Pig pandemic

As if the incessant coverage of the Swine Flu weren't scaring me enough...  :(

It's only a matter of time until we start seeing these commercials on TV, right?

Pageants and healthcare are about integrity, okay?

 With all the drama drama surrounding the Miss USA pageant last week, I feel the need to bring the attention off the question of gay marriage that [in my opinion] Miss California so totally flubbed and focus it on Miss Arizona's awesomely terrible "stance" on health care in America.

"SNL"/"All That"/"Keenan and Kel"/"Mighty Ducks" star Keenan Thompson (dressed to the nines in a hoodie) asks the pageant contestant, Alicia-Monique Blanco, if the United States should have universal health care as a right of citizenship. 

Taking a page right out of Miss South Carolina 2008's book ("Everywhere, like such as, the Iraq..."), Blanco declares the issue a matter of integrity... several times... and leaves us all scratching our heads.

Really? Did these girls not come prepared to answer questions like these? We just had a presidential election with bountiful coverage of every important issue plaguing our country --you had the "study guide" five months before the test, you witless loser.

Dream a dream of this lovely lass...

It's the new Internet sensation, but if you live under a rock and haven't seen it yet, please watch this clip from Britain's Got Talent. I find it hard not to weep, and I promise you it's not over the way this woman looks...

[watch Susan Boyle sing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables]

I couldn't embed the video for copyright reasons, but Susan Boyle, 47, certainly made her mark this week with her appearance on the original "American Idol"/"America's Got Talent" show. 

She's no looker -- and she probably turned a few stomachs with her sexy hip swivel in Simon Cowell's direction -- but Boyle sure can sing. Pretty amazing.

Harry Kalas passes away at 73

[NOTE] As promised, here is a tribute to the late Harry Kalas in the form of a special guest post from Dave.

"We lost our voice today" - Phillies President, David Montgomery

The Philadelphia Phillies family and the entire baseball world lost a beloved figure today in Harry Kalas, when he was found collapsed in the broadcast booth just after noon. He was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. Kalas was 73, and in his 38th season of broadcasting Phillies baseball.

While the entire city of Philadelphia is in a state of shock, we must remember that Harry died doing what he loved, which is something that cannot be said for most who have passed on. A man who called over 6,000 games in his career, his voice will always be synonymous with Phillies baseball.

For 38 years Philadelphians welcomed Harry Kalas into their homes whether on TV or radio; many can remember listening on tiny transistor radios when games were not televised. 610 WIP's Anthony Gargano recalled stories of his childhood, when his parents would order him to sleep on a school night, and the Phillies would be playing a 10 p.m. game on the West Coast. He would hide a silver transistor radio and fall asleep to the sweet sounds of Harry The K with the radio under his pillow.

Others in the Philadelphia media echoed these thoughts, affirming that there will never be a classier individual in the business.

"He was just such a genuinely nice guy, and there will never be anyone else like him", said my uncle, KYW 1060's Ed Benkin. "I remember meeting him when I was an intern at 6 ABC in college, and asking him to come on my talk radio show at Rowan. Without hesitation he gave me his home number and agreed. I still have the cassette tape of that show, and will keep it forever."

Baseball is very different from the other three major sports: Because of the downtime between pitchers, you hear stories and anecdotes from the announcers and really get to know them. Harry Kalas was a part of all of our families.

Personally, I know there were times at school or work when I would have a rough day, but come home and put on a Phillies game; things seemed just a little better when Harry was at the mic. He could get you through a tough day, or an entire two-hour drive.

Every kid in this area who played baseball with their friends, or little league, has envisioned in their heads Harry Kalas announcing their at bat. I know I certainly did.

Everyone has done an Harry Kalas impersonation. Some are better than others. But there will never be a voice like Harry's.

We'll always remember the "Long Drives" and the "Outta Heres." The "Can you believe it's" and the "Chase Utley, you are the man's." None of us will forget the nicknames of Mitchie-poo and the Krukker, or Mike Schmidt becoming Mich-ael Jack Schmidt.

I am sure when Harry got to the pearly gates of Heaven, his best friend in the world Richie Ashburn, "Whitey," was waiting there with a cigar, a gin and tonic and a few kind words. While we'll never hear him call another inning of Phillies baseball, somewhere up there, he is calling every pitch with "His Whiteness."

As for this Phillies fan, I know I'll never be able to watch another Phillies home run without the echoes of "Swing and a long drive..." in the back of my head. He'll never be replaced or duplicated. Growing up -- aside from my father's-- his is the most familiar voice of my childhood.

Harry Kalas is a part of every memory I have of Phillies baseball. From Mitch Williams striking out Bill Pecota to win the 1993 Pennant, to the heart break of Joe Carter's home run. From the Brett Myers curve ball to send the Phillies to the post season for the first time in 15 years, to Eric Hinske chasing a Brad Lidge slider low and away. Harry is a part of everything, and watching a Phillies ballgame will never be the same.

Harry, we'll forever love and remember everything about you. You will be deeply missed by all of us.

"PLEASE, let me be your Rock of Love..."

[NOTE] Leading up to this concert, I couldn't find many reviews -- mostly because this was only the third or fourth stop of this tour -- so I hope this helps people going to future concerts get an idea of what's in store.

As I mentioned last week, my girlfriends are fantastic for supporting my love of Bret Michaels and this weekend only elevated my irrational obsession of the "seasoned" rocker.

My four friends and I journeyed down to the House of Blues in Showboat Casino Friday night (March 20) for Bret's Atlantic City stop on the "Rock of Love Bus Tour."

We made it down in good time, but our 20-minute check-in and dimly lit hotel room made getting ready for the show a frantic mess of high heels, eyeliner and lingerie (What? Did you think we would show up to a Bret Michaels concert and not dress the part?).

Doors opened at 8 and the show was set to begin at 9, but we unfortunately got in there a little later than I had hoped and fans were jammed tight up to the stage. My friends and I scooted through the crowd and landed about 20-25 rows of people away from the stage. I wanted to get closer, but we were essentially stonewalled by people much larger than we. (Rachel would later say we were blocked by the "fat fortress.")

In my opinion, Bret brought the house down. His voice is a little gruffer than it used to be and he didn't play long (little more than an hour?), but his and the BMB's energy had the crowd -- hardcore Poison fans, Bret Michaels solo enthusiasts and reality television lovers alike -- dancing, jumping and unskinnybopping all over the place.

Bret was smiling the entire time, doing some dancing in his skintight jeans and repeatedly reaching out to the extended hands of fans pouring over the railings. He told mildly insightful stories about his songs (like writing "Every Rose" in a laundromat), reminded us that "ROL" has been the highest rated show on VH1 for three seasons and directed cameramen around the stage as they filmed segments for the channel.

The music was a mix of old Poison, new Bret Michaels Band and cover songs. He opened with the again-popular "Talk Dirty to Me" (for all the Guitar Hero fans in the room), ripped through the "oldest of the oldschool Poison" with "Look What the Cat Dragged In," ended with "Fallen Angel" and encored with "Nothing But a Good Time" (which I called from a mile away -- video below).

Bret also went oldschool with covers of "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Knocking on Heaven's Door." Of his newer material, he played the theme to his hit reality show, "Go That Far," the corny-but-catchy "Bittersweet" and --my favorite-- "Driven."

Looking back, I'm a little disappointed we didn't work to get backstage, and while I didn't get to meet Bret, my friends and I did manage to meet and get a hug from Chuck Fanslau, the drummer from the Bret Michaels Band (and who infamously kissed Beverly in ROLB ep. 4 -- pictured below)!

So, overall, Bret Michaels' solo concert was nothing but a good time and my friends and I are already planning to see Poison (with Def Leppard and Cheap Trick) in June when they kick off their tour in NJ in June -- whoo! And you can bet your extension-wearing, silicone-loving butt I'm going to be front row next time Bret comes to town ;)

New meaning to "passing" an ordinance

The greatest part of my new journalism job? No more boring Township Committee, Board of Education, Planning Board and Economic Development Council meetings. But, I must say, if something like this happened, it would have made those 19 months of monotanous meetings totally worth it.

In the middle of a Medina City Council meeting in Ohio last week, the sound of farting sent council members into a giggling fit, so much so they had to take a recess. I don't find this immature as much as I find it relieving that these people don't take their roles as local officials too too seriously.

Not quite sure who the perpetrator is (and it's likely the "fart application" for the iPhone), but that kid in the yellow shirt aptly appears at the same time the flatulance begins. Hmm...

'Oh, you guys can't breathe in outerspace?'

"Dark Knight" ads are popping up all over the place now that the movie is out on DVD and word just came out that Heath Ledger has been posthumously nominated for a Golden Globe. (Ledger, who played the Joker, will vie for the title of best supporting actor Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr., Ralph Fiennes and Philip Seymour Hoffman.)

All this Batman talk got me thinking about how awesome Dark Knight is and reminded me of a funny College Humor short I saw a few months back. I'm a Batman fan all the way (much more realistic, relative to other super heroes), but this made me laugh.




RELATED LINKS
Riddled with rumors
Dark curse?
Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint...and a Chupa Chup
Coasting by
"WHY SO SERIOUS?"
Update: Heath Ledger death an accident
Update: Heath Ledger's death
BREAKING NEWS: Actor Heath Ledger found dead

Chimpanzee riding on a Segway

So, I haven't been able to get this song out of my head ALL DAY. It's silly, yes, but it's damn catchy. (And moderately impressive, too. I've never tried riding one of those things, but I'd imagine it's tricky.)

Cosby's gone mad

I recently heard the audio of this on my favorite morning radio station and I could not believe how insane Bill Cosby has turned. He sounds like he's doing an impression of Kenan doing an impression of Bill Cosby on All That (remember that show??).

Anyway, take a look. He's out of control. He makes a bunch of crazy noises, forgets the name of the other team and cuts himself off for a commercial break.

Deja vu debating!

With just two days left til we pick a new prez', you've probably already decided for whom you're voting. This little video won't change your mind, but it should at least give you a good laugh.

Make sure you vote Tuesday! (Bet you've heard that before, too...)

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

"If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree"

I swear, I will get a 'Hills' update soon: I passively watched last night, and while the episode was pretty bland, I did find some things to poke fun at. I'll have to On Demand-it-up over the next few days and try to put together a comprehensive Hills fest of the last three episodes.

In the meantime, check out Lauren's appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night.

The first few minutes are somewhat awkward, with Letterman straight up telling Lauren that she's the reason why people on The Hills hate each other...and she has no idea how to react.

Lauren then discusses the show, the cast, her upcoming books and plans for the future--or tries to, as Letterman interrupts her every 2.5 seconds. Still, LC manages to slip in a great jab at Spencer (around 2:15 in).

Overall, Lauren seems pretty daft, but she's probably just too creeped out by Letterman drooling all over her. Check it out, particularly around 5:45 when Letterman starts giving his thoughts on Brody.



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Baby Mama's got a little one

You might have noticed that "Saturday Night Live" star Amy Poehler was sporting a little more than a baby bump in recent weeks, but bump-be-gone! Poehler is officially a mommy!

The "Baby Mama" star gave birth to her baby, Archie Arnett, on Saturday. The baby, born to Poehler and husband Will Arnett, was 8 lbs, 1 oz.

SNL has been infamously bad the last few yeares, but the election has revitalized a few of the skits. In honor of Poehler, I'm posting a video of the "Palin Rap," which made me laugh incredibly hard. It's gonna be a shame when Poehler leaves this year.


RELATED LINKS
Poehler peacing out
Fierce to the trannieth degree

The short on Port

My apologies for the lack of 'Hills' recaps lately. Admittedly, I've missed the last two episodes and have had no time to catch up...and until that happens, here's a little teaser for the new Hills spinoff, "The City," starring Whitney.

From what I can gather, there will be a bit less airhead conversation and bit more focus on the career path than The Hills offered; that's a good thing if we're trying to influence young women to get excited about being successful in a professional sense, but it's probaaably not going to be that good for ratings.

Then again, if Lauren makes good on her promise to quit filming the reality show, then I guess "The City" is all we got.

Hey, at least there's a guy with a hot Australian accent!



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over "The Hills"
Head from "The Hills"

Don't Vote!

Voter registration deadlines are a-coming! [Find your state's registration deadline here.] Are you registered? Do you know by when you need to do it? Do you care???

Maybe watching this PSA below will make you give a hoot - and if nothing else, Jonah Hill and Sarah Silverman will give you a laugh. Check out a slue of celebs telling you, "DON'T VOTE!"

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

NFL worthy?

I'm currently smack-dab in the middle of another NFL Sunday, and while I'm pretty pleased with the results of games and my fantasy players' stats so far, I haven't seen anything like this yet...

Morgan State's Edwin Baptiste made a ridiculous one-handed catch on a pass from quarterback Carlton Jackson during this weekend's game against Winston-Salem State. The Bears defeated the Rams 21-7.

You should probably watch this more than once. And get another look at it on ESPN's E:60 this Tuesday at 6 p.m. Pretty sick.




[UPDATE] Big ups to New Jersey - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have been announced as the main halftime performance at the 2009 Super Bowl. The game will be played at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa on Sunday, Feb. 1 and air on NBC. The news came during halftime of tonight's Eagles/Bears game on NBC.

I'm singing M-to the-C-to the M-to the A...

After years of sidekicking the "Tonight Show," making children's dreams come true on "Star Search" and delivering those big ass Publisher's Clearing House checks to small towners, Ed McMahon now plans to spread the love as a rapper for FreecCreditReport.com.

Think of it as his own personl bailout plan...

McMahon, who recently revealed he was fighting foreclosure after falling $644,000 behind on mortgage payments on his Beverly Hills home, will be featured wearing a tracksuit, being chauffeured around LA in a Cadillac Escalade golf cart and spitting lyrics about his very public financial troubles.

"When I retired, I was famous/I had money and glory/ I bought a house for 6 mill/I thought nothing could touch me/ Until my credit went south, and debt started to crunch me/ Next thing I know, instead of playing gin rummy, I was scrambling just to make ends meet/It wasn't funny," so the rap goes.

The spots will appear in two viral videos, set to be released online in October.

Charles Harris, FreeCreditReport.com's vice president of strategic marketing, said the company sought out McMahon to star in the humorous spots after seeing him openly discuss his finances on "Larry King Live." Harris said McMahon represents "a man who is taking charge."

I think it's brilliant. Does anyone remember when FreeCreditReport.com's old commercials just had a lady singing "Freeee credit report dot com!" and that was it? Probably not because they were lame. Women are crooning over the indie boys in the new commercials and people everywhere can't get the songs out of their heads. I'm sure these new ones will be no exception. The Web site even has the "As seen on TV" logo on its mainpage. Talk about hamming it up.

This one is my fav.

Oops-skee

Follow me on my train of thought here:

I was looking at pictures from a weekend bar outing my friends and I went on this weekend, and I started thinking about what we used to do for social gatherings before we were old enough to drink: go to the mall, the movies, Friendly's (ew)--hey, whatever happened to going to Chuck-E-Cheese?

The pizza that always looked better on TV than it did in front of you, the person who had to dress up as the rat mascot (I knew someone who had to do that when she worked there in college) and--of course--playing Skee Ball. That game was the shit, right?

I remember one time I got my fingers slammed by a ball that was returning down that slot, but I think that's as far as my Skee Ball injuries extend; the little boy in this video, however, isn't so lucky, and unfortunately for him, he's not getting too much sympathy from the man taking the video.



And either that girl had it in for that cute little kid or she just really sucks at Skee Ball and can't keep it in her lane.

'Hole' lotta laughs

If you're like me, you've spent your entire day watching the first Sunday of the NFL season... and that means you've probably seen the commercial for FOX's new game show, "Hole in the Wall."

But if you haven't, you need to watch the clip below. Ignore the urge to condescend simplistic and slapstick humor -- people being smacked by a moving wall in an attempt to win money is funny.



FOX may not be leading its fall lineup with the best programming, but it's certainly got my attention!

Contestants contort their bodies to fit through holes in a moving wall. If they are unsuccessful, as it appears many of them will be, they get knocked into a pool. The winning team receives $25,000 and gets to take on the Blind Wall (seemingly even more impossible than the regulation round) for a chance at an additional $100,000.

The show, which will air a sneek peak at 8 p.m. tonight, is taken from a popular Japanese television show, if that's any indication of what hilarity will ensue.

And if that's not enough to whet your viewing appetite, maybe the 300-pound woman attempting to fit through a figure skater-sized hole will.

Like something out of 'Thriller'

I know I'm a few days late on the Michael Jackson birthday jokes, so I won't even try. But I stumbled across this photo slideshow of the King of Pop's 50 years of faces and I couldn't not share it.

Click here to see the show. The transition is not only mind-boggling, but it's so terrifying I should have waited til Halloween to post it.

And as a backward belated birthday wish to Michael, check out the video below. Just, uhh, replace every 'Lisa' with 'Michael'...?

Phelps v. Ocho

Michael Phelps may be going for eight gold medals in Beijing this year, but that's not the Ocho I'm talking about...

On ESPN's Pardon the Interruption last night, Cincinnati Bengal's wide receiver Chad Johnson gave Wilbon and Kornheiser "five good minutes," which included an outright challenge to the seemingly untouchable Phelps. Check it out below (about 4 minutes in). Apparently we had no idea that Olympic talent is swimming rampant in the inner-cities.



Overall, Chad --otherwise known as Ocho Cinco by way of my favorite interview ever-- seemed pretty subdued during the interview, even during the awkward and heartwarming threat against quarterback Carson Palmer, who was standing behind him. On this morning's Sportscenter, a clip of him at training camp showed that he was being threatened with fines from management to talk to the media.

And while we're on the topic of Chad... Word on the street is that the wide receiver has taken the first steps to officially changing his last name from 'Johnson' to 'Ocho Cinco' to avoid getting improper jersey fines when he wears the incorrect Spanish translation of his number 85 on his back. He's a headcase, but I love him.