Perry's a little more hot than cold right now

Fill in the blank - "I kissed a girl and I ______________."

• A) became Barbie
• B) got suspended
• C) went to hell
• D) liked it
• E) ALL OF THE ABOVE
  

For being known for such a silly song, Katy Perry has made one hot commodity of herself lately. Not only did she kiss a girl and like it, she's somehow managed to get young women in trouble while simultaneously becoming a tangible 'role model' for little girls.

Three girls on the twirler team at a North Texas high school were disciplined for performing to Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" at a recent football pep rally. School administrators apparently found the song to be inappropriate. The girls are suspended for the next two games, but the school's drum line has vowed not to perform without the girls, wearing "No twirlers, no band" stickers in show of support. I'm sure that drum line is just hoping for some twirler-on-twirler action.

In other news, Katy Perry's likeness is being made into a 12-inch doll by Integrity Toys. The dolls is being sold for $49.99, but apparently she's already sold out, so you've gotta get on the waiting list to get your hands on a miniature Perry. The first batch is expected to be shipped in late fall. I can only imagine what sort of compromising positions my new Katy Perry doll will end up in when she, Barbie and Midge have their sleepover party!

And in case you forgot, those who do as Katy Perry does will go to hell. So for those of you keeping score at home, the answer is D.

Any dirty old man's fantasy

Q: What's full of pom poms, spirit and beer residue?
A: The elevator at the University of Texas' Jester Hall.

Police and firefighters were called to the campus after 26 cheerleaders (aged 14-17) got themselves stuck in the elevator.

Apparently, the girls --who were attending Texas Cheer Camp-- were trying to see how many of them they could fit in there as a puerile little game. Only, the elevator descended one floor and the doors wouldn't open. After panicking for a bit, a few of the cheerleaders wiggled their cell phones out and called for help.

Signs posted in the elevator warns "No more than 15 people or 3,000 pounds."

Two girls were treated at the scene. One girl fainted and was taken the hospital. She dropped the metaphoric spirit stick on that one...and was probably cut from the squad.

Even non-sports fans can appreciate this...

I can't help but laughing out loud at this video clip.

This man at today's Boston/Texas baseball game made a spectacular grab on a foul ball hit upper deck. Unfortunately for the silly Bo-Sox fan, his celebration got a little too braggadocious and he made a fool of himself.

I'm a compassionate person, and --at first-- I felt kinda bad for this guy, because, like, what if this were the first time he ever caught a foul ball and he was overjoyed beyond belief? But then I remembered he roots for a garbage baseball team and he deserves anything that happens to him, haaaa.

And PS. these announcers are terrible, but you gotta love the crowd's audible reaction to this guy's antics.

"Kid can't even read...T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!"

You hear the one about the teacher who couldn't read, write or spell?

No punchline--this is no joke.

John Corcoran, who taught high school for 17 years in the Oceanside School District in El Paso, managed to pass each grade level without the ability to read, write or spell. He maintains that he cheated his way through high school and college (Texas Western University), going so far as to date the valedictorian and have a friend pass him essay answers through an open window during a test.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

I mean, I know I slacked a bit in high school, but had I not been able to read, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have graduated. This is appalling!

His teaching methods were based on visual and oral presentations, and he used teacher assistants to do work on the board and read aloud.

"As a teacher it really made me sick to think that I was a teacher who couldn't read. It is embarrassing for me, and it's embarrassing for this nation and it's embarrassing for schools that we're failing to teach our children how to read, write and spell!" - John Corcoran.

Oh, but let's celebrate the fact that, at age 48, the guy finally took the time to learn how to read. This is almost unbelievable...it kind of makes me question the legitimacy of this.

But ughh, this just solidifies my opinion that people are not put through rigorous enough testing and observation before becoming a teacher and shaping the minds of young America. And education majors/teachers, go ahead, tell me I'm wrong, but I know a handful of people becoming teachers that I would absolutely not want teaching my children in 10 years.

But then again, those people at least know how to read...I hope.

And a partridge in a pear tree?

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said more than 200 animals were seized from a Texas home last night, including: 68 dogs, 26 hissing cockroaches, 16 rabbits, 15 guinea pigs, 13 gerbils, seven doves, two dwarf hamsters, two bearded dragons, two hedgehogs, an opossum and a pink toe tarantula.

What the...?

The Harris County Sheriff's Department issued a warrant on the house for medical neglect. The SPCA said some animals were found in outdoor pens while others were in sheds scattered around the property. Others were in a doublewide trailer living in filth.

No word yet on who was responsible for the property or if arrests will be made.

Stick a fork in him

This is one of the most disgusting news stories I've seen: Police are saying that a 25-year-old Dallas man allegedly killed his girlfriend and then cooked her remains after they found her ear boiling in a pot on the stove and a slab of human flesh on the table with a fork in it.

Christopher McCuin told his mother to go in the garage Saturday and "see what he had done," and after they fled the scene for help, McCuin called police. Authorities are still unsure if the man had actually eaten any parts of the body.

McCuin is also being charged with stabbing the lover of his estranged wife prior to the slaying of his girlfriend, Jana Shearer. Police believe that the 21-year-old Shearer was abducted from her home after she left the home with no shoes, purse or cell phone Friday night. Neighbors said they had hurt the couple loudly fighting in the past.

I don't know if this guy was delusional and seriously wanted to eat his girlfriend or if he was just looking for a way to make national news, which is so often the case nowadays. This reminds me of that book "Two Bottles of Relish" by Lord Dunsany, except this guy was forthright in his means of murder and was almost bragging about it. Disgusting.

McCuin was charged with capital murder. He was being held in the Smith County Jail on a $2 million bond yesterday and did not have an attorney, officials said. He is scheduled to be arraigned today, and Texas will give him the death penalty for this heinous crime. Good thing this wasn't in New Jersey.

Lipo-SUCK-tion

I'm severely opposed to plastic surgeries and whatnot (unless it is absolutely life saving), but this story makes me sick: A 12-year-old girl from Texas has undergone a number of surgeries, including liposuction and a lap-band surgery.

Brooke Bates, of Austin, weighed 180 pounds as an 11-year-old. At 12, she carried 220 pounds on her 5'5 frame, at which time her family decided that diet and exercise were not working and they needed to seek medical attention.

And instead of receiving a strict regiment from a nutritionist or dietician, Brooke underwent liposuction--and not gastric bypass because that's too dangerous.

You might be surprised by the numbers, though. Almost 3,000 people under the age of 18 underwent liposuction last year. Disgusting.

Now Brooke weighs 153 pounds and says she feels better because she's lighter and has boyfriends...because that's always validating [click here to watch Brooke's transformation, courtesy of Jezebel]. The twist here is that after gaining back a few pounds, Brooke is not going to have lap-band surgery.

So all you overweight teenagers out there, what have we learned tonight?
Don't worry about exercise, playing outside or being healthy. Eat your garbage food and sit on your butts, playing video games and spending hours on MySpace. There's nothing wrong with teenagers having liposuction (sarcaaaasm!)