming back daily to check out what's new--part of my New Year's resolution is to double my content, so hopefully I can make good on that one. Keep the comments coming, and remember, I have no way of knowing who posts what unless you post your name, so please don't be shy. And anyone who would like to contribute by guest writing, submitting ideas or linking up blogs, please let me know!

Thanks for visiting--HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Scorned porn

Don't ask me how I got to the topic of sex tapes, but Maximonline.com has published a fabulous list of sex tapes we never want to see, and it's hilarious.

Please visit for a laugh all in good, dirty fun. You'll see Napoleon Dynamite, Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor and Chris Berman starring in their own adult flicks sure to make you vom a little in your mouth. Personally, my favorite is "Ridin Seacrest" featuring the American Idol host. But I don't know what they're talking about...I might want to see that one.

Dreams are the things confetti is made of

I always wondered who had the tedious job of sweeping up all that Time Square confetti on New Year's Day, but apparently they're dream makers.

This year, the wishes of people across the world will be printed on the bajillion pieces of confetti dumped on the crazies who visit Time Square tomorrow as part of a NYE Wishing Wall.

To have your wish printed, visit this Web site and fill out the form. Wishes will also be posted here. The wish-filled pieces of confetti will be mixed with plain confetti (is that an oxymoron), equalling more than 1 ton of crap falling on people's heads and onto the dirty streets.

I seriously could not think of a more worthless idea. Is anyone going to read this?? Oh wait, let me bend down and pick some wishes off the street. Or hey, you, there's a wish stuck in your hair, oh it's little Jimmy from Poughkeepsie.

And if you try to fill out the form to submit a wish, you get like, 10 characters to write your it. "I wish this year tha--" that's all you get. I wish for more space to write my damn wish!

Perfect Schmerfect

Okay, go ahead and rip on me for Wednesday's smack talk.


Tom Brady's behind was not the only perfect thing on T.V. tonight. The New England Patriots beat the New York Giants tonight to become the first team in NFL history to go 16-0 in the regular season. (The 1972 Miami Dolphins also went unbeaten throughout the season, but played only 14 games.)

The Pats scored 38 points to the Giants' 35, overcoming a 12-point deficit as millions watched one the three channels simulcasting the game (also an NFL first).

Other than the winning record, tonight marked a number of other records for the team: Brady beat Peyton Manning's mark of 49 touchdown passes by throwing two to Moss, landing him at 50 for the season. Moss broke Jerry Rice's record of 22 TD receptions, and the Pats finished with 589 points for the season, a single-season record.

Good job, Pats. I'm sure your cheating ways had nothing to do with your perfect season.

No holds barred for Hannah

I bet my parents are glad that Hannah Montana did not exist during my childhood. Kids across the nation are begging, kicking and screaming to get their hands on HM tickets these days, and seriously, who wants to disappoint their kids?

But at the same time, spineless parents who will stop at nothing to get these tickets to please their kiddies (and probably brag around the water cooler) are ruining it for everyone.

Priscilla Ceballos, a woman from Garland, Texas, recently submitted an essay on behalf of her daughter, which began with the line, "My daddy died in Iraq this year," for a Hannah Montana Rock Your Holidays Essay Contest. Prizes included tickets to Hannah Montana's sold-out concert in Albany, New York in January, airfare and accommodations to the show and a Hannah Montana gift bag.

Her essay won the contest... only one problem: it was one big, fat lie.

The woman told contest officials that the girl's father, Sgt. Jonathon Menjivar, died April 17 in a roadside bombing in Iraq, but the Department of Defense has no record of anyone with that name dying in Iraq.

Ceballos admitted to the deception, according to a spokeswoman for Club Libby Lu, the store holding the contest. The company is considering taking away the tickets.

"We did the essay and that's what we did to win. We did whatever we could do to win." --Priscilla Ceballos, in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW.

Ruthless, but hey, if a good friend of mine hadn't gotten me tickets to the upcoming Spice Girls concert, maybe I'd consider doing the same.

Blowing for the record

As New Year's Eve approaches and images of champagne wishes and caviar dreams--alright, maybe Miller Light wishes and potato chip dreams in some cases--dance in your head, please don't forget to be safe. Drinking and driving is bad.

Just ask Meagan Harper, the 30-year-old Oregon woman who has set the female record for highest blood alcohol content after police found her passed out in the parking lot of a pizza place.

Harper blew a 0.55, which is seven times the legal limit in Oregon. This level of intoxication, according to the Rutgers University Center of Alcohol Studies, would require a 100-pound man or woman to consume roughly 10 drinks in an hour or a 200-pound man to drink about six drinks each hour for four hours.

That's impressive; I have two light beers in an hour and I'm down for the count. What's even more impressive is how functional she looks in her mugshot.

Harper was arrested and taken to the hospital. Her bail was set at $50,000. Harper has three previous DUI charges, one while she was at the helm of a boat. Idiot.

The woman, who is 5'11 and 130 pounds, fell just short of breaking the all-time BAC record, held by Willard Ashley III. The Indiana man blew 0.69 in October 2003.