If there were CNN.com in Hell...

Hilarious image from holytaco.com! Click photo for a better view.

Major FAILs of the week

I'm starting a new weekly feature at The Jerc Store: "Major FAILs of the week" will be a selection of hilarious 'fail' photos from failblog.org. The site encourages you to share "fails, pwns and owns with the world" by sending in your photos/videos to failpictures@gmail.com.

So without further ado, here are your major FAILs of the week...


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures

"If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree"

I swear, I will get a 'Hills' update soon: I passively watched last night, and while the episode was pretty bland, I did find some things to poke fun at. I'll have to On Demand-it-up over the next few days and try to put together a comprehensive Hills fest of the last three episodes.

In the meantime, check out Lauren's appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night.

The first few minutes are somewhat awkward, with Letterman straight up telling Lauren that she's the reason why people on The Hills hate each other...and she has no idea how to react.

Lauren then discusses the show, the cast, her upcoming books and plans for the future--or tries to, as Letterman interrupts her every 2.5 seconds. Still, LC manages to slip in a great jab at Spencer (around 2:15 in).

Overall, Lauren seems pretty daft, but she's probably just too creeped out by Letterman drooling all over her. Check it out, particularly around 5:45 when Letterman starts giving his thoughts on Brody.



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Baby Mama's got a little one

You might have noticed that "Saturday Night Live" star Amy Poehler was sporting a little more than a baby bump in recent weeks, but bump-be-gone! Poehler is officially a mommy!

The "Baby Mama" star gave birth to her baby, Archie Arnett, on Saturday. The baby, born to Poehler and husband Will Arnett, was 8 lbs, 1 oz.

SNL has been infamously bad the last few yeares, but the election has revitalized a few of the skits. In honor of Poehler, I'm posting a video of the "Palin Rap," which made me laugh incredibly hard. It's gonna be a shame when Poehler leaves this year.


RELATED LINKS
Poehler peacing out
Fierce to the trannieth degree

Don't Vote!

Voter registration deadlines are a-coming! [Find your state's registration deadline here.] Are you registered? Do you know by when you need to do it? Do you care???

Maybe watching this PSA below will make you give a hoot - and if nothing else, Jonah Hill and Sarah Silverman will give you a laugh. Check out a slue of celebs telling you, "DON'T VOTE!"

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

RIP Bernie Mac

Breaking news: Comedian and actor Bernie Mac died this morning from complications from pneumonia. He was 50 years old.

Mac suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

Mac had a stacked resume, including two movies and two television stints in post-production. He appeared in the "Ocean's" trilogy, "Transformers," "Bad Santa," "Don't Be a Menace...," and of course, "The Bernie Mac Show," for which he was twice nominated for an Emmy and once for a Golden Globe. He also penned a memoir about his childhood entitled, "Maybe You Never Cry Again."

Click here to read more.

RIPs

Because it's been so long since my last post, I decided to combine the moderately recent passing of a talented journalist with the very recent passing of a memorable comedian.

While I was on vacation (June 13), longtime "Meet the Press" moderator, Washington bureau chief and one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people--Tim Russert--died of a heart attack. [For more on Russert's death, click here]

As an American, it's hard to ignore a untimely death of a public figure...but as a fellow journalist (albeit on a much more amateur level), it's sad to see one of the good ones go. Journalists aren't always known as the cuddliest of professionals, but Russert will forever be lauded as an extremely talented and respectable man whose influence on this country and this profession will not soon be forgotten.

More recently, comedian/actor/"disturber of peace" George Carlin died Sunday of heart failure. And for your sake, I hope you've seen at least one of his HBO comedy specials, listened to one of his many comedy albums or at least watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."

The Associated Press distributed a comprehensive obituary this week, so rather than me try to reiterate Carlin's career...

LOS ANGELES (AP) — George Carlin, the dean of counterculture comedians whose biting insights on life and language were immortalized in his "Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV" routine, died Sunday. He was 71.

Carlin, who had a history of heart trouble, went into St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica complaining of chest pain and died of heart failure later that evening, said his publicist, Jeff Abraham. He had performed as recently as last weekend at the Orleans Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas.

Carlin constantly breached the accepted boundaries of comedy and language, particularly with his routine on the "Seven Words" — all of which are taboo on broadcast TV to this day.

When he uttered all seven at a show in Milwaukee in 1972, he was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace, freed on $150 bail and exonerated when a Wisconsin judge dismissed the case, saying it was indecent but citing free speech and the lack of any disturbance.

The words were later played on a New York radio station, resulting in a 1978 Supreme Court ruling upholding the government's authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language during hours when children might be listening.

Despite his reputation as unapologetically irreverent, Carlin was a television staple through the decades, serving as host of the "Saturday Night Live" debut in 1975 — noting on his Web site that he was "loaded on cocaine all week long" — and appearing some 130 times on "The Tonight Show."

He produced 23 comedy albums, 14 HBO specials, three books, a few TV shows and appeared in several movies, from his own comedy specials to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" in 1989 — a testament to his range from cerebral satire and cultural commentary to downright silliness (sometimes hitting all points in one stroke).

Carlin won four Grammy Awards for best spoken comedy album and was nominated for five Emmys. Last week, it was announced that Carlin was being awarded the 11th annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, which will be presented Nov. 10 in Washington and broadcast on PBS.

Sex obviously sells

Congrats to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte--

The ladies proved this weekend that sex sells, as the "Sex and the City" movie's opening weekend numbers trumped the opening weekend sales of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

I absolutely refuse to give away any bit of the SATC movie, but two of my girlfriends and I went opening night to see it, and I must say...If you are a woman who's seen even one episode of this show and you still haven't seen the film, what in the name of Manolo Blahnik are you waiting for??

The ladies have obviously aged, but I don't care what Maxim has to say: Sarah Jessica Parker looks stunning in this movie.

And two warnings: If you're a crier at movies, pack your tissues. My friend Jenn and I cried for a good hour of the movie. It's a tad more depressing in parts than you might like. And also, the movie is 2.5 hours long, so go easy on the pre-show martinis.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be glad you didn't drag your grudging boyfriend to the film for him to complain about how unrealistic it is to spend $500 on shoes or how unattractive he finds Miranda to be.

Here's the trailer:

F-bomb on NBC

There's nothing I love more than live flubs on television and awkward moments--especially ala local news broadcasts--and this one is phenomenal.

Sue Simmons, a longtime NBC news anchor in NYC, was reading a tease during the 10 p.m. for the upcoming 11 o'clock news...only she didn't know it was airing live. Just as Simmons finishes teasing a package about grocery prices, B-roll of a cruise ship plays across the screen and she yells, well, go ahead and watch for yourself...



Haaaa. I especially love the more than eight seconds of silence that follow the blatant expletive.

When the news program aired at 11, Simmons offered an apology.

"I have to acknowledge an unfortunate incident... I used a word that many people find offensive. It was a mistake I made and I'm truly sorry."--Sue Simmons

NBC did not comment further.

RELATED LINKS
Muff-ing up on live television is always fun times

I'd start going to church every Sunday if it sounded like this

Please watch this...and no matter how terrible you think it is, don't give up on it. It gets so much better right around the 2:10 mark. This guy would totally dominate the religious hymn version of Rock Band...PSYCH.



Worst Singer Ever Omazing Grace - Watch more free videos

Conan's creepy priest to do penance

Updating a previous item:

Father David Ajemian, the priest who has reportedly been stalking Conan O'Brien since they went to Harvard together, apologized in court Tuesday and pleaded guilty to lesser charges of disorderly conduct after prosecutors withdrew charges of aggravated harassment and stalking, misdemeanors that are punishable by up to 90 days in jail.

Father Ajemian has also been ordered to stay away from O'Brien for two years....What?? Shouldn't it be like, forever?

The priest did not say in court why he was stalking Conan, but had previously said he wanted a "public confession" or "a spot on Conan's couch."

RELATED LINKS:
Hell hath no fury like a creepy priest

A whole lot of 'f*cking'

I cannot get this song out of my head now. I thought that I had posted the original "I'm f*cking Matt Damon" song on here a few weeks ago, but apparently that took a back seat to baseball.

Regardless, watch that clip first--it's hilarious. And if you don't watch that first, this next clip will mean nothing. [click here to watch the original...and click here to watch the Ben Affleck response]

And so now, if you're all caught up on your Matt Damon-f'ing, check out the following clip, entitled, "I'm f*cking Obama." I don't like to talk politics on this blog, but this has nothing to do with campaigning. It's just fantastic.

Help the children!

I got this information via Facebook event, and I'd like to put the word out for readers to lend a hand - it takes like, three seconds, and it's for a great cause!

Colgate-Palmolive and Starlight Starbright Children’s Foundation have teamed up this year to help children with Sickle Cell Disease and their families cope by providing 'Fun Centers' in hospitals, and St. Christopher's Hospital for Children in Philadelphia is in the running.

I know many readers are not from the Philly area, so I guess you could vote for another hospital if you really wanted to...but if it doesn't make a difference to you, vote for St. Chris' and help the kiddies!

Besides, Philly can't win Super Bowls or World Series or Stanley Cups...(haha, sorry, had to put that in there), you can help them win something!

Click here to vote!

Don't be chicken, bawk-bawk-bakawwwk!

Just as they hatched a marketing plot on the heels of Stephen Colbert's presidential bid, KFC has set up a Super Bowl marketing campaign centered around the most loathed song and dance of all time: The Chicken Dance.

The fast food restaurant has offered $260,000 to charity in the name of the first Patriots or Giants player to do the damn dance in end zone during next week's Super Bowl showdown.

This could also be made better if KFC offered free sauceless wings during an obscure time frame on some idle Tuesday when the players does the dance, following in Taco Bell's World Series speedy footsteps.

The player would need to do the "flapping part" of the dance for at least three seconds. (And the $260,000 is what it would cost for three seconds of advertising time during the Super Bowl, with the going rate for a 30-second segment at $2.67 mill.)

Click here for instructions on how to do this chicken dance. No, seriously, there really are instructions available.

But leave it to the NFL to not have a sense of humor. Spokesman Brian McCarthy said that players can celebrate as they normally would during the Super Bowl, but if anyone busts out that chicken dance, they will be subjected to fines.

He made some obscure American Idol reference to try to be funny, but really, don't you think they're getting just slightly bent out of shape over this? I mean come on, it's for charity. They're letting freaking Paula Abdul perform during half-time - they must be fans of charity.

I'm pretty sure there's a Lorena Bobbit joke in this somewhere...

You'd think a 25-year-old guy could handle a few dicks drawn on his face after passing out on his friend's couch. Isn't that just the way it goes when you're the first one down for the count?

Well apparently Scott Masse, of Tennessee, didn't like what his friends drew on him and drew something of his own: a knife.

Masse woke up around 1 a.m. and realized that "someone had drawn a picture of a male genitalia on his face with black marker while he was asleep," according to the police report. He allegedly pulled a pocket knife and said he would start cutting people if he didn't find out who drew on him.

Dude, chill out?

The man scrubbed away the marker...just in time for his mugshot. and now he'll face felony charges when he appears in court March 6.

IKEA Sweet IKEA

Comedian Mark Malkoff, who works as a ticket handler for "The Colbert Report," won't be staying at friends' houses or in a hotel while his New York apartment is fumigated this week.

Instead, the 31-year-old will be staying at an IKEA store in Paramus, N.J., and documenting the experience on his Web site: Mark Malkoff Lives in IKEA. The videos are a little scripted in parts, but it's still awesome. The guy is living in an IKEA storefront and jumping on beds and wearing bathrobes that don't belong to him.

And by the looks of the videos, he's making a lot of friends in the store--employees, staff, customers...

The sinks and toilets don't work in his room, though, so the comedian will be using the employee locker room and using the cafeteria to cook meals he buys himself.

Malkoff contacted the store three weeks ago and they agreed to the arrangement, saying that it'd be fun, but he has to be out by the time the store closes Saturday night (IKEA is completely closed on Sundays).

Oddly enough, Malkoff's wife opted to stay with relatives while the apartment is unavailable. Bad decision, lady. This setup looks awesome.

If you want to visit Mark, you've gotta get out to the store by tomorrow night:
IKEA
100 IKEA Dr.100 IKEA Dr.
Paramus, NJ 07652
201-843-1881

Stand up, comedian

Dave Chappelle has broken his own Laugh Factory endurance record, after telling jokes for six hours and 12 minutes Sunday.

His previous record was six hours and seven minutes, set in Mid-April. Apparently Dave heard Dane Cook--who held the record before Chappelle--was going to attempt to break the record.

But Dane will probably break it by stealing six hours worth of Chappelle's material and throwing in a few cadence-ly challenged jokes at the end. "I'm Dane Cook, biotch!"

President of poultry

While Stephen Colbert's U.S. presidential hopes have been squelched, KFC would like to extend an invitation to Colbert to preside over the fried chicken cartel for a day.

KFC sent a letter to the Comedy Central host today, detailing possible presidential duties. Colbert would first be sworn in by placing his hand on the book containing the Colonel's secret recipe, according to KFC President Gregg Dedrick.

"Your first official duty would be to help us sort the "left wings" from the "right wings. We'd also like you to hold a 'State of the Chicken' address with some of America's most dedicated restaurant managers. One of the best things about being KFC president for a day is that you don't have to choose sides. We have plenty of mashed potatoes and gravy, cole slaw and macaroni and cheese to go around, and KFC will allow you the liberty of enjoying all of our sides!"

Colbert hasn't returned word yet on whether or not he'll reign over the KFC White House, but it's apparent that KFC will stop at nothing to whore itself out with celebrities--do we remember the American Idol Sanjaya/bowl-cut stunt?

Hell hath no fury like a creepy priest

A creepy priest, who has stalked John McEnroe because he assaulted him in 7th grade, has set his Godly sight on Conan O'Brien. No worries--he's been arrested.

Father David Ajemian has been "tracking" Conan since they went to Harvard together. He even contacted Conan's parents in their Massachusetts home.

In previous letters he's sent, signed as "Padre," and written on his church's letterhead, he mentios shooting Conan at his Manhattan high-rise and kidnap him like Robert DeNiro's character does to Jerry Lewis in "The King of Comedy." He wants a "public confession" or a "spot on Conan's couch."

Maybe they'll bring him on while the writers are on strike?

Trumpet Talent

-------
Music. Dancing. Action. Star Wars. Tone deaf.
Please, for the love of God, watch this video. I promise it will be one of the funniest thing you've seen today. It's a shame talent competitions aren't this diverse anymore.
-------