Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

from The Jerc Store!

Don't forget to wish your momma a happy Mother's Day today! And if you're having trouble finding the right words to say, DON'T take the Shia-LaBeouf-approach...

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds." -- Actor Shia LaBeouf

That's, uh, flattering...and really f'ing creepy. Read more here.

What's also moderately creepy (but obviously much more hilarious) is SNL's new "Dick-in-a-Box" guys skit, "Motherlover."

Anyway... Happy Mother's Day!

New meaning to "passing" an ordinance

The greatest part of my new journalism job? No more boring Township Committee, Board of Education, Planning Board and Economic Development Council meetings. But, I must say, if something like this happened, it would have made those 19 months of monotanous meetings totally worth it.

In the middle of a Medina City Council meeting in Ohio last week, the sound of farting sent council members into a giggling fit, so much so they had to take a recess. I don't find this immature as much as I find it relieving that these people don't take their roles as local officials too too seriously.

Not quite sure who the perpetrator is (and it's likely the "fart application" for the iPhone), but that kid in the yellow shirt aptly appears at the same time the flatulance begins. Hmm...

Go fish

I love offbeat news stories as much as the best person, but I love 'em even more when they hit closer to home:

In what really shouldn't have been an entertaining story, employees at a Philadelphia pet store were shocked this weekend when they opened what they believed to be a shipment of exotic fish and instead found a cadaver.

Jon Kenoyer, of California, died unexpectedly last week and had requested his body be donated to Alzheimer's research in Allentown, Pa. His body, flown across country by US Airways, somehow got mixed up with a shipment bound for Pets Plus USA.

When the package arrived at the store, the owner knew immediately that something was amiss. The package was not opened.

If you take a second to think about it, this story is horrible, but the one shred of lightheartedness was the wife's statement that her late husband was a practical joker and she considers this his one last prank.

Important to note that this should not dissuade people from donating their bodies to research, she added.

'Ew' does not even begin to describe this...

The bad news is that my laptop is still all virused-up, but the good news is that I've opted to completely wipe out the hard drive and start over. So until that's done, my posting will still be scarce, but I have to share this story I heard today -- And I thought my computer was sick!

From Philadelphia Daily News:
Dad had gone out to get coffee and breakfast. Mom was helping their 4-year-old son on the toilet. Their 9-year-old daughter was playing Nintendo.

That was how the morning of Jan. 3 played out for the Wolfe family of Massachusetts inside Room 142 of the Homewood Suites in Mount Laurel, Burlington County. Soon, the Wolfes would pack up and finish their long drive home from Florida.

But, wait: The couple's 22-month-old son was supposed to be on the hotel's pull-out sofa, watching TV. Instead, according to a federal lawsuit filed this week in New Jersey, the toddler was choking on a used condom that had been left in their room before they checked in.

When Amy Wolfe heard her youngest child chewing and choking on the condom, she rushed over to help him and retrieved it from his mouth, but according to the lawsuit, the boy already had "ingested the contents."

[I won't be offended if you just threw up in your mouth a bit. And actually, if you don't think that's gross, pretend like you're that child and consider it one more time... That would be disgusting if it were your own --'stuff'-- but you just ate a lustful night between anonymous people. That thing was hanging out for God knows how long in the rollaway couch in what you considered to be a "nice" hotel.

Now, I was shocked to hear that this happened in Mt. Laurel, the town next to mine. So I thought, "Hmm, let me check this place out" and went to its Web site. Lo and behold, I'VE STAYED THERE.
The Wolfe family's lawsuit contends that Homewood Suites and its subsidiaries, Hilton and Blackstone, put the child at risk by subjecting him to an increased risk of contracting a "sexually transmitted disease, including HIV or AIDS, or some other, potentially life threatening, potentially fatal illness."

I guess Hilton hotels are just as skanky as the heiress herself?

Major FAILs of the week

Here are this week's Major FAILs of the week. Feel free to share your FAIL photos/videos here or by sending them to failpictures@gmail.com.


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Chimpanzee riding on a Segway

So, I haven't been able to get this song out of my head ALL DAY. It's silly, yes, but it's damn catchy. (And moderately impressive, too. I've never tried riding one of those things, but I'd imagine it's tricky.)

I nose this ain't a good way to die...

Yeah, it's been almost a week since my last update - work is killing me, but hopefully things will calm down soon. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I 'picked' a nugget of story to come back with...

Apparently no one taught Ian Bothwell that picking your nose isn't a good habit to get into. The 63-year-old Manchester man reportedly died 'digging for gold' in his shnoz.

According to a coroner's report, Bothel -who suffered from dementia and alcoholism- died from a nosebleed caused by constant picking. Authorities initially believed the man had fallen and hit his head, but later found his nasal cavity was filled with blood as a result of epistaxis (aka nosebleed).

"There is no explanation for this death other than he died from a nose-bleed, consistent with picking his nose. I do not think for a moment he knew what he was doing was going to cause his death."- Manchester coroner Nigel Meadows

I'm writing this one down to threaten my kids with some day. "Hey, little Jimmy - quit picking you're nose or you'll end up dead in a pool of your own nose blood like Ian Bothwell."

Major FAILs of the Week

Here are this week's Major FAILs of the week. Feel free to share your FAIL photos/videos here or by sending them to failpictures@gmail.com.


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures

Black --and deadly-- Friday

I've never been into the whole Black Friday thing, though I admittedly thought about getting up at 4 a.m. today and hitting the stores from some deals. Unfortunately for my shopping ambition (but fortunately for my dwindling back account), I am working today...not quite sure why, because everyone I need to contact --including the police department-- is off today, grrr.

Anyway. For those of you who got out to the stores or plan to get in on the tail end of the door buster deals, good for you... but be careful! I just caught wind of an incident in Long Island where a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a Black Friday crowd. (*Note, this picture was not taken from the same Wal-Mart.)

The news story seems to have a lot of unconfirmed information, but apparently a pregnant woman also taken down in the stampede and despite previous reports of a miscarriage, doctors say the baby is fine.

The unidentified worker, employed as an overnight stock clerk, tried to hold back the unruly crowds just after the Valley Stream store opened at 5 a.m.

Witnesses said the surging throngs of shoppers knocked the man down. He fell and was stepped on. As he gasped for air, shoppers ran over and around him.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said Jimmy Overby, 43, a co-worker. "They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too...I literally had to fight people off my back."

Crazy stuff. Click to read more.

Thanks, TJS.

[UPDATE] 11 p.m. Nov. 28: In an unrelated incident, two men were shot dead in a Toys "R" Us in Palm Desert, California, after they argued in the store, police said. The toy company and authorities said the California shootings had nothing to do with shopping on Black Friday

Back of the hand-wich

You know, sometimes my boyfriend jokingly tells me he's gonna give me a knuckle sandwich, but I think this guy took it a bit too far...

From the AP - A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday.

Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.

The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and the man then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield.

The man was freed on $7,500 bail.

Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved.

...Perhaps it was a CLUB sandwich? Haaaaa. (I get this obnoxiously corny sense of humor from my father, by the way.)

I love stories like this. Every so often, a precious gem of a police blotter item comes across our desks in the newsroom. Last week, I wrote about a guy who crashed his truck into a gas station, knocking out two gas pumps, the attendant's booth and a Snapple machine...and then walked home, leaving the car there, like police weren't going to trace it back to him. (And yes, he was drunk.) But man, assault and battery by sandwich - that's delectable.

Bet on Brett the Jet, says the pet (ha, POET!)

It's another glorious evening of Thursday night football, and the New York Jets will battle the New England Patriots for first place atop the AFC East.

And you should probably bet on the Jets, not due to the plague of injuries the Patriots have faced this season, but because Princess the camel says so.

Princess, from Lacey Township, NJ, has correctly identified winners in each of this year's NFL weeks, standing at an impressive 10-0 going into tonight's game. Geez, I should call Popcorn Park Zoo for my Survivor Pool pick this week, no?

The owner of the zoo, John Bergmann, chooses a game at random each week and writes each team's name on each of his hands. He puts a graham cracker in both hands and whichever hand Princess eats out of it is her "pick" for the week. This week? It's the J-E-T-S: Jets! Jets! Jets!

The 2,600-pound Bactrian camel had a winning percentage of .647 last year, correctly calling 11 out of 17 games. She also reportedly predicted the Giants would defeat the Patriots in last year's Super Bowl showdown. Smart camel.

I'm sure now that I'm writing about Princess and her accuracy, the Jets will get squashed, Brett Favre will break his leg and the stadium will somehow catch fire (because that's just how my luck has been going these days), but hey, who doesn't love a football-game-winner-picking camel?

RIP Gus

Sad news, everyone: Gus, the World's Ugliest Dog, is dead.

The 9-year-old pooch, who won the ugly crown in June, lost his battle with cancer today.

Gus, a hairless Chinese crested from Florida, had one eye and three legs. His adopted family reportedly rescued him after learning he was being kept in a crate inside someone's garage. He had one leg amputated because of a skin tumor and lost an eye in a cat fight.

Owner Jeanenne Teed said Gus passed away in her arms this morning. The skin cancer he had been battling had wrapped around his spine and the dog had lost half of his body weight. He was in a lot of pain and needed to be put down, she said.

As World's Ugliest dog, Gus had been featured on the Today show, Fox & Friends, Rachel Ray. He even had his own Animal Planet special.

Chinese crested dogs have a reputation for being pretty ugly, but poor Gus...he was hideous.

Grandpa shooting the 'J

A 73-year-old Tennessee man scored two points in a college basketball game this week.

Ken Mink, a full-time student at Roane State Community College, scored two points Monday night in a 93-42 victory over King College's junior varsity. The shooting guard got in the game with about 16 minutes left in the second half and attempted one shot in three minutes. He came back into the game, was fouled and made two free throws.

The 6-foot-tall septuagenarian said it was the first time he shot a free throw in more than five decades. He played 52 years ago at Lees College in Jackson, Ky, but lost his spot on the team after someone soaped the coach's office and he was expelled during his freshman year. He still says he did not commit the prank.

Mink reportedly runs a 6.6-second 40-yard dash and has a 20-inch vertical. I'm pretty sure he'd beat me out for a spot on the team. That's sad.

The retiree wears number 54 on the team. Last year, after shooting baskets at a neighbor's house, he wrote to several area colleges, and Roane State coach Randy Nesbit agreed to give him a chance. Mink has practiced regularly with the team since school began in August.

“(Mink) gets up and down the floor and can get shots off in practice,” said teammate BJ Ware. “He can definitely still play for being that old.”

His brain cells are torched

A Georgia man set his home on fire yesterday after reportedly trying to clean it with a blowtorch.

Instead of using a broom, Galen Winchell used a blowtorch to clean out the cobwebs from the exterior eaves of his home.

He should take a blowtorch to the cobwebs in his brain, no? There's gotta be a lot of 'em.

Winchell noticed smoke coming from his attic around 11 a.m. Firefighters responded with three trucks and the power company arrived to disconnect the power, which runs through the attic. The fire was contained to one end of the house, however there was water damage and smoke damage throughout. No one was injured in the blaze.

A good piece of advice: The fire investigator warned residents not to use a blowtorch to rid their homes of cobwebs. That's good to know - I was thinking about doing some cleaning this weekend.

Foxy laaaady

A woman, bit by a rapid fox, ran a mile to her car with the animal still attached to her.

The Arizona jogger said she was running on a trail Monday when she noticed the fox in a clearing. It did not initially appear aggressive, but as she approached, the fox attacked and bit her foot. She grabbed it by the neck but it bit her arm and clamped down. It did not release, even when the jogger tried to choke it, she said.

Concerned that the fox could have rabies, she ran all the way to the car--a mile away--with the fox still biting her arm. She pried the animal's jaw open, wrapped it in a sweatshirt she was wearing and tossed it into her trunk before driving to a hospital.

When an animal-control person removed the fox from the vehicle, it bit the employee, too - oops!

Shockingly enough, it turned out the animal had rabies. Both the jogger and the animal-control person are receiving rabies vaccinations.

Thanks, Dad!

Major FAILs of the week

Here are this week's Major FAILs of the week. Feel free to share your FAIL photos/videos here or by sending them to failpictures@gmail.com.



see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures

Major FAILs of the week

I'm starting a new weekly feature at The Jerc Store: "Major FAILs of the week" will be a selection of hilarious 'fail' photos from failblog.org. The site encourages you to share "fails, pwns and owns with the world" by sending in your photos/videos to failpictures@gmail.com.

So without further ado, here are your major FAILs of the week...


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Grandma-ma

So it's pretty offbeat when a 56-year-old woman gives birth, and even more so when a 56-year-old woman gives birth to triplets. But how about when the kids she's birthing are actually her grandkids.

Jaci Dalenberg, of Cleveland, was acting as a surrogate mother for her daughter, Kim Conseno. She gave birth to identical twin girls and their fraternal sister Oct. 11 by way of C-section.

The babies were born more than two months premature and each weighed less than 3 pounds, but are said to be doing well.

According to a spokeswoman, the 56-year-old offered her surrogate service to the daughter when she and her husband, Joe, were waiting to adopt. The couple used vitro fertilization and the embryos were implanted into Dalenberg's uterus.

Joe and Kim also have an 18- and 13-year-old. You can check out their "Our Life With Triplets and and Teens 'Oh My'" blog.

So...what do the kids call Dalenberg? Mama? Grandma? Grandmamama?

Pot-luck taco

I hope you all remembered to visit your local Taco Bell today for a free Crunchy Seasoned Beef Taco. And sorry if you're just seeing this now: The special, offered because Jason Bartlett stole a base in Game One of the World series, was only from 2-6 p.m. today.

But if you did get your taco, I'd be willing to bet it didn't come with the toppings that one Colorado couple got during a recent trip to a Del Taco restaurant...

The couple called local authorities Oct. 16 when they discovered a small baggie of marijuana in their taco order they pick up at Del Taco.

Police said Dennis Klermund, the employee who waited on the husband, initially denied that the pot was his; he later admitted the bag was for his friend when a drug-sniffing dog found marijuana in a locker.

The 26-year-old, who is no longer employed by Del Taco, faces possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

EMPLOYEE: DUMB B----

A Missouri man was shocked to find a racial slur on his Journeys receipt after returning a pair of shoes this weekend.

Keith Slater, 22, bought an $80 pair of shoes at the store, but later returned them after finding a better bargain at another store. Slater got his money back, but was later shocked to see that the receipt identified him as "Dumb N-----"

Like, really? Did anyone there think that someone somewhere might possibly notice the N-word printed on their receipt? My God, that's stupidity!

By the time the college student returned to Journeys that night, the store was closed. When he came back on Saturday, employees said that a generic code had been entered with the return and that's what appeared.

But, Slater's father said, there were six or seven choices that came up when that code was entered and the one the employee had chosen was at the bottom of the list. Probably not a coincidence then, eh?

The employee who rang up Slater was fired, according to a statement issued by Genesco Inc, the company that owns Journeys.

"While we are continuing to investigate this incident, it appears an employee in one of our stores entered highly inappropriate statements in a form used to process a merchandise return...Needless to say, such an act was not authorized by Journeys, and will not be tolerated." --Genesco, Inc.

The Slaters received an apology call today from Genesco's corporate office, and have also been contacted by the Justice Department. The department will reportedly refer the case to the FBI to investigate whether a civil rights violation has occurred.