Maybe it's not such a Speidi wedding...

Okay, so I'm backtracking on the Heidi-Spencer wedding, as is the rest of the free media world--or at least those who had nothing better to write about than the faux-reality show stars' apparently faux wedding in Mexico last week. (Yeah, and that includes you, Associated Press. You're not so much better than the rest of us. Pfft.)

It appears as though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's elopement was not actually a legally binding union, as previously reported.

"We had a beautiful ceremony here ... officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We've never been happier. And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we'll take care of the legal details when we get home," the couple said in a statement.

Us Weekly, which features the two on its cover this week, reported that Speidi decided to get married while drinking margaritas on the beach. An hour later, they were exchanging vows, the magazine said. Gee, that sounds super well-thought out!

Apparently, it was thought out enough for MTV to get in on the action: "Fans will be able to see the exclusive footage from the ceremony in an upcoming episode, and we will continue to follow the newlyweds' relationship as it plays out in real life," said Executive Producer of "The Hills," Liz Gately.

It's not clear right now whether the footage of the ceremony will be a reenactment of the ceremony or footage obtained from another source. But I'm so totally sure it will be as totally real as the rest of the show.

More 'Hills'

While my coverage of "The Hills" has been waning in recent weeks, I still thought it fair to post a 'scoop' I heard tonight: After much speculation whether or not MTV's most famous faux-reality show would continue for another season, Audrina Patridge has confirmed that the fifth season is a go.

Lately, Hills protagonist Lauren Conrad has been questioning whether she'd like to continue with the show that made her famous, but apparently she caved. Or maybe she's not even on the show anymore and we'll be watching Audrina and Holly live their lives. Just like watching paint dry.

Check out what Audrina had to say here.

Lauren Conrad: Over 'The Hills'

Uh-oh 'Hills' fans - Lauren is talking about calling it quits!

The Hills protagonist told Extra! last night that, "It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away. I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Ahhh, suddenly it makes sense why they are not pushing Whitney's life on us!

Lauren apparently wants to walk away from MTV's most popular show to tour college campuses and talk to co-eds about domestic violence and the like. (Similar to past Real World-ers.)

But wait--there's more: Lauren and Heidi are friends again!

USmagazine reports that the two made up at a Malibu Rum sponsored dinner at STK in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Heidi came over and congratulated Lauren on her clothing line and the two hugged. Daww, how sweet...but I didn't believe they were ever really fighting in the first place.

RELATED LINKS
Head from 'The Hills'
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change
"You always miss a best friend"

Head from 'The Hills'

It appears that MTV is trying to suck its 'Hills' franchise dry: Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad's friend and co-worker, will be getting her very own spinoff in 2009.

Rumors of the spinoff have been swirling for awhile now, but MTV announced today that Whitney will star in "The City" --clever title. The show will air in the spring.

Cameras will follow Whitney from LA to NYC, where she will work for designer Diane Von Furstenberg. reunite with "a best friend from her past" and meet "a guy she's head-over-heels for," according to the release.

I mean, I'm all for the "normal" girl on the overly-hyped television show having her day, but do we really think Whitney can carry the show on her own? I mean, she's intelligent and beautiful, but let's face it: She's just an ancillary character in the drama-tastic world of The Hills--that's the downside of having substance and integrity.

MTV is already heading off our worries with this exaggerated description of the show:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose. In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from." - MTV

You know, I thought Whitney was smart for shying away from the cameras during The Hills and focusing on her career, but I'd say this seems like a step in the wrong direction. Still, it will give me some more meaningless television to watch, so...okay.

"You always miss a best friend"

Good thing tonight's half-hour of "The Hills" coincided with halftime of the Cowboys/Eagles game, or else I would have been mad I missed an exciting football game for a pretty pathetic episode.

As the promos promised, Holly spends some time with her sister's sworn enemy after Heidi and (of course) Spencer express some dissatisfaction with the whole situation. Lauren's skeptical about spending more time with Holly because she doesn't want to cause more problems like she did while hanging out with Spencer's sister.

Back in the Hills' house, things are suddenly rainbows and sunshine with Lauren, Lo and Audrina - I'm sure all that prior drama wasn't scripted at all. The girls head out to Audrina's work function, which -- um, Audrina works? I guess they needed to switch up the scenery a bit; splicing subtitles over dark nightclub scenes probably got a bit old for the production crew.

Justin Bobby bails. Audrina complains about how he doesn't show her he cares. This all is soooo last season. Moving on...

Heidi has lunch with her co-worker and we get a glipse of creative editing at its finest: While Heidi is reminiscing about her friendship with Lauren, LC is simultaneously admitting to Stephanie that she misses being with Heidi because, well, predictably, "You always miss a best friend."

Tonight's ep was a yawn-fest in my opinion, but it seems like stuff's gonna hit the fan next week when Lauren travels to Italy, leaving Stephanie the opportunity to move in on Doug. I guess when the Cheshire Cat's away, the former drug addicts will play.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time you hear, "three musketeers" or "best friend."
  
• After every mention of an artist you've never heard of and their new music you don't care about.
• During any mention of nipple piercings.
  
• Whenever Holly is bland (pace yourself).
  
• Whenever you almost wish Spencer was in the episode more because these broads are putting you to sleep.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"
Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

Boys make girls cry and something's gotta change

So I've been a bit tardy on my 'Hills' updates. I didn't have a chance to write about last week's episode, but all I really missed was stupid Lauren broke up with Doug for like, no reason. And then MTV threw me for a loop this week by putting a new episode on Sunday before the VMAs, in an obvious and pathetic attempt to get people to watch the lackluster awards show. So here's a double shot for you...

In "Boys Make Girls Cry," the crew jetsets to Vegas for the night to celebrate Frankie's birthday. Stephanie's former drug problem (click for a terrible mugshot) comes to light and Brody calls her a 'complete psycho,' sending her to the girls' hotel room in tears. Lauren imparts her wisdom -- "Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you" -- and then compassionately tells Stephanie to stop crying because it will ruin her blue eyeliner and she really doesn't have time to retouch it.

Things continue to be awkward between Lauren and Audrina. Apparently they're growing in different directions. Like, Lauren is an aspiring fashion designer who doesn't actually design any clothing and Audrina is an aspiring actress whose acting gig is a part in a reality television show. Yeah. Completely different directions.

In other news, Holly makes good on her sister's offer to move out to Hollywood and into her and Spencer's apartment. While shooting for a high score on his personal arcade game, Spencer complains to Heidi about having to live with another girl and having to see extra tampons in the house (I'm not making that up).

The best part of this episode: "What would you do if you were me and you wake up in the morning, do your average thing, walk out to go work out and your sister’s half-naked on the rowing machine erasing my TiVo rowing her little ass off?" The next time my grandma comes to stay, if she erases "Gossip Girl" on TiVo, she's out on her ass. Straight up.

The episode ends with a garbage cliffhanger: Doug and Brody are in jail. GASP! Except cut to Monday's episode, "Something Has to Change," and we find they were actually just filling out paperwork in a casino holding cell after some lune accosted them on the floor. And who knows if that's even true.

This entire episode is a long and uneventful buildup to Lauren and Audrina's 30-second 'what is happening to our friendship' conversation.

In the meantime, we've got Spencer telling Holly to move out and Holly disappearing for --ohmygod-- a few hours. Then there's JustinBobby giving Audrina advice on the roommate situation. You know, JustinBobby's eloquence as of late has been quite surprising. Perhaps he was on drugs the last two season and has finally cleaned up his act. Maybe he attended the same rehab center as Stephanie. Maybe it's just the haircut.

In the end, Audrina and Lauren have their long-awaited conversation and ultimately make amends, but not without LC throwing in a teary jab about having to awkwardly bob her head at Audrina's "weird" concerts. Poor Audrina; she must not have known when she was approached by producers to befriend these girls that listening to alternative music and having friends who are not blond would make her an outcast.

They hug and make up. Now that Audrina and Lauren have seemingly put their differences behind them, it looks like MTV has the stage set for a Lauren/Heidi reconciliation. I guess we'll find out next week.

The next round of my 'Hills' drinking game:

• Every time Frankie looks like he's gonna drunkenly make out with someone in Vegas.
  
• Whenever you should feel bad for Stephanie, but don't.
  
• Everytime you hear some version of, "We used to be such good friends..."
  
• During every a cry fest. Take a shot when you see black tears.
  

RELATED LINKS
Back in 'The Hills'
"Drama follows them"

Back in 'The Hills'

Old news now, I know, but this week has been nuts.

For those of you who didn't tune into MTV's "The Hills" season premiere Monday, you weren't alone: Apparently ratings are down nearly 30 percent from the March premiere.

We step right back into the drama surrounding the girls' new house during Audrina's birthday party. The long and short of it? Audrina has friends that don't have Gucci sunglasses and blond hair and apparently they're abhorrent enough to send Lo to her room for an hour while the party was in full swing. The two have a moderately heated conversation in the poolhouse wherein Audrina tells Lo that they'll never be friends (whether that was audio spliced in while Audrina is off camera or not, who knows).

Lauren's got a new guy named Doug. He's hot. They go on a date and it's pretty obvious Lauren gets her conversation topics from her latest Cosmo magazine: Doug orders a beer -- "I think your drink says a lot about you...It says you're a guy's guy." Such stimulating conversation. I guess this lends some more credibility to Gavin's take on dating LC from last this year.
Spencer and Heidi are seemingly happy again and in pure scripted drama fashion, Heidi's sister unexpectedly arrives to stay at their apartment for the weekend. Spencer throws a temper tantrum and insults the breakfast Holly makes for him. As she's getting into her car for the airport, she tosses out the possibility of her moving out there aaaand perhaps she'll stay with them while she looks for a place, which pisses off the Gerber baby. Holly in Hollywood -- I smell another spinoff!

Speaking to Ryan Seacrest on the radio recently, "Speidi" said they think that Lauren is sick of doing the show (and apparently she's expressed that this could be the last season of it). But regardless of what LC decides, Spencer and Heidi say they're "just beginning" and would gladly continue doing the show. Spencer even 'selflessly' volunteered to takeover the voice over narration job.

I think the way I'll handle this season is by creating a Hills drinking game, like, every time XYZ happens, you take a drink. For this premiere episode:

• Every time Heidi hisses, "That's my sister," to Spencer.
• Every time you see a red mohawk.
• Whenever you think about how much you used to love Lo.
• Every time you wonder, "What does Spencer actually do all day?"