Prostitute 'slap-chopped' by the ShamWow guy

I'm an infomercial junkie and the ShamWow! ranks right up there with the Magic Bullet and Snuggie as one of my favs. So, naturally, I was pretty upset to hear that the magic towel salesman, Vince Shlomi, was recently arrested for assaulting a hooker.

According to reports, Shlomi -- also known as "Vince Offer" -- paid 26-year-old prostitute Sasha Harris $1,000 in February for "straight sex." But, as he told police, the woman bit his tongue while kissing him and refused to let go. He then punched her several times and ran into the hotel lobby to call police.

I guess it's pretty unlucky that his other highly tauted infomercial is for the "Slap Chop." (And ironically enough, he quips "You're gonna love my nuts" during the demonstration. See below for the remixed version.)



Both were charged with battery. Check out the pics courtesy of The Smoking Gun. They're pretty gruesome:



Funny -- I can't look at those pictures without saying, 'wow' every time. Thanks, Vince!

Thanks, TJS!

OJ: convicted to a pulp!

I apologize for the day-old "breaking news" - Comcast sucks and I've been without (and continue to be without) Internet for two days now...

OJ Simpson was found guilty of armed robbery Saturday and could now spend the rest of his life in prison.

Check out how eery this is: He was convicted of a crime that took place on Sept. 13 and found guilty on the 13th anniversary of his murder acquittal. On top of that, the jury deliberated for 13 hours after a 13-day trial. Guess it was his lucky day!

The 61-year-old Hall of Fame football star was convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery and 10 other charges for gathering five men a year ago and storming a room at a hotel-casino to seize Simpson sports mementos — including game balls, plaques and photos — from two collectors. Prosecutors said two of the men with him were armed; one said Simpson had asked him to bring a gun.

Kidnapping is punishable by five years to life in prison. Armed robbery carries a sentence of at least two years behind bars and could bring as much as 30.

Now, I think OJ dying in jail is appropriate - he killed his wife and Ron Goldman and got away with it - but he definitely got shafted as far as jury selection: 11 of the 12 jury members were White and one was Hispanic. Nine of the 12 were women. So, essentially he's got a bunch of white females like myself determining his sentencing - justice at last! haaaa.

Don't mess with New York...?

From Reuters:

A New York Yankees' fan was accused on Monday of murdering a Boston Red Sox supporter and injuring another by running both down with a car after a heated argument over one of America's oldest sporting rivalries.

Ivonne Hernandez, 43, pleaded not guilty on Monday to reckless second-degree murder, aggravated driving while intoxicated and two counts of reckless conduct after the incident in a Nashua, New Hampshire parking lot last Friday.

Prosecutors say Hernandez was drunk when she drove her car across a dirt parking lot outside the Nashua City Hall into Matthew Beaudoin, 29, and Maria Hughes, 21, after exchanging words with them about the Yankees and Red Sox baseball teams.

The spat began at a local bar where Hernandez said she was a Yankees fan, according to witnesses quoted by the Nashua Telegraph newspaper.

It then spilled outside where a group that included Beaudoin chanted "Yankees suck!" when they saw a Yankees sticker on the rear window of Hernandez's car, New Hampshire's Assistant Attorney General, Susan Morrell, told Reuters in a telephone interview.

She told Nashua District Court that Hernandez drove directly at the group and did not brake, hitting Beaudoin.

"The forensic evidence at the scene indicates tire tracks going about 200 feet that did not swerve or brake," Morrell said. "He went onto the windshield and then when the car hit the parking meter he was ejected," she added.

Beaudoin died of massive head trauma, she added. Hughes suffered minor injuries.

Hernandez told police she had only wanted to scare the group. She was ordered held without bail.

Hit me with your best shot--liar awayyy

I guess when "I'm sick" is no longer a viable excuse for getting out of work, you've gotta come up with some more creative excuses.

And that's exactly what Daniel Kuch did--he creatively (and stupidly) asked his friend to shoot him in the arm to get out of work and avoid taking a drug test.

Kuch told police that he was involved in a drive-by shooting while jogging, but later 'fessed up. I know the question here should be 'why would you ever purposely get shot to get out work?' but I really just wanna know why he would admit to it after the fact. He coulda gotten away with it...

The friend has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch is expected to be charged with false reporting.

Update: Heath Ledger's death

From The New York Post's Page Six:

January 31, 2008 -- HEATH Ledger had become a regular user of cocaine and heroin in the past year, getting so high on drugs that an exasperated Michelle Williams was forced to boot him out of their Brooklyn home, The Post has learned.

"She couldn't take it any more. Heath wouldn't show up for two to three days, and all of a sudden he would show up on her doorstep, an absolute wreck," a member of Ledger's entourage who did drugs with him told The Post's Lorena Mongelli. "He was partying, doing drugs. She didn't like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah."

The revelation comes as "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider" said that "out of respect for Heath Ledger's family," they would drop plans to air a video of Ledger snorting cocaine with a rolled-up bill at the Chateau Marmont. The video was taped without Ledger's knowledge following the SAG Awards two years ago. PageSix.com reports that Ledger quips on the tape, "I'm gonna get so much [bleep] from my girlfriend. We have a baby together, Matilda."

Heath's drug pal told The Post the 28-year-old star's mushrooming fame had him constantly exposed to drugs. As the pressures of work grew, he couldn't say no, and then wouldn't get help. "He was hanging out with a bad crowd. He wasn't cleaning up his act. He was making absolutely no effort . . . He was really into heroin. He wasn't sleeping or communicating with anyone."

Page Six usually has the hook-up, but I don't want to validate any rumors. I'm just passing along information that could eventually turn up something significant.

'Give to me your paraphernalia, take from me my Lace'

You might not be pumped for NBC's reinvention of American Gladiators, perhaps because it's a WWE-ified version of its former self? Whatever happened to Zap, Diamond, Nitro...?

Well, I don't know about the rest of them, but Los Angeles PD busted former Gladiator babe Lace for possession of drug paraphernalia last week.

Lace? Drugs? Gosh, the joke is almost too easy. Maybe Blaze will get busted for marijuana next week.

Lace, also known as Marisa Pare, was held on $250 bail.

RELATED LINKS:
"Gladiators, are you ready?"

And a partridge in a pear tree?

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said more than 200 animals were seized from a Texas home last night, including: 68 dogs, 26 hissing cockroaches, 16 rabbits, 15 guinea pigs, 13 gerbils, seven doves, two dwarf hamsters, two bearded dragons, two hedgehogs, an opossum and a pink toe tarantula.

What the...?

The Harris County Sheriff's Department issued a warrant on the house for medical neglect. The SPCA said some animals were found in outdoor pens while others were in sheds scattered around the property. Others were in a doublewide trailer living in filth.

No word yet on who was responsible for the property or if arrests will be made.

Police: 'Olly olly oxen free!'

It was like a game of hide-and-seek when a group of burglars broke into a 21-year-old woman's Utah home Thursday morning.

The college student had just returned home from class when she saw the men, who had been scoping out homes that looked unoccupied, knocking her door. After she didn't answer, they broke in through a downstairs window. She ran upstairs, grabbed a cordless phone and hid in her closet to call 911, while the men ravaged her home.

Then, one burglar entered the closet where she was hiding, looking for anything valuable, and literally knocked into the woman's boots but did not see her.

When police arrived, they called out in the most cliche way possible: "Come out with your hands up," and the men, who had now gathered in the same room as the woman, grew frantic. One of the men scurried back into the closet, hiding right up next to the woman.

An officer entered to home and approaching the room, the woman fled the closet, yelling, "He's in here! He's in here!" when really she should have been yelling, "Tag, you're it!"

"He just kind of looked at me with this really confused face, like, 'What the hell?"' she said.

Adam Cloward, 22; Jake Hampton, 26; and Tony Cone, 19, were booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of various charges including aggravated burglary, theft and criminal mischief. All of the men were also either on parole or probation. Police also recovered two knives and brass knuckles from the men.

Pack-ing tape

For my friend Dave, I'll say, "And they thought Philadelphia fans were bad..."

A story has emerged out of a Portage, Wisc. in which a boy who refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during Saturday's playoff game had the shirt taped to his body by his father.
According to police, Mathew Kowald, 36, held his 7-year-old son down for an hour to make him wear that jersey.

Kowald was taken to county jail after being cited for disorderly conduct and released yesterday after paying a $186 fine.

When contacted by a local paper, the man said the incident started as a joke. He said his son challenged him, saying he wouldn't root for the Packers. Kowald claimed that when he restrained his son and started taping him, the boy was laughing and taking it as a joke...until the boy felt like he couldn't get out and got scared.

The man's wife was the one who called authorities during the incident and took pictures with her cell phone as evidence. She filed a restraining order against Kowald and he will no longer be allowed to have contact with his family. Sounds a little fishy to me...

RIP Renfro

Actor Brad Renfro was found dead in his Los Angeles home tonight.

The cause of death is currently unknown, but the former childhood actor had been struggling with drugs and alcohol addiction for several years. In 2005, he attempted to buy heroin from an undercover cop and served time in jail during May 2006 for those charges and a DWI.

Renfro debuted in "The Client" at age 12, and also starred in "Sleepers," "Deuces Wild," "Apt Pupil" and "The Jacket. He just finished shooting a movie called The Informers with Winona Ryder, Mickey Rourke and Billy Bob Thorton, according to IMDB.

This entry will be updated as more information becomes available.

I'm pretty sure there's a Lorena Bobbit joke in this somewhere...

You'd think a 25-year-old guy could handle a few dicks drawn on his face after passing out on his friend's couch. Isn't that just the way it goes when you're the first one down for the count?

Well apparently Scott Masse, of Tennessee, didn't like what his friends drew on him and drew something of his own: a knife.

Masse woke up around 1 a.m. and realized that "someone had drawn a picture of a male genitalia on his face with black marker while he was asleep," according to the police report. He allegedly pulled a pocket knife and said he would start cutting people if he didn't find out who drew on him.

Dude, chill out?

The man scrubbed away the marker...just in time for his mugshot. and now he'll face felony charges when he appears in court March 6.

'Oh sh*t...'

A man who destroyed a neighbor's yard and fence while driving under the influence was pretty much shit outta luck Wednesday. That's because police found the proof they needed to tie him to the accident on the bottom of his shoes.

That's right. He was in deep doo-doo in more ways than one.

The yard that the Virginia man crashed into belonged to a man who owned four dogs and the suspect stepped in some dog doo before fleeing the scene, and proceeded to track it down the street. While police were following the poopsteps, they saw a white van swerving toward them and asked the driver to get out.

Josue Herrios-Coronilla, 18, reeked of alcohol and was charged with driving while impaired and drinking underage and released on $1,500 bail. That stinks, haaaaa.

Stick a fork in him

This is one of the most disgusting news stories I've seen: Police are saying that a 25-year-old Dallas man allegedly killed his girlfriend and then cooked her remains after they found her ear boiling in a pot on the stove and a slab of human flesh on the table with a fork in it.

Christopher McCuin told his mother to go in the garage Saturday and "see what he had done," and after they fled the scene for help, McCuin called police. Authorities are still unsure if the man had actually eaten any parts of the body.

McCuin is also being charged with stabbing the lover of his estranged wife prior to the slaying of his girlfriend, Jana Shearer. Police believe that the 21-year-old Shearer was abducted from her home after she left the home with no shoes, purse or cell phone Friday night. Neighbors said they had hurt the couple loudly fighting in the past.

I don't know if this guy was delusional and seriously wanted to eat his girlfriend or if he was just looking for a way to make national news, which is so often the case nowadays. This reminds me of that book "Two Bottles of Relish" by Lord Dunsany, except this guy was forthright in his means of murder and was almost bragging about it. Disgusting.

McCuin was charged with capital murder. He was being held in the Smith County Jail on a $2 million bond yesterday and did not have an attorney, officials said. He is scheduled to be arraigned today, and Texas will give him the death penalty for this heinous crime. Good thing this wasn't in New Jersey.

Blowing for the record

As New Year's Eve approaches and images of champagne wishes and caviar dreams--alright, maybe Miller Light wishes and potato chip dreams in some cases--dance in your head, please don't forget to be safe. Drinking and driving is bad.

Just ask Meagan Harper, the 30-year-old Oregon woman who has set the female record for highest blood alcohol content after police found her passed out in the parking lot of a pizza place.

Harper blew a 0.55, which is seven times the legal limit in Oregon. This level of intoxication, according to the Rutgers University Center of Alcohol Studies, would require a 100-pound man or woman to consume roughly 10 drinks in an hour or a 200-pound man to drink about six drinks each hour for four hours.

That's impressive; I have two light beers in an hour and I'm down for the count. What's even more impressive is how functional she looks in her mugshot.

Harper was arrested and taken to the hospital. Her bail was set at $50,000. Harper has three previous DUI charges, one while she was at the helm of a boat. Idiot.

The woman, who is 5'11 and 130 pounds, fell just short of breaking the all-time BAC record, held by Willard Ashley III. The Indiana man blew 0.69 in October 2003.

Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, newborn, not even spoken a word yet...

It seems as though even Jesus is up on his technology this year: The savior in his manger is being fitted with GPS technology to avoid Baby Jesus-stealing thiefs during the holiday season.

A Cincinnati attorney, who read a story earlier this month about people stealing nativity scenes in Florida, donated the Global Positioning System navigation device.

"I don't anticipate this will ever happen again, but we may need to rely on technology to save our savior."--Dina Cellini, site manager.

"Save our savior" - ahh, I love it.

Mary and Joseph will also be given some GPS loving, and a plexiglass screen will be set up as well.

Girl meets law

Danielle Fishel, better known as Topanga, is facing drunk driving charges after officers stopped a car she was in this week.

Fishel, who played the big-haired hippie-like braniac turned hottie for seven years on "Boy Meets World," was arrested just before 5 a.m. Thursday, said Newport Beach Sgt. James Rocker. She was released from jail shortly after.

The actress really hasn't done much to change her Topanga-identity. She is slotted as the voice Donna Goldstein in 2008's movie "The Chosen One," and has appeared on "The Tyra Banks Show" a number of times, once where she recently discussed her relationship with now-out-of-the-closet Lance Bass.

And now this terrible picture has been posted on CNN. But strangely, she is still cute as a button.

You know what? Whatever. "Boy Meets World" is still the greatest TGIF show ever created. End of story.

Thanks, Dave!

Fatal Combat

Two Colorado teenagers are being charged as adults after beating one of the suspects' 7-year-old halfsister to death, influenced by the video game "Mortal Kombat."

The teens, 16 and 17, were babysitting Zoe Garcia at her home earlier this month. According to the arrest affadavit, they were wrestling "as they always do," karate kicking, punching and kicking, but a witness said the boy was kicking and body slamming little Zoe.

The two were reportedly using moves they learned from the violent "Mortal Kombat" video game.

When the 7-year-old lost consciousness, the suspects placed her in the bathtub and even cracked an egg into her mouth to make sure she wasn't "messing with them." Usually tickling someone can do that, but I guess feeding her raw food works too...

Zoe sustained a broken wrist, 20 bruises and bleeding under the spine and in the brain. She died from her injuries North Colorado Medical Center.

Both teens were charged with one count of child abuse resulting in death, a class two felony. They could each face up to 48 years in prison if convicted.

It's pretty crazy; my father and I were talking about this game the other night and how incredibly violent it was; the screen shot to the right is the character Sub-Zero ripping out the heart of his opponent. At the same time, my brothers and I loved this game and none of us felt the need to literally beat each other to death. I don't remember children of my generation mimicking violence in video games (or television) as much as they do today. It's disgusting.

Capital punishment is kaput

*Apologies for the lack of updating. I know I don't usually delve into the personal here, so I'll just leave it at sickness, work and the holidays are taking their toll on my brain. Thanks for still visiting!

Today, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine signed legislation banning the death penalty in the Garden State. Eight men, formally sitting on death row, will now instead spend life in prison without parole.

Included in those criminals is Jesse Timmendequas, the convicted sex offender who raped and murdered 7-year-old Megan Kanka more than 10 years ago. That case lead to "Megan's Law," which requires neighbors to be alerted when a sex offender moves into the neighborhood.

Tell me this is not one of the scariest guys you've ever seen.

New Jersey becomes first state to ban capital punishment since the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated it in 1976, and the 14th to not use it altogether.

Touchy subject, but I'm still torn on the death penalty. My co-workers today were debating and it came down to a desire for vengeance versus the (sometimes small) possibility that that convicted person could be innocent and put to wrongly put to death.

Thoughts anyone? Or are we only prone to comment on less weighty issues? Which is perfectly fine, because I'm sure another innocuous post will soon be on its way, heh.

Dog eat dog

Let's just get this out of the way because I was sick of hearing about this like, two months ago:

Michael Vick has been sentenced to 23 months in prison for his financing and involvement in a dog fighting ring--Bad Newz Kennels--and for killing dogs that did not deserve to die.

The maximum Vick faced was five years, so he received a sentencing that was middle of the road, which was surprising considering that this judge was evinced as a hard ass.

Vick already has lost his endorsement deals, which some estimates put as high as $50 million, and also lost the $71 million left on his contract with the Falcons, but he still got off easy. He'll probably serve eight months and get out just in time for football season.

Serial swine

A 58-year-old Canadian pig farmer, accused of killing women and feeding their remains to his pigs, has been found guilty on the first six of 26 murder charges.

Robert "Willie" Pickton automatically received a life sentence when the jury found him guilty of murdering prostitutes and drug addicts on his farm. If he is accountable for those deaths, he would become Canada's worst serial killer.

An undercover cop, who had been placed in Pickton's jail cell and gained his trust, said that Pickton had planned to kill one more woman--"make it an even 50"--then kill another 25 after he he took a short break. Come on, you know that killing prostitutes is hard work.

One witness said she walked in on a blood-covered Pickton as a woman's body dangled from a chain in the farm's slaughterhouse. Another witness testified that Pickton told him how he strangled his alleged victims and fed their remains to his pigs. Did he run out of grain and slop??

Shouldn't they issue a recall on any bacon that's come out of Pickton's pig farm, because it would totally gross me out to eat digested prostitute bacon. That can't be kosher.