"The Hills" have five

For as much as I loved Whitney on "The Hills," I must admit I've barely given "The City" a second glance. I'm not really sure why -- Perhaps it's the lack of Speidi or the fact that I can't understand anything that Australian guy says. 

Either way, I am [shamefully] looking forward to MTV's original scripted drama returning to Monday nights in April.

Check out the trailer for season five below. I love how it opens with a fortune teller soothsaying Lauren's misfortunes ("People who you thought were your friends turned out to be your enemies"). Gee, how insightful. Think she's got cable?

And just as Brett Favre proclaims at the end of every

 season, Lauren Conrad claims to be quitting The Hills...for good this time...

Seriously...

...But probably not.

And even if LC does take a break from the show that made her famous enough to have fake internships, fake boyfriends and a fake clothing line, producers are looking at ways to continue airing the popular show. Rumor has it that Lo is on board. And I'm sure they'll have a hard time getting Heidi and Spencer to come back...

"I, Heidi, take thee Spencer..."

I figured it'd been awhile since my last "Hills" full episode recap, so when better to get back to it than the season finale? So sit back, relax and embrace my sarcastic commentary like Heidi and Lauren at a not-really-black-tie event.

So let's start with the less important --but just as staged-- storyline of the night: Audrina and Justin Bobby heading out to Palm Springs on a weekend getaway. Can we just talk about JB in the overalls without a shirt on his motorcycle? Aaaaand cue the banjo here. But what really made me laugh was Justin's acute observation that every time they go away together, it's never just the two of them -- it's always Audrina's friends "nibbling" in her ear. He's right. And in Palm Springs it was just the two of them... and the producers... the director...the camera men...the boom mic guy...

Things got more interesting when Justin Bobby presented a ring -- from his mouth. That's charming. He did manage to call Audrina by her name rather than the ever-affectionate "dude." For a split second I thought they would totally get married. I mean, it's no Patron, but the two of them had been chugging from that champagne bottle.

Back in LA, Lauren and Lo got all do-ed up (though their hair looked exactly the same as it always does) for a black-tie event hosted by none other than Brent Bolthouse. And Lauren wore lime green. (Shoutout to the show's editing team for cutting in the Dandy Warhols "We Used the Be Friends" here.)

Shockingly enough, Heidi was "working" the event, and I love that she looks around and says, "I haven't seen people look this nice and dressy in a long time," yet the girl just got married three days ago.

Anyway, Heidi approaches Lauren for a heart-to-heart... which really turns into three minutes of the most awkward television ever. There's a lot of nodding and furrowed brows (as per usual on The Hills), and the word "madame" is used way too many times than it ever should between two peers. The most cringe-worthy moment comes after Lauren drops the, "It is what it is" bomb and Heidi pauses, looks pensively and says, "You been working out?" Um? There's more champagne chugging --this time on Lauren's end-- and I am again waiting for two more people to run away and get married.

Speaking of elopement, we find Heidi and Spencer this week attempting to make their Mexico matrimony legal in the US. We also witness Heidi awkwardly explaining the marriage to her friends, family and co-workers. You gotta feel bad for Heidi's mom here -- the poor woman just wants to be there to watch her daughter get married. "There are a lot of people hurt here, a lot of people who have helped mold you into the person you are today," she says. Wait, am I wrong in thinking she's referring to Heidi's plastic surgeons here?

Against her family's wishes, Heidi goes to the courthouse to meet Spencer and Stephanie for a really romantic ceremony before a fake judge. (Yeah, this was shot after hours and probably wouldn't have been legal even if they had gone through with it.) Steph implores Spencer to hold off on the marriage because it's not what his bride really wants. And even though he whines about having gotten all dressed up in his nice suit, he has a change of heart and tells Heidi he'll "deal with" giving her her dream wedding.

And hey, did anyone else think the judge said "through all the day of your lies" to Spencer during his vows? Freudian slip much? I wish she would have made him swear to shave off his Santa Claus beard, too.

So that ends season, what, four? Of course they didn't get married -- it would have essentially put the kibosh on all of the storylines that producers had cooked up. Those people can't keep coming up with new things all the time - they aren't miracle workers for God's sake.

And on the After Show, Lauren's big announcement was --surprise, surprise-- another season of The Hills is forthcoming. Perhaps there will be little Speidlets soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers offered them a raise in pay to reproduce.

Here's the final installment of my Hills drinking game. Until next time...

• Whenever you hear "dude"--twice if it's a term of endearment.
• If you have a craving for Sonic's chocolate cheesecake bites.
• Whenever you're a little sadder than you expected that Whitney is gone.
  
• Any time someone takes a swig of champagne.
• Every time Heidi and Spencer's wedding is blamed on alcohol or Mother Nature.

RELATED LINKS
Speidi and the Patron make it happen
Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding
It's a Speidi wedding!

Speidi and the Patron make it happen

As much as I feel the last episode of "The Hills" deserves a Jerc Store-style recap (and perhaps it will get one, if my job ever stops consuming my life), I just have to ask the question now: Was anyone else super confused by the Speidi wedding in the Mexico this week?

I consulted with fellow Hills-buff, Stef, on this and she confirmed that it wasn't just me being as vapid as most of the girls on the show - the continuity of the episode really didn't make sense.

In real life --that is, the life that you and I lead-- news of Heidi and Spencer eloping in Mexico broke Nov. 24, just three weeks before this episode aired. Meanwhile (in Hillsland), Lauren and the crew are saying goodbye to Whitney, who is about to leave for a new life in New York City. But, we've been seeing promos for Whitney's new show, "The City," for at least three weeks now and the show premieres in two. How is that they'd already shot, cut, edited and shipped all the footage for Whitney's new show essentially before she's left?

Did that explanation make sense to anyone? No? Okay, try this one out then...

Heidi and Spencer go to Mexico. One night they're drinking--heavily. Now, it's nighttime when Spencer seemingly forces shots of Patron down Heidi's throat and convinces her to marry him right then and there. (Of course, being the gentleman he is, Spencer pushes, pushes, pushes and then sticks his lip out and says, "You're sure?" Please.) The next time we see the couple --now newlyweds-- is during a morning in their hotel room as Heidi talks about being hungover last night from all the Patron. But yet, they whip out a camcorder to show footage of their wedding, shot in daylight.

If they were taking the shots at night and decided on a whim to get married at night, how was the wedding that they're seemingly discussing "the morning after" shot in daylight?

Could this mean that The Hills is --OMG-- fake? Did they do something like this to --GASP-- improve ratings?

[UPDATE] And hey, previews for next week's season finale show Heidi and Spencer making their elopement legal in a courtroom, but apparently that was filmed after hours and is likely not real either. Haaaaaa.

Thanks, Geoff and Stef!

More 'Hills'

While my coverage of "The Hills" has been waning in recent weeks, I still thought it fair to post a 'scoop' I heard tonight: After much speculation whether or not MTV's most famous faux-reality show would continue for another season, Audrina Patridge has confirmed that the fifth season is a go.

Lately, Hills protagonist Lauren Conrad has been questioning whether she'd like to continue with the show that made her famous, but apparently she caved. Or maybe she's not even on the show anymore and we'll be watching Audrina and Holly live their lives. Just like watching paint dry.

Check out what Audrina had to say here.

The short on Port

My apologies for the lack of 'Hills' recaps lately. Admittedly, I've missed the last two episodes and have had no time to catch up...and until that happens, here's a little teaser for the new Hills spinoff, "The City," starring Whitney.

From what I can gather, there will be a bit less airhead conversation and bit more focus on the career path than The Hills offered; that's a good thing if we're trying to influence young women to get excited about being successful in a professional sense, but it's probaaably not going to be that good for ratings.

Then again, if Lauren makes good on her promise to quit filming the reality show, then I guess "The City" is all we got.

Hey, at least there's a guy with a hot Australian accent!



RELATED LINKS
Lauren Conrad: Over "The Hills"
Head from "The Hills"

Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'

Uh-oh 'Hills' fans - Lauren is talking about calling it quits!

The Hills protagonist told Extra! last night that, "It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away. I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Ahhh, suddenly it makes sense why they are not pushing Whitney's life on us!

Lauren apparently wants to walk away from MTV's most popular show to tour college campuses and talk to co-eds about domestic violence and the like. (Similar to past Real World-ers.)

But wait--there's more: Lauren and Heidi are friends again!

USmagazine reports that the two made up at a Malibu Rum sponsored dinner at STK in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Heidi came over and congratulated Lauren on her clothing line and the two hugged. Daww, how sweet...but I didn't believe they were ever really fighting in the first place.

RELATED LINKS
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Head from 'The Hills'

It appears that MTV is trying to suck its 'Hills' franchise dry: Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad's friend and co-worker, will be getting her very own spinoff in 2009.

Rumors of the spinoff have been swirling for awhile now, but MTV announced today that Whitney will star in "The City" --clever title. The show will air in the spring.

Cameras will follow Whitney from LA to NYC, where she will work for designer Diane Von Furstenberg. reunite with "a best friend from her past" and meet "a guy she's head-over-heels for," according to the release.

I mean, I'm all for the "normal" girl on the overly-hyped television show having her day, but do we really think Whitney can carry the show on her own? I mean, she's intelligent and beautiful, but let's face it: She's just an ancillary character in the drama-tastic world of The Hills--that's the downside of having substance and integrity.

MTV is already heading off our worries with this exaggerated description of the show:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose. In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from." - MTV

You know, I thought Whitney was smart for shying away from the cameras during The Hills and focusing on her career, but I'd say this seems like a step in the wrong direction. Still, it will give me some more meaningless television to watch, so...okay.

Going through 'Hills' withdrawal?

August is just about two hours away at this point, and my fellow reporter, Steph, brought up a good point this week...

"When does 'The Hills' come back?!?!?"

That's a good question. How are we less than three weeks away from the season four premiere and there's barely been a blip on the MTV radar?

Hype or no hype, the fourth season of the Hollywood pseudo-reality show is quickly approaching. Tune in Aug. 18 at 10 p.m. to catch all the drama from past seasons carry on and some brand-spanking-new (undoubtedly scripted) drama unfold.

And be on the lookout for the Pussycat Dolls' new song, "When I Grow Up," to be featured during the premiere.

Lauren, Audrina and Whitney all apparently have some new men in their lives. The "Will Audrina move out?" drama continues. Stephanie Pratt is strangely reminiscent of Jen Bunny ala season two. Brody goes to jail? The newly reunited "Speidi" has some more trouble in paradise when Heidi --for some reason-- invites her sister to move in with them...and I already know I'm going to have trouble telling Heidi's sister and Spencer's sister apart. Does everyone in Hollywood really need to be that blond?

Take a look for yourself. Below is the full season four trailer. Who's excited?!

'The Hills' in Paris, real? Je ne crois pas!

Sorry, 'Hills' haters. Just a little tid bit of news for those on Team Lauren who are salivating in anticipation for the next eight episodes of season three...

More tampering with reality going on in The Hills, according to The New York Post's Page Six. Before Lauren and Whitney went to Paris, apparently producers were “frantically calling publicists to see if anyone knew any guys to set the girls up with in Paris. If they had a love affair there, then it would look better,” a source told Page Six.

When we catch up with Lauren and Whitney in Paris, we'll see the girls being set up with a band called Rock & Roll - yes, the most creative band name known to man - and Lauren miiiight be hooking up with the band's guitar player, Matthias. Scandalous.

Sucks for Brody.

According to a bulletin Audrina posted on MySpace yesterday, the episodes will be airing in late February/early March, and I've seen on MTV.uk that the show is scheduled to return on Jan. 20.

And in response to recent reports that Lauren's bff had joined Team Heidi? As fake as the show itself (those obviously weren't her words, p.s.). Audrina says she's been spending time away from Lauren to be with her pregnant sister and if she runs into Heidi out in a club, they will acknowledge each other's presence but they are not friends.

UPDATED: Lauren and Whitney will more than likely not be with Teen Vogue during the fourth season, according to a spokeswoman. "The girls have moved on from Teen Vogue," she said, declining to say whether or not Teen Vogue will be part of the series next time.