Eight craaaaazy nights

Happy Hanukkah

from The Jerc Store!

Hanukkah--or the Festival of Lights--began last night at sundown, bringing eight crazy nights for Jews across the world. Bring on the latkes and ad nauseum playing of Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song"!

SI honors Fav-ra

Your team may be undefeated, Tom Brady, but you are not Sportsman of the Year, according to Sports Illustrated; Brett Favre is.

The honor is bestowed upon a player who exhibits character, performance and sportsmanship. Favre received a sterling silver trophy crafted by Tiffany & Co. at a party in his honor in New York City tonight, and is featured on the cover of the magazine, on stands Monday.

Favre probably got the award because he's the winningest quarterback and leader in TDs in the NFL, but I'd like to think it's because he's like, 50 years old and still looking good in those tight pants, rarrrr.

God says: Stay within the lines

The New York Roman Catholic Church has introduced a coloring book to help children of the church grasp the concept of creepy clergy men yearning to touch them.

Yes, that's right: coloring and crayons will help to counter the more than 3,000 priests lurking in the pews as they pray.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but the coloring book does feature the image of a guardian angel hovering over an altar boy as a priest creeps in the background--I'm not kidding!

"For safety's sake, a child and an adult shouldn't be alone in a closed room together," the angel counsels from above.

I guess it's a step in the right direction? Or perhaps it's just a distraction so the little boy coloring after Sunday School won't see it coming...

Stand up, comedian

Dave Chappelle has broken his own Laugh Factory endurance record, after telling jokes for six hours and 12 minutes Sunday.

His previous record was six hours and seven minutes, set in Mid-April. Apparently Dave heard Dane Cook--who held the record before Chappelle--was going to attempt to break the record.

But Dane will probably break it by stealing six hours worth of Chappelle's material and throwing in a few cadence-ly challenged jokes at the end. "I'm Dane Cook, biotch!"

Chimps beat chumps

Monkeys may not have the sense to live in the human world (or maybe they're smarter for keeping to themselves), but a new study out of Japan found chimpanzee's to have better cognitive functioning than college students.

Three 5-year-old chimps took on college students in a series of memory tests involving numbers on a touch screen.

In the first test, nine numbers appeared on the screen. When they touched the first number, the other eight turned into white squares. The test was to touch all these squares in the order of the numbers that used to be there. While the chimps were no more accurate than the college kids, they could do the task faster.

In the second test, the best performing chimp was pitted against nine students, but this time, five numbers flashed on the screen only briefly before they were replaced by white squares. The chimp and students both scored 80 percent when the numbers were shown for 7/10s of a second, but when shown for 2/10s of a second, the chimps still scored about 80 percent, while humans scored a lowly 40 percent.

Maybe those college students were just hungover? I think they should get those chimps liquored up and then see how they do.

Thrills in The Hills? I should write for this show...

Now I don't usually do a weekly update of The Hills (mostly because I usually catch a rerun over the weekend), but tonight's episode left me with a lot of interrogative thoughts:

• Why does Spencer want to marry a girl who kind of looks like his sister (Stephanie, right)? Then again, he and his sister looks creepily similar...are Heidi (left) and Specer related? Ooh--that could make a nice scripted twist for next season!

• Why are Heidi and Spencer 21-going on-35? "Don't you dare lea--if you leave, don't come back! SPENCER!" Please...You guys are young and (somewhat) attractive living in Los Angeles! You should be chugging Grey Goose and waking up with some strangers' overly priced designer clothes on!

• Did Brody get some extremely bad haircut just prior to the filming of this episode? Not only did we see him more in this episode than any other this season (now that Lauren decides to fall for him), but his backward black cap was doing nothing but making his head look ungodly square...but I guess that's fitting for his character, eh?

• And finally...now that next week's episode is the season finale, is The Hills production team praying for the end of the writers strike? I mean...how will they create such a horrendous, but terribly addicting script if the strike doesn't end? At least we have a nice rehashing of footage this Sunday during Lauren Looks Back: a 2-hour movie event.

Tortuous owner you have

This dog, ala Daily Costume, made my day.

"Agree with you the council does. Your apprentice Skywalker will be."

Update: MySpace Murder

Updating a previous item:

A Missouri prosecutor said today that no charges would be filed in the case of Megan Meier, the 13-year-old girl who hung herself last year after a MySpace user told her the world would be a better place without her.

It was an 18-year-old girl working for Megan's neighbor who started the "Josh" account.

"There is no way that anybody could know that talking to someone or saying that you're mean to your friends on the Internet would create a substantial risk. It certainly created a potential risk and, unfortunately for the Meiers, that potential became reality. But under the law we just couldn't show that." -- St. Charles County, Missouri, Prosecuting Attorney Jack Banas

Missouri's harassment statute says nothing about the Internet, and the stalking statute requires repeated conversations, so neither would apply in this case, Banas said.

Regardless, he said there is no doubt that parents should have stopped what was going on, and this does not mean that the responsible parties would not avoid punishment.

Cell me something good

Consumer Reports issued its annual survey of cell phone providers and customer satisfaction and found that Verizon and Alltell are among the best.

The magazine surveyed nearly 48,000 consumers and found that 70 percent of Verizon users were completely satisfied with their server, followed closely by T-Mobile. And despite being "the Home of the iPhone," AT&T showed less approval, though not as poor as Sprint, which came in dead last. To read more, click here.

All I know is that approval rating will never break the 90-percentile because cell phone service is horrendous--that's just the way it goes--but we would all fall into disconnect and perish without our texting and unlimited nights and weekends.

Honey, I'm cured!

A new study today showed that honey can help ease a cough.

When compared to the cough syrup ingredient dextromethorphan or no treatment, honey came out on top.

The study tested 105 children seeking treatment of nighttime cough and separated them into three groups: those who took buckwheat honey, those who took a honey-flavored dextromethorphan preparation, and those with no treatment.

Parents were surveyed on the day of the doctor's visit and on the next day, after those in the treatment groups had given their kids honey or dextromethorphan at bedtime. Among the three groups, children given honey had the greatest reduction in cough frequency and severity, and the most improved sleep, as did their parents.

So apparently that old folk remedy actually is effective.

Mother I'd like to FLY

A new ad campaign from Spirit Airlines has peaked the interest of bargain flight shoppers...and potentially hormone-crazed teenage boys.

The M.I.L.F. campaign, or "Many Islands, Low Fares" offers flights as low as $9. And whether you plan on jet setting this holiday season or not, it's quite entertaining to watch the hot, naked woman semblance in the island graphic on their Web site (but watch closely--it zooms out!)

No one's come out and said this was intentional, but how could it not?? Maybe if the acronym was accidental, but if you click the link above, it's plastered across the screen!

Maybe they're just trying to take your attention away from the fact that you'll never actually get a $9 flight on their site because that's absurd.

Update: Loss in football

Updating a previous item:

Four men have been arrested--three of which have been charged--in the murder of Washington Redkins safety Sean Taylor.

Police say they have more than one confession in the case. The suspects' attornies are claiming the men had not entered the home with the intent to kill Taylor; instead, they were expecting to find an empty home and rob the family, but Taylor was inactive in the NFL due to an injury.

All four of the men involved in Taylor's death are under the age of 21. They each face charges of felony first-degree murder, burglary with a firearm and home invasion robbery while armed.

World AIDS Day

Dec. 1 is World AIDS Day. This year's theme is leadership.

According to estimates, there are now 33.2 million people living with HIV, including 2.5 million children. During 2007 some 2.5 million people became newly infected with the virus. Around half of all people who become infected with HIV do so before they are 25 and are killed by AIDS before they are 35.

To learn more, visit the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services website.

Smoothie operator

A married man who had impregnated his on-the-side girlfriend has been charged with causing her two miscarriages by slipping her abortion drugs.

Darshana Patel told authorities she was suspicious after noticing powder on the cup of a smoothie her boyfriend, Manishkumar M. Patel (no relation), gave her. Darshana reportedly stored the smoothie in the fridge, sent the powder to a lab and discovered the substance to be mifepristone, the abortion pill also known as RU-486.

The two began a relationship in 2001 and had a son in 2004. Darshana became pregnant with Manish's child in September of last year - a child he denied was his - but she miscarried two months later. In August of this year, Darshana became pregnant again, but shortly after the shake incident, she suffered another miscarriage.

Manishkumar is charged with attempted first-degree intentional homicide of an unborn child; second-degree reckless endangerment; placing foreign objects in edibles; possession of prescription drugs; stalking; burglary; possession of burglary tools and two counts of violating a restraining order. The burglary charge stems from his allegedly entering the woman's residence while she was out.

So f'd up.

UPDATED: Patel has posted bail, set at $750,000.

Dare-angel

Legendary daredevil Evel Knievel died yesterday at the age of 69.

Amazing how the death of a man who broke almost every bone in his body at least once during his stunts was due to unrelated medical causes. He had been in failing health for years, suffering from diabetes and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, an incurable condition that scarred his lungs. He also nearly died from hepatitis C before undergoing a liver transplant in 1999.

Robert Craig Knievel attempted many motorbike stunts during the 1970s. His 1974 attempt (and failure) to jump Idaho's Snake River Canyon was one of the most notable stunts of all time, and his televised ventures accounted for four of the top 20 most-watched ABC's Wide World of Sports events of all time.

"No king or prince has lived a better life. You're looking at a guy who's really done it all. And there are things I wish I had done better, not only for me but for the ones I loved." --Knievel in an Associated Press interview in 2006.

Knievel is survived by 4 children, 10 grandchildren and a great-grandchild.

Reese's millions of pieces

Reese Witherspoon is atop The Hollywood Reporter's list of highest paid actresses of 2007, making a cool $15-20 million per movie.

Right behind her was whom I thought would be number 1: Angelina Jolie (she comes in a close second, even though she got only $8 million for her latest "Beowulf").

The list in full, if you care:

1. Reese Witherspoon
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Cameron Diaz
4. Nicole Kidman
5. Renée Zellweger
6. Sandra Bullock
7. Julia Roberts
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Jodie Foster
10. Halle Berry

This one really 'whacks' me up, haaa

Hey, did you hear the one about the mafia boss who was arrested while watching a television show about the arrest of a mafia boss??

No, that's not a bad joke--it actually happened today.

They Catalano, who was suspected of being a senior commander serving under the latest "boss of bosses" Salvatore Lo Piccolo, was arrested in Sicily. Catalano was watching the concluding chapter late Thursday of the TV mini-series "The Boss of Bosses," recounting the arrest in 1993 of real-life Cosa Nostra leader Salvatore "Toto" Riina, when police burst into his room and arrested him.

Catalano faces charges of drug trafficking and extortion.

"Pants are just two big sleeves sewn together"

WARNING: SPOILERS

Last night's Project Runway episode proved one thing: this is not the most talented batch of designers the show has ever seen, as originally boasted by Bravo.

Week three's challenge was to create a sophisticated look for retired Giants running back Tiki Barber to wear as a Today Show correspondent. The designers were given $150 and two days.

First off--why the challenging menswear task so early in the game? I'm told that this is a PR first, but for some reason, I feel like they've already done menswear. Regardless, the results are atrocious.

This week, the workroom was a woman's (and gay man's) dream. First, Jack decides to tear up his own pants to use as a pattern, and--not gonna lie--it was pretty nice to see him working in his underoos. Then, the group of hot male models enters and the designers tell them to strip down for their fittings. But poor Kevin, as a man and a straight man in the competition, he was probably the only one in the room who did not get slightly aroused.

Another special guest turned out to be Tiki's wife, Ginny, and "special" is stretching it. She was pretty much the dullest person ever to be seen on television. I loved Tiki when he was rushing for thousands of yards on the football field, but you couldn't get me to have dinner at their house for fear I'd fall asleep in the soup.

In preparing for the runway, I think Christian said it best: "There's gonna be so many things that are just jacked up," and the judges agreed. Sweet Pea's oversized tie and reckless shirt honestly made that guy look like the runway show interrupted a sexual romp backstage (left). Carmen's model looked like he was walking in hopes that the crotch of his pants wouldn't explode and give the gay designers reason to pounce. And I'm sorry, Steven's design made that hot model look like young George McFly.

Not everything was awful. The highest praise went to Kit, Jack and Kevin, who managed to fully cover their models in something that Tiki would potentially wear. Jack took home the win with his overly-striped pants/dress shirt combo, which I personally thought was loud and unattractive. Kit's design seemed the most Tiki-like, but Kevin's was my favorite.

In the end, Sweet P and Ricky were saved by Carmen's disaster of a design and lack of time (below). I mean, she sent the guy down the runway with fabric wrapped around his neck.
Three down--12 to go. Make it work!

RELATED LINKS:
Episode 1
Episode 2

Save a tree

An Indonesian fisherman named Dede is better known as the "tree man" in his village.

That's because the man, 35, has sprouted grotesque tree-like growths on his hands and feet due to what is being called a rare strain of Human Papilloma Virus [click here to read his story].

U.S. doctors took blood and tissue samples from Dede over seas, but Indonesian health minister Siti Fadilah Supari is claiming that whatever result comes out of the American studies will be far too expensive.

But U.S. doctors are countering with “We did it for humanitarian reasons, to help the patient.” They're really root-ing for him, right? (bad joke alert)

American Idle

Judging from the latest record sales, what little credibility American Idol gained as a "talent" competition six years ago is fading away almost as fast as Ruben Studdard's career.

...unfortunately, it's America's collective ADD that caused season six winner Jordin Sparks' self-titled debut album to turn out the lowest first week sales of any Idol winner.

The barely-18-year-old singer was arguably one of the best singers the competition has ever seen, and extremely likeable, but unless you're Sanjaya, this season's winner was destined to fall short of impressive on the record-sale front. Nobody takes that show seriously, and more and more, viewers are tuning in for a cheap laugh at shameless and oblivious tone deaf singers' expense, and moving on to a different reality show that probably whores itself out slightly less than Idol.

Comparatively, season-one winner Kelly Clarkson's 2003 debut, Thankful, opened at #1 with 297,400 scans, while Spark's debut coughed up merely 64,000 scans.

I'm thinking the mockery Sanjaya and his devoted fans made of the show this season, coupled with poor record sales? Maybe we're looking at the last season of AI starting in January--who's excited?