"The Hills" have five

For as much as I loved Whitney on "The Hills," I must admit I've barely given "The City" a second glance. I'm not really sure why -- Perhaps it's the lack of Speidi or the fact that I can't understand anything that Australian guy says. 

Either way, I am [shamefully] looking forward to MTV's original scripted drama returning to Monday nights in April.

Check out the trailer for season five below. I love how it opens with a fortune teller soothsaying Lauren's misfortunes ("People who you thought were your friends turned out to be your enemies"). Gee, how insightful. Think she's got cable?

And just as Brett Favre proclaims at the end of every

 season, Lauren Conrad claims to be quitting The Hills...for good this time...

Seriously...

...But probably not.

And even if LC does take a break from the show that made her famous enough to have fake internships, fake boyfriends and a fake clothing line, producers are looking at ways to continue airing the popular show. Rumor has it that Lo is on board. And I'm sure they'll have a hard time getting Heidi and Spencer to come back...

"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Speidi and the Patron make it happen

As much as I feel the last episode of "The Hills" deserves a Jerc Store-style recap (and perhaps it will get one, if my job ever stops consuming my life), I just have to ask the question now: Was anyone else super confused by the Speidi wedding in the Mexico this week?

I consulted with fellow Hills-buff, Stef, on this and she confirmed that it wasn't just me being as vapid as most of the girls on the show - the continuity of the episode really didn't make sense.

In real life --that is, the life that you and I lead-- news of Heidi and Spencer eloping in Mexico broke Nov. 24, just three weeks before this episode aired. Meanwhile (in Hillsland), Lauren and the crew are saying goodbye to Whitney, who is about to leave for a new life in New York City. But, we've been seeing promos for Whitney's new show, "The City," for at least three weeks now and the show premieres in two. How is that they'd already shot, cut, edited and shipped all the footage for Whitney's new show essentially before she's left?

Did that explanation make sense to anyone? No? Okay, try this one out then...

Heidi and Spencer go to Mexico. One night they're drinking--heavily. Now, it's nighttime when Spencer seemingly forces shots of Patron down Heidi's throat and convinces her to marry him right then and there. (Of course, being the gentleman he is, Spencer pushes, pushes, pushes and then sticks his lip out and says, "You're sure?" Please.) The next time we see the couple --now newlyweds-- is during a morning in their hotel room as Heidi talks about being hungover last night from all the Patron. But yet, they whip out a camcorder to show footage of their wedding, shot in daylight.

If they were taking the shots at night and decided on a whim to get married at night, how was the wedding that they're seemingly discussing "the morning after" shot in daylight?

Could this mean that The Hills is --OMG-- fake? Did they do something like this to --GASP-- improve ratings?

[UPDATE] And hey, previews for next week's season finale show Heidi and Spencer making their elopement legal in a courtroom, but apparently that was filmed after hours and is likely not real either. Haaaaaa.

Thanks, Geoff and Stef!

Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding...

Okay, so I'm backtracking on the Heidi-Spencer wedding, as is the rest of the free media world--or at least those who had nothing better to write about than the faux-reality show stars' apparently faux wedding in Mexico last week. (Yeah, and that includes you, Associated Press. You're not so much better than the rest of us. Pfft.)

It appears as though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's elopement was not actually a legally binding union, as previously reported.

"We had a beautiful ceremony here ... officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We've never been happier. And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we'll take care of the legal details when we get home," the couple said in a statement.

Us Weekly, which features the two on its cover this week, reported that Speidi decided to get married while drinking margaritas on the beach. An hour later, they were exchanging vows, the magazine said. Gee, that sounds super well-thought out!

Apparently, it was thought out enough for MTV to get in on the action: "Fans will be able to see the exclusive footage from the ceremony in an upcoming episode, and we will continue to follow the newlyweds' relationship as it plays out in real life," said Executive Producer of "The Hills," Liz Gately.

It's not clear right now whether the footage of the ceremony will be a reenactment of the ceremony or footage obtained from another source. But I'm so totally sure it will be as totally real as the rest of the show.

It's a 'Speidi' wedding!

Well, they did it. 'Hills' stars Heidi and Spencer have reportedly tied the knot, with fewer family members than photogs in attendance. Gee, that's not like Speidi at all...

Us Weekly has confirmed the union, and will feature a full spread on the private ceremony in its upcoming issue, on stands Wednesday.

Here's a taste:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue. See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

See more amazing celebrity wedding photos.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

"I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,'" Montag tells Us.

"She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that," she adds. "I don't know when I'll tell her." Um? I guess now?

Pratt and Montag have had a tumultuous relationship.

In 2007, Pratt popped the question (after just eight months of dating) with a diamond-encrusted platinum band set with a purple stone that he'd purchased from the mall.

See how much stars paid for their engagement rings.

But after bickering over Pratt hitting on women in a club, the pair took a "relationship vacation" just a few months later.

"I'd just turned 21, and it was scary because I was so young," Montag told Us following the split.

(What happened to the bling? "I turned it into a pendant," Montag told Us in December. "It wasn't my dream ring. I don't like what it represents. I might sell it.")

The pair gave it another go in May 2008, after a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico where "Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife,'" Pratt explained.

By the end, he'd convinced her to plan their wedding again.

"I'm ready to marry Spencer," Montag told Us that month. "He's my soulmate."

More 'Hills'

While my coverage of "The Hills" has been waning in recent weeks, I still thought it fair to post a 'scoop' I heard tonight: After much speculation whether or not MTV's most famous faux-reality show would continue for another season, Audrina Patridge has confirmed that the fifth season is a go.

Lately, Hills protagonist Lauren Conrad has been questioning whether she'd like to continue with the show that made her famous, but apparently she caved. Or maybe she's not even on the show anymore and we'll be watching Audrina and Holly live their lives. Just like watching paint dry.

Check out what Audrina had to say here.

"If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree"

I swear, I will get a 'Hills' update soon: I passively watched last night, and while the episode was pretty bland, I did find some things to poke fun at. I'll have to On Demand-it-up over the next few days and try to put together a comprehensive Hills fest of the last three episodes.

In the meantime, check out Lauren's appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night.

The first few minutes are somewhat awkward, with Letterman straight up telling Lauren that she's the reason why people on The Hills hate each other...and she has no idea how to react.

Lauren then discusses the show, the cast, her upcoming books and plans for the future--or tries to, as Letterman interrupts her every 2.5 seconds. Still, LC manages to slip in a great jab at Spencer (around 2:15 in).

Overall, Lauren seems pretty daft, but she's probably just too creeped out by Letterman drooling all over her. Check it out, particularly around 5:45 when Letterman starts giving his thoughts on Brody.



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

The short on Port

My apologies for the lack of 'Hills' recaps lately. Admittedly, I've missed the last two episodes and have had no time to catch up...and until that happens, here's a little teaser for the new Hills spinoff, "The City," starring Whitney.

From what I can gather, there will be a bit less airhead conversation and bit more focus on the career path than The Hills offered; that's a good thing if we're trying to influence young women to get excited about being successful in a professional sense, but it's probaaably not going to be that good for ratings.

Then again, if Lauren makes good on her promise to quit filming the reality show, then I guess "The City" is all we got.

Hey, at least there's a guy with a hot Australian accent!



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over "The Hills"
Head from "The Hills"

Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'

Uh-oh 'Hills' fans - Lauren is talking about calling it quits!

The Hills protagonist told Extra! last night that, "It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away. I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Ahhh, suddenly it makes sense why they are not pushing Whitney's life on us!

Lauren apparently wants to walk away from MTV's most popular show to tour college campuses and talk to co-eds about domestic violence and the like. (Similar to past Real World-ers.)

But wait--there's more: Lauren and Heidi are friends again!

USmagazine reports that the two made up at a Malibu Rum sponsored dinner at STK in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Heidi came over and congratulated Lauren on her clothing line and the two hugged. Daww, how sweet...but I didn't believe they were ever really fighting in the first place.

RELATED LINKS
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Head from 'The Hills'

It appears that MTV is trying to suck its 'Hills' franchise dry: Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad's friend and co-worker, will be getting her very own spinoff in 2009.

Rumors of the spinoff have been swirling for awhile now, but MTV announced today that Whitney will star in "The City" --clever title. The show will air in the spring.

Cameras will follow Whitney from LA to NYC, where she will work for designer Diane Von Furstenberg. reunite with "a best friend from her past" and meet "a guy she's head-over-heels for," according to the release.

I mean, I'm all for the "normal" girl on the overly-hyped television show having her day, but do we really think Whitney can carry the show on her own? I mean, she's intelligent and beautiful, but let's face it: She's just an ancillary character in the drama-tastic world of The Hills--that's the downside of having substance and integrity.

MTV is already heading off our worries with this exaggerated description of the show:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose. In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from." - MTV

You know, I thought Whitney was smart for shying away from the cameras during The Hills and focusing on her career, but I'd say this seems like a step in the wrong direction. Still, it will give me some more meaningless television to watch, so...okay.

"If she never met Spencer..."

So I've been slacking on my Hills updates lately--I've been a bit uninspired. Let's see if we can get back on track this week...

This week's episode was completely sans Stephanie - already an upgrade. (In case you missed last week's episode, Stephanie and Doug had been "dating," he called her a lost puppy to hide his shame for macking it with her, Lauren coldly consoled her. It was thrilling.)

There was much more Audrina in this episode, mostly following her on awkward dates. How terrible do you feel for these guys whose first date with a hot girl is put on display for all of America to see? Anyway, Audrina goes out with Colin twice, but she repeatedly brings up Justin Bobby. Good first date etiquette. Poor Colin tries his hardest to point out every discernable difference between him and JB --including their drunk personas (charming)-- but Audrina just can't get over that mumbling, inconsiderate, combat-boot-wearing Justin.

On to more important matters... Heidi and Holly discuss the Lauren situation ad nauseum: "You don't think I want to be catching up with her, seeing how her life has been over the last two years?" Heidi says to her sister -- Hmm, I'm pretty sure that Heidi could turn on MTV at any given moment and be able to catch herself up on the life of LC. (Or she could read this blog.)

Cut to commercial - Did anyone catch the Sonic ad that (I think) was meant to replicate The Hills, like, kind of? You might not have - It was a quick 30-second spot, but I found it really hard to concentrate on anything after they said 'banana pudding shake.' Too much salivating.

During weekly chat with Whitney, Lauren presents letter from Heidi, which Whit proceeds to read out loud. And the content - Can we say laaaame? The letter sounded like it was written by a polite kindergartner. She even signed it "Heidi Montag," like Lauren wouldn't have known who it was from without the surname, or even based on inane content alone. LC also aptly points out that even though Heidi apologizes in the letter, she still cannot blame Spencer for what happened.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Holly are chatting about the letter when -DUNDUNDUN- Spencer menacingly enters stage left and a hush falls over the room. He and Holly get into a sass-fight: Holly says Lauren "straight up" won't be friends with Heidi if Spencer is in the picture, but Spencer shushes Holly and smuggly takes credit for the discord between the friends.

Next week we've got Spencer threatening to move out if Holly isn't gone and Audrina taking her top off. Scaaandalous.

Here's another round of my Hills drinking game!

• Everytime Lo creepily stares at Holly, making comparisons to Heidi.
• Whenever Justin Bobby speaks "British"
• Whenever editing makes an awkward date look more awkward.
• Anytime you wonder what your life would would be like if Heidi never met Spencer.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

"You always miss a best friend"

Good thing tonight's half-hour of "The Hills" coincided with halftime of the Cowboys/Eagles game, or else I would have been mad I missed an exciting football game for a pretty pathetic episode.

As the promos promised, Holly spends some time with her sister's sworn enemy after Heidi and (of course) Spencer express some dissatisfaction with the whole situation. Lauren's skeptical about spending more time with Holly because she doesn't want to cause more problems like she did while hanging out with Spencer's sister.

Back in the Hills' house, things are suddenly rainbows and sunshine with Lauren, Lo and Audrina - I'm sure all that prior drama wasn't scripted at all. The girls head out to Audrina's work function, which -- um, Audrina works? I guess they needed to switch up the scenery a bit; splicing subtitles over dark nightclub scenes probably got a bit old for the production crew.

Justin Bobby bails. Audrina complains about how he doesn't show her he cares. This all is soooo last season. Moving on...

Heidi has lunch with her co-worker and we get a glipse of creative editing at its finest: While Heidi is reminiscing about her friendship with Lauren, LC is simultaneously admitting to Stephanie that she misses being with Heidi because, well, predictably, "You always miss a best friend."

Tonight's ep was a yawn-fest in my opinion, but it seems like stuff's gonna hit the fan next week when Lauren travels to Italy, leaving Stephanie the opportunity to move in on Doug. I guess when the Cheshire Cat's away, the former drug addicts will play.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you hear, "three musketeers" or "best friend."
  
• After every mention of an artist you've never heard of and their new music you don't care about.
• During any mention of nipple piercings.
  
• Whenever Holly is bland (pace yourself).
  
• Whenever you almost wish Spencer was in the episode more because these broads are putting you to sleep.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

So I've been a bit tardy on my 'Hills' updates. I didn't have a chance to write about last week's episode, but all I really missed was stupid Lauren broke up with Doug for like, no reason. And then MTV threw me for a loop this week by putting a new episode on Sunday before the VMAs, in an obvious and pathetic attempt to get people to watch the lackluster awards show. So here's a double shot for you...

In "Boys Make Girls Cry," the crew jetsets to Vegas for the night to celebrate Frankie's birthday. Stephanie's former drug problem (click for a terrible mugshot) comes to light and Brody calls her a 'complete psycho,' sending her to the girls' hotel room in tears. Lauren imparts her wisdom -- "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you" -- and then compassionately tells Stephanie to stop crying because it will ruin her blue eyeliner and she really doesn't have time to retouch it.

Things continue to be awkward between Lauren and Audrina. Apparently they're growing in different directions. Like, Lauren is an aspiring fashion designer who doesn't actually design any clothing and Audrina is an aspiring actress whose acting gig is a part in a reality television show. Yeah. Completely different directions.

In other news, Holly makes good on her sister's offer to move out to Hollywood and into her and Spencer's apartment. While shooting for a high score on his personal arcade game, Spencer complains to Heidi about having to live with another girl and having to see extra tampons in the house (I'm not making that up).

The best part of this episode: "What would you do if you were me and you wake up in the morning, do your average thing, walk out to go work out and your sister’s half-naked on the rowing machine erasing my TiVo rowing her little ass off?" The next time my grandma comes to stay, if she erases "Gossip Girl" on TiVo, she's out on her ass. Straight up.

The episode ends with a garbage cliffhanger: Doug and Brody are in jail. GASP! Except cut to Monday's episode, "Something Has to Change," and we find they were actually just filling out paperwork in a casino holding cell after some lune accosted them on the floor. And who knows if that's even true.

This entire episode is a long and uneventful buildup to Lauren and Audrina's 30-second 'what is happening to our friendship' conversation.

In the meantime, we've got Spencer telling Holly to move out and Holly disappearing for --ohmygod-- a few hours. Then there's JustinBobby giving Audrina advice on the roommate situation. You know, JustinBobby's eloquence as of late has been quite surprising. Perhaps he was on drugs the last two season and has finally cleaned up his act. Maybe he attended the same rehab center as Stephanie. Maybe it's just the haircut.

In the end, Audrina and Lauren have their long-awaited conversation and ultimately make amends, but not without LC throwing in a teary jab about having to awkwardly bob her head at Audrina's "weird" concerts. Poor Audrina; she must not have known when she was approached by producers to befriend these girls that listening to alternative music and having friends who are not blond would make her an outcast.

They hug and make up. Now that Audrina and Lauren have seemingly put their differences behind them, it looks like MTV has the stage set for a Lauren/Heidi reconciliation. I guess we'll find out next week.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time Frankie looks like he's gonna drunkenly make out with someone in Vegas.
  
• Whenever you should feel bad for Stephanie, but don't.
  
• Everytime you hear some version of, "We used to be such good friends..."
  
• During every a cry fest. Take a shot when you see black tears.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"

Let's do the Time Warp again?

As if MTV weren't slaughtering quality television enough, now they're going after a cult classic film and its musical 'integrity.'

Variety has reported that the network is planning a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" remake, tentatively to air on Halloween 2009.

The original executive producer (Lou Adler) and screenplay will likely be used, but music not in the original RHPS could be used. God help us if they sign Miley Cyrus for the job.

No cast has been announced, but Russell Brand--who will also be hosting the MTV Music Awards next weekend--is rumored to be considered for the lead role of Dr. Frank N Furter, originally played by Tim Curry.

An angry Web site has been created to combat the remake, urging RHPS fans far and wide to sign a petition. There's even a contest to submit the best anti-remake photo. It's not the want to introduce the film to young audiences that's driving MTV's motivation, the site contends, it's to exploitation and money.

"This abortion will be worse than the usual shit they pour down on our throats. Prepare for the 'Highschool Musical' version of Rocky ... or worse yet, the 'Hairsparay The Musical' version of Rocky." - stoptheremake.com

The original "Rocky Horror," starring Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick and Meatloaf, has grossed $140 million in domestic box office over the years, primarily from midnight screenings of the flick.

"Drama follows them"

In true MTV fashion, most of what was worth watching during Monday night's 'Hills' episode was already broadcast on previews for the show that ran throughout last week. But admittedly, that never stops me from tuning in...

Episode two focuses on Stephanie Pratt's birthday party -- Lauren is invited. Spencer and Heidi are invited, but pretend like they're not interested. Lo is going to tag along with Lauren, but Audrina might stop by. Doug is coming with Brody and Frankie.

Everyone attends and, much to my shock and surprise, awkward drama ensues!
Was anyone else completely confused by the Audrina/Lo interaction at the bar? Either Lo was bombed and giving Audrina googly eyes, or there was clearly something that happened off-camera. And after 30 seconds of switching close-ups of LC to Heidi to Spencer to Stephanie and back again, Spencer randomly barks, "Get those obnoxious girls out of here." Like, what? Kudos to Brody for peacing out of that drama cesspool.

The rest of the "good guys" follow suit, leaving Stephanie alone at her table with just "Speidi." Spencer maniacally laughs about the situation, probably because he feels empowered driving six people away from a VIP table and ruining his sister's birthday. Schmuck.

But the most gripping part of the episode (and that's dripping with sarcasm, I might add) is the conversation between Stephanie and Spencer in which we truly learn the depth of Spencer's wisdom. He tells his sister, "As long as you're running with that posse, you have nothing to do with my life. Straight up." But if that wasn't clear enough for her, he explains that attempting to get Spencer to get along with Lauren is like "trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along." I'm pretty sure he also used the term "un-brother" (in a noun form, nonetheless),

As promised, the next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you see an outfit made completely of sparkles.
• Every time you hear the word 'trust,' twice if it's from LC.
• Whenever you think that Kelly Cutrone is way too hideous to make people feel that awful about themselves.
  
• Every time there is foreshadowing of Stephanie going after Doug.
• Every time Doug is smoking hot.

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'

Back in 'The Hills'

Old news now, I know, but this week has been nuts.

For those of you who didn't tune into MTV's "The Hills" season premiere Monday, you weren't alone: Apparently ratings are down nearly 30 percent from the March premiere.

We step right back into the drama surrounding the girls' new house during Audrina's birthday party. The long and short of it? Audrina has friends that don't have Gucci sunglasses and blond hair and apparently they're abhorrent enough to send Lo to her room for an hour while the party was in full swing. The two have a moderately heated conversation in the poolhouse wherein Audrina tells Lo that they'll never be friends (whether that was audio spliced in while Audrina is off camera or not, who knows).

Lauren's got a new guy named Doug. He's hot. They go on a date and it's pretty obvious Lauren gets her conversation topics from her latest Cosmo magazine: Doug orders a beer -- "I think your drink says a lot about you...It says you're a guy's guy." Such stimulating conversation. I guess this lends some more credibility to Gavin's take on dating LC from last this year.
Spencer and Heidi are seemingly happy again and in pure scripted drama fashion, Heidi's sister unexpectedly arrives to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Spencer throws a temper tantrum and insults the breakfast Holly makes for him. As she's getting into her car for the airport, she tosses out the possibility of her moving out there aaaand perhaps she'll stay with them while she looks for a place, which pisses off the Gerber baby. Holly in Hollywood -- I smell another spinoff!

Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on the radio recently, "Speidi" said they think that Lauren is sick of doing the show (and apparently she's expressed that this could be the last season of it). But regardless of what LC decides, Spencer and Heidi say they're "just beginning" and would gladly continue doing the show. Spencer even 'selflessly' volunteered to takeover the voice over narration job.

I think the way I'll handle this season is by creating a Hills drinking game, like, every time XYZ happens, you take a drink. For this premiere episode:

• Every time Heidi hisses, "That's my sister," to Spencer.
• Every time you see a red mohawk.
• Whenever you think about how much you used to love Lo.
• Every time you wonder, "What does Spencer actually do all day?"

Please make it stop

Nowadays, I wouldn't bother posting about Tila Tequila. My adoration for her and her show skedaddled when she passed up Dani on the first season of "Shot at Love."

But I noticed that she's coming out with a new music album and the title had me doubled over in pain. The album, which Tila promises will be "the dopest album of the year," will be called "I HAVE TOURETTE'S!"

"PS-PLEASE REMEMBER THE TITLE OF THIS ALBUM SO YOU DON'T GET CONFUSED WITH OTHER STUFF THAT THE MEDIA TRIES TO PUT OUT OK???? MUAH! " she writes on her MySpace page, followed by a number of expletives, presumably in an attempt to show that she might actually have the disorder...? I don't know.

Does anyone else find that appalling? Or are you all just shaking your heads in disbelief that I can still be surprised by garbage like this?

And in other awful --but related-- news... MTV is currently casting for "A Shot at Love 3," only it looks like Tila will not be the subject of suitors' adoration this time around. Fill out an application here.

Tila's exclusion from the show might have something to do with her ass getting dumped at the end of season two, or the fact that she's got a new (and very rich) girlfriend. Courtney Semel, who is the heir of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, looks like a bore, though-- Team Dani for life!

RELATED LINKS
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That's A-stupid

Going through 'Hills' withdrawal?

August is just about two hours away at this point, and my fellow reporter, Steph, brought up a good point this week...

"When does 'The Hills' come back?!?!?"

That's a good question. How are we less than three weeks away from the season four premiere and there's barely been a blip on the MTV radar?

Hype or no hype, the fourth season of the Hollywood pseudo-reality show is quickly approaching. Tune in Aug. 18 at 10 p.m. to catch all the drama from past seasons carry on and some brand-spanking-new (undoubtedly scripted) drama unfold.

And be on the lookout for the Pussycat Dolls' new song, "When I Grow Up," to be featured during the premiere.

Lauren, Audrina and Whitney all apparently have some new men in their lives. The "Will Audrina move out?" drama continues. Stephanie Pratt is strangely reminiscent of Jen Bunny ala season two. Brody goes to jail? The newly reunited "Speidi" has some more trouble in paradise when Heidi --for some reason-- invites her sister to move in with them...and I already know I'm going to have trouble telling Heidi's sister and Spencer's sister apart. Does everyone in Hollywood really need to be that blond?

Take a look for yourself. Below is the full season four trailer. Who's excited?!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - BORE!

"A Shot at Love II with Tila Tequila" wrapped up last week and --not surprisingly-- there might be more Tila in MTV's future.

If you didn't care about the first season of "Shot at Love," then you certainly don't care about "Shot at Love II"-- even I didn't care enough to watch 3/4 of the season and I'm a terrible reality show hog.

But in case you missed the finale, Tila turned down stud muffin Bo for the Barbie-like Kristy...and Kristy turned around and rejected Tila's offer.

"I feel humiliated... hat's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?" Tila sobs at the end of the episode, which of course begs the response: Um, you're looking for love on an MTV reality show? Duh?

Kristy babbled something about not being ready for her first real relationship with a woman and that Tila's plastic key was more than just a plastic key.

Tonight, MTV aired the "One Shot Too Many"reunion show, but to my surprise, it was less of a 'let's bring all of our dumbass loser contestants on the show with lots of gimmicks' (ala Flavor of Love, etc.), and only featured the show's three biggest characters and their feelings about show's end result. It was a little more --dare I say--real.

Still, the reunion was pretty lackluster--just a lot of talking about feelings and dramatic pre-commercial music. Like an episode of Dr. Phil. A bi-sexual, semi-faux version of Dr. Phil mediated by an MTV personality no one has heard of.

The only pulse the reunion show could muster was when Tila was able to confront Kristy after two months without speaking. The basic gist is that Kristy says she wasn't ready, she felt they were just friends, she did the same thing to Tila that Tila did to 16 other people. She says that she didn't want to end up one of those fake reality couples that just break up, but like, what? What the hell were you on the show for?

And that was apparently Tila's reasoning, too, as she accuses Kristy of using her to get on television and disrespecting her very serious quest for love. At the end of the show, she angrily asks the host if she really needs to sit there and talk to Kristy anymore...awkwarrrrd.

"If this bitch don't shut the $^@# up, I'm gonna...Shut your $%^#ing trash hole, bitch," Tila yells. This launches Kristy into a fit of anger as she storms off the stage, yelling about how she doesn't deserve to be talked to like that on national television. And then the host awkwardly closes the show because he's the only one sitting on stage. Good times!

Tila posted this on her MySpace page regarding the reunion show:

Tune in to see what Kristy's fake ass has to say to me and her lame excuses! Watch me put a beat down on her ass! haha! yea right I wish....but tune in anyway cuz it'll be interesting. I finally get to tell that bitch off and now I'm happy to put all of this crap behind me! YAY!

Visit MTV Overdrive to watch the entire reunion show.

Rolling 'Hills'

If you haven't heard already, MTV's "The Hills" has been picked up for a fourth season, which will begin airing in August with 19 new episodes.

Let's hope this next season picks it up a notch. But judge for yourself--the season four trailer has hit the Web. See below.